How do I rebuild my life after years of caring and loss?

[TheDancingHorses]

Help/advice needed on how to rebuild my life as I am currently exhausted, overweight and do nothing except work and look after my children and grandchild. Don't get me wrong, I love my DC and DGD more than anything but I long to do something for myself and I don't know where to start!

I've always been fairly introverted but the last few years have worn me down and I feel like a shell of who I used to be. The main reasons for this are:

1. In the last 18 months both my DM and my only Dsis have passed away after long illnesses. They both lived over 2 hours away and I spent nearly every other weekend visiting them and doing what I could to care for them for nearly 8 years. DM had dementia which came on very suddenly (due to medication she was taking) and Dsis had cancer. Watching them both go from lively, incredible people to being incredibly ill and frail has been so hard, and I am really struggling to deal with living without them both. I have carried on and put a strong face on for the sake of my DCs and my Dsis DC's but it's exhausting.
2. My relationship with DH has all but broken down. This has been a long time coming as we have history of him putting his family before me and not having my back when they have treated me badly. He has also been unsupportive while I dealt with my mum and sister's illnesses (for example, my mum was in a care home and I got a call one afternoon to say she wasn't doing very well. I got there to find she was bedbound and distressed and was told by the nurse that she probably had less than a week left to live. I called DH to tell him around 9pm that evening as I was going to stay with my DM rather than go home. The next day, i heard nothing from DH - not even a text to see how I was. In the end, I called him mid-afternoon to update him after a harrowing morning of sorting out end of life care for my mum). There are other examples but hopefully that gives an idea. I tried to speak with him at the weekend to see if he would consider going to couples counselling but he told me he didn't want to spend money on it. All in all, I'm left feeling pretty crap and worthless. Financially, I'm not sure I could manage on my own and, tbh, at 53 the thought of starting out again is pretty scary.
3. DD1 has a baby last year. Baby's dad kicked her out a week before DGD was born so they moved in with us. They moved into their own place but I spent a lot of time and sleepless nights helping with DGD which has been physically and emotionally draining.
4. We tried to sell our house a couple of years ago to move nearer to DM and Dsis but it came to light that there were issues with council consents that we had not been made aware of. These need to be sorted before we can sell and, so far, we've spent tens of thousands - and a lot of stress trying to get things sorted.

All in all, I'm utterly exhausted and have very little left to try and have a life of my own. I also work full time and have a 13 year old DD that I try and keep upbeat for (but that in itself exhausting somedays!). I don't have any friends irl as I don't have the energy to pretend to be fun and interesting and haven't for a long time.

I know I need to do something to get out of my current state but have no idea where to start!

Thanks to anyone who has read this far, and to anyone who has any suggestions.

Right. That's a lot.

1. Grief is hard and there's no right or wrong way to do it. Counseling might help, reading might help. I found listening to Griefcast very helpful - a spark notes for grief done by comedians.
2. That sounds really hurtful, but if he's not willing to work at it, then it's dead in the water. He's told you he doesn't value you or the marriage.
3. Your poor DD. Well done for helping, presumably that situation has taken care of itself now?
4. How close are you to resolving this? Tbh it sounds like a good time to split with dh if you are already looking to sell.

What makes you happy? What did you like doing when you were younger?

it sounds like you have had a very tough time of it but you were there for your mum and sister and daughter, you need to focus on yourself now. But there’s no easy fixes, it’ll take time.

is there something you enjoy doing as a family that wouldn’t mean lots of arranging etc by you? Is there an easy exercise that you would enjoy doing with either your daughter or your husband. Could you go out on walks together, or go swimming?

Long walks are great for your mental health and for having a good chat and getting things off your chest, and (if needed) they can be a comfort to turn to rather than other unhealthy options

Would you enjoy a cinema subscription eg Odeon is not too much a month and would get you out of the house and having time to yourself, can sometimes combine it with a walk in a new area. And it’s sometimes fun to watch films that you wouldn’t normally go for . Lots of women go on their own.

Do you have neighbours that you might go for a walk with or nip round for coffee

I think it’s worth giving yourself more time and trying some gentle solutions before making big decisions

But mostly I just want to acknowledge how difficult it has been for you and send you lots of best wishes, you’ve been there for others for many years and you deserve some nice time for yourself

I have been here myself and it's very difficult being in between work, caring for children and parents/relatives. Inevitably you put yourself last.My advice would be first of all not to take any big decisions whilst you are still grieving and feeling so low. Start with making youself feel better.

I got some weights and started lifting a few times a week, not a magic cure but it did start to make me feel better about myself and I feel a lot stronger. Long walks also help to decompress. I also agree with try and get away, you could have a few days with your 13 year old dd, doesn't have to cost a lot. Just small ideas that have helped me, I hope you find a way. Not easy but small steps are often a good start.

That's a LOT and I'm sending a huge hug. I absolutely agree with the suggestion of making gentle changes rather than trying to make big decisions, and also agree with the power of outdoors, and being around other people for improving your mood.

Having said that, just a small other thing that has helped me both to keep track of things and to think through decisions as a single mother who often needs to face quite big issues on my own: I have long threads on chatgpt which I use as a sounding board to talk through the issues and options. Now, of course you have to be very careful about taking life advice from AI, as it can be sycophantic and try to please you, and doesn't always come up with the best suggestions. But on the other hand, I find that often in the process of chatting, things can become clearer to me, which helps me to make better decisions, and the advantage of AI is that is has infinite patience to talk through the same things. You can use prompts like "be brutally honest", and "act as a trained therapist with specialism in helping people through grief", and be very specific about what your goals are - this can help you to get better answers. Rather than pushing me into decisions, mine is perpetually trying to persuade me not to make any impulse buys for my home renovation, and to go for simple solutions rather than dramatic ones.

My father and dh died within a month of each other and I had an early teenage child at the time. Different circumstances as both were sudden deaths. It's incredibly hard to pick yourself up but I found doing one thing for myself each week really helped my mental health. I use to go swimming on a Sunday morning whilst DD lied in her pit. I didn't have to talk to anyone and I got some exercise.

Don't pressure yourself into joining clubs or hobby groups etc if that is not your jazz- just start small. An hour a week doing whatever you fancy. Even just reading or going to the cinema or gym.