AIBU to worry about my ex suddenly wanting more custody?

[Stressymadre]

So ex and I have been separated for 6.5 years. For the first few weeks, maybe 2/3 months ish we supposedly had 50/50 custody but he just had them 50% nights, I did all school runs and all homeschooling during covid (despite me working and him being furloughed!), he just had them for dinner and overnight. It didn't last long as he has anger issues and the kids were very unsettled so we moved to one night a week and EOW. It has been a very unsettled time for the kids at his house since then, stuff I won't go into too much. He met a new GF, moved her in after the kids met her once (they had been dating 6 weeks) and within 3 months she was pregnant. At that point he stopped paying me CM and the mortgage and I had to give up the family home and he moved in with his new pregnant GF. Fast forward a few years and kids are 11 and 15 and same routine of custody in place. Both children over the years have asked for an additional night there (twice for my youngest and once for my eldest) and every time he has said no. In fact 2 years ago he asked to reduce contact as his GF couldn't cope with them being there. I said I would always have them more but I was not having any more of his BS and he had to tell his kids it came from him (I have been protecting him for sake of kids for years and had enough). So he stuck to usual agreement but on one evening they were there him and his GF would go upstairs after dinner for "quality time" and kids had to look after themselves. The past 2 years my eldest has been very unhappy there and youngest has started making comments too. I have finally got myself back on my feet and now live nearer and since then the kids make excuses to be here on his weekends and at one point eldest refused to go for about a month. BUT their dad is scary and manipulative and they do not tell him the real feelings/issues and he gave in as he wanted to make him happy.
Ex and GF have now split up and he has 50/50 of their toddler and he has told the kids (not me!) that he wants them to match the same custody arrangement (which is on/off a lot so one day with mum, 2 days dad, 2 days mum etc). My youngest is made to look after her sibling all the time and comes home exhausted. Eldest has GCSEs next year and can't study there at all as he gets no space and it is loud and dad is NOT AT ALL helpful or supportive.
AIBU to be genuinely concerned for them? If he were a good dad and did actually want them more I would of course facilitate it (I would hate it to be honest but I would support it), but I worry around his motives, the stability there and their general well-being.

Its a No from me.
I'd contsct him directly and say if he wants altered child care arrangements you'll see him in court

Your 15 is about to gsces i wouldn't indulge any of this dickheads tomfoolery.

I also wouldnt facilitate or encourage them to go for contact if they dont want it. Eg I wouldnt ve saying " hes your dad! He loves you!!!!" Etc

YANBU, let’s see if he follows through when he has to do all the paperwork and effort by himself
througj the courts to do that.

I have no idea how all this works, but it’s very concerning the young one is doing all the parenting, and the eldest cannot be out of routine with exams coming. Hopefully someone who knows how all this works will advise you better

I call bullshit. He just wants childcare. Your children are old enough to have a say and the pattern us well established. Say no as jts not in best interest of the children and let him attempt to take you to court

And dont hide anything from your dc. Yes, age appropriate, but please dont say things like, '
"He loves toy and wants more time with you" when you know thats not true.

What a fucking Prince and at least two woman have been taken in enough to have children with this man. He wants childcare- no chance mate.

At 11 and 15 they can't be forced to spend time with a parent. I would stick firm to the current arrangements, you've got very little to be concerned about. If he had the wherewithal to take the matter to family court, your children's voices would pretty much be influential.

Thanks everyone.I know at their ages they can't be made to go but they struggle to stand up to their dad. Eldest is scared of him, youngest is desperate to keep him happy and he plays on "things making him sad" to manipulate them unfortunately.

You need to be the adult here and stand up for your kids. You sound like a great mum who has put them first throughout but if they can’t stand up to their dad now you need to do it for them. Tell him your 11yo is not to be left looking after her half sibling and you have told her to contact you if she is and you will come pick her up. Tell him your 15 yo needs to have minimal stress coming up to an exam year and if he wants more time with either of them he needs to take you to Court (at which point nobody will get the 15 yo to spend time he doesn't want to and your 11yo is probably on the cusp but you can easily counter that by pointing out what the arrangement has been since the split). Not an easy conversation but you can do it for your kids.

Stand up to him on their behalf and tell him to take you to court.

Support them to say no espec eldest.
Use a family mediator if needs be

Eldest needs to grey rock him
"I have school work I cannot come.i can meet on saturday fron 3 to 6 pm"

You need to dig deep and find the strength to stand up for them, support them in saying no

You can't expect them to stand up to his demands, emotional blackmail but you could, for them

Talk it through with your kids and tell him the kids don't want to, you won't force them, he can ask a court to if he wants to

So you need to be "the bad guy" amd stand up to him to protect them.
You cant just sit back and 'let them work it out between themselves'

I'd reject the change, tell the kids to blame me and say I'll see you in court...between him sorting out the application and court backlogs it'll be a while.

How do you currently communicate via text or phone? I think a stern telephone or face to face conversation is in order rather than text that can be manipulated against you. I’d probably be inclined to speak to the other GF too as there’s more than one side to this story. I’d also tell him to tie a knot in it for everyone’s sakes as people like this don’t change they just recreate and expect everyone to toe the line when it goes wrong. What a prat.

So ex wants 50/50 custody of toddler to avoid maintenance but will get the older DC to do as much of the caregiving as possible by having matching 50/50 custody which has never been the case and definitely not in their best interests. You’re going to have to fight on their behalf.

If they struggle to stand up to their dad, it’s up to you to do it on their behalf. He sounds like a lazy arse who wants childcare.

The problem is in the past I have told him and passed on their feelings/words and he says they need to grow up and speak to him directly. I guess he thinks maybe I am making it up. It doesn't help that then they don't say anything or they change what they said to not upset or anger him. It's not easy to manage.

sounds very tough. Could you say no, they're settled, so he can go to court if he wants to change arrangements. The courts will listen to your children so it's not just him vs them and it'll buy time.

Right so you dont put it on the kids as you have done previously...

Instead you shoulder it on behalf of your kids.

All the kids need to say to him is “mum says we can’t”
Then you go to court.

It shouldn't be phrased as coming from the kids at all as that puts them right in the middle. You need to be firm and say no from you because its not in their best interests

You need to shrug that off, remember he isn't in charge

Channel your best "who cares what you think?" thoughts and tell him no

Remind him he can go back to court if he wants to force the issue