AIBU to feel sad about never having had a best friend?

[Sadmum71]

I have never had what I could call a best friend. The sort that has your back above all others, that thinks of you first and shares all your secrets or whatever it is best friends do. And it makes me sad. I have plenty of lovely friends but often there seems to be a cut-off where their best friend is the priority and it makes you feel second best or not invited. It's been going on for so long in my head that I think I am hypersensitive to it.

I have a good friend but her best friend is getting possessive and snarky about us hanging out. So now I feel I have to back off...

How old are you OP?
You can find best friends later in life.

Your friends 'best friend' sounds petty though!

I'm old enough to think that it's not my thing! Nearly 60!

I dont have that either op. Am learning in my 50s people more flaky now. Life busier too. Have few friends in my circle

If you have a good support network of genuine friends then I really don't think it matters if there isn't one that sits above all. It can even cause problems when someone else wants to be the very top one. Anyway, my best friend is my husband and there was someone the other day sneering at the idea of spouses being best friends and how stupid it was and how much they'd laugh when we inevitably get cheated on, so I guess you can't please everyone!

I think a ‘best friend’ usually comes with decades of deep connection and shared experiences.

yes you are, because its completely over rated! Especially the mawkish freinds for life, closer than sisters, ride or die type cliche of a best friend. Its really for kindergrtners and even they swop their 'besties' out every other week. In my experience you get different things from different friends, and true companionship, support and happiness lie in having a range of mates who all contribute in different ways.

Of course you’re not unreasonable- because that’s how you feel. Some people need that and some don’t. I had a BF throughout my childhood and early teens.. we’re still friends but she’s moved on and I’ve never managed to replace her, whereas she has me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but I still treasure our friendship.

The problem with having a bestie is that if you break up it can be worse than bereavement. When someone dies there is an inevitability about death. You have to face the fact that you will never again see or speak to them again in this life. Harsh as that is, you move on because death cannot be appealed. But when you lose a friend its unfinished business. You know that they are still there - walking the wide and loveless world. But content to do so without you. And you are left feeling forever bereft and less than.

This happened to me in my 40s. I lost a female friend with whom I had been close for 15 years. I still don't know what I did. A few years later I met another close friend and we have been besties for going on 30 years now. My friend is a gay man and I am a straight woman. Obviously he has other friends (both gay and straight) with whom he has a very different relationship. But I know I could ring him at 3 am for a talk or ask him to help me move a body ....

Genuinely I don’t think there are that many friends who will always put you first and have your back. It’s a bit of a myth. Friendships grow and change all the time and that’s ok. I have plenty of good friends for different situations, and some I absolutely could rely on to be there when I need them, but I don’t need a ‘best friend’. It’s a bit high school to me.

I had a best friend but after nearly 40 years and Covid she turned into a nightmare so we no longer speak. I value all my friendships and I think as you get older people get fickle

I know people roll their eyes at this and I used to do the same but genuinely the one person who I can call a best friend as in having my back over anything is my DH

Friendship is one of the most valuable things to share with a partner.

I've never had one either op. I was unpopular throughout most of my school years and now strongly suspect im ND, especially as it runs in the family. I'm an introvert and had childhood trauma and I never had the capacity to be someone's best friend. I'm not sure i do now either and I feel a bit sad about it.

Well I am a bit neurospicey but I'm not sure if that's something to do with it. I like people and find it quite easy to make friends and I have a couple of friends who I could turn to in a disaster. I just feel a bit of a failure that no one wants me as a bestie I suppose.

They want you as a friend; why worry about a hierarchy?