Alone time by yourself when you’re a stepmum ?

[Biscoffie]

Boyfriend is becoming increasingly annoyed/upset that I don’t spend every waking minute with his kids!

We’ve been together 2 years. He has 2 twin boys aged 4 (5 in September). They are with us every other week for the whole week. I love them, I have zero issues with this schedule and I make sure I’m available for fun weekends with them, and I play with them when I can.

But I am exhausted a lot of the time (no medical reason as to why). I’ve rejoined the gym recently and there’s been some raised eyebrows from boyfriend if I say I’m off to the gym. He doesn’t really say much about me going to see friends but I know he doesn’t like it if the boys are here.

Sometimes I just want to go to my room and read a book or scroll on my phone when they’re here, even just for an hour or so. Boyfriend doesn’t like this and either follows me (with the boys) or will say that I should be sitting with them. When they’re here they play together in the living room and I feel like it’s chaos (which is understandable with kids!) and I’d just like some time to do “adult” things on my own. But it seems like it’s making my boyfriend annoyed.

It’s not that he wants me to “take over” care or entertain them, he just wants me there all the time. I’m boiling today and struggling with the heat, I said I’m going to sit in the bedroom (where we have aircon), and he started saying “well what about us? The boys don’t understand why you’re not sitting with us, they’ll think you’re poorly” etc etc.

I feel stifled, and feel like I’m always doing something wrong. I understand he has kids and accepted this from day one. But I didn’t expect it to be so all consuming.

Boyfriend has said it’s made him think I won’t like being a mum (if we have kids) because this is what parenthood is.

he calls me their stepmum which I know isn’t generally accepted on here as we’re not married yet, but I do fulfil that role if that makes sense (bar the time I’d like to spend alone!!!)

Aibu?

OP, you are very much allowed to have time to yourself even if they are your kids! This is not the right expectation. They are his kids. You might take part in some stuff and not others, plus I think he should have some time just with them anyway so they get their dad to themselves.

I have 2DSC and we have one together. I was pretty involved with DSC but their dad always did bath and bedtime and took them to activities. I would sometimes be at home with one while he did something with the other and I babysat sometimes but not often, as if DH wasn't there they would be with their mum who wanted to see them. We did holidays and days out together but my presence was never assumed and if I had plans, off I went. Having a baby of my own wasn't massively different in that if I had somewhere else to be, DH would look after her if he was free.

It was actually a great opportunity to see what kind of parent/co-parent he was. You might also be seeing this and drawing a different conclusion to me.

Big red flag I'm afraid OP, it's controlling apart from anything else, you should be able to sit in another room in your own home if you want to! Not good that he guilts you over things that would most likely never occur to the DC either, like you being poorly if you sit in the bedroom. That comes from him, not them, he is not understanding that being a step parent is not the same as being a parent and you are not responsible for them in the same way he is.

Even if he's not dumping their care on you he's still expecting you to be fully present the way he has to be as their dad and that's not right, for them or you. Really hard boundaries from you about what you are and aren't prepared to do are the only way forward here, and I would be considering leaving the relationship if he can't/won't accept those boundaries.

This is properly giving ‘nanny with a fanny’ vibes. He wants you with him constantly because he doesn’t want to do this alone. Of course you are allowed a life. Get to the gym, see friends. If this doesn’t go down well then he is showing his true colours. Being in a relationship as a step mum doesn’t actually mean you need to be chained to them. That’s completely ridiculous

Let me get this straight: he has a week completely child free, then expects to share childcare 50/50 (and gets stroppy if it’s not) on the week he does have them? I think it might be your boyfriend who’s going to struggle if more children were added to the mix 🤔

I would point out to him that even if you had your own kids you would still need ‘alone’ time to recharge as would he.

But the fact remains they are his kids not yours and sounds like he wants free childcare

i would be seriously rethinking the relationship

Red flags all round

You have a real issue here and your DP is being emotionally manipulative. It doesn't sound like you can discuss it with him.

Just out of interest what happens in the weeks you don't have the children. Would going to the gym be an issue then?

You have only been with him 2 years and he is behaving as though you are another 'parent'. Fair enough if you are happy to spend time with them, days out etc but do really want to be tied to someone elses kids after only 2 years? How old are you? He sounds like a man who leave you with the bulk of childcare if you have kids woth him.

Nope. I would end this relationship. He is taking the piss and trying to control you being manipulative.

Not your kids, not your problem. Don’t waste any more of your time and energy on this one.

You need to nip this firmly in the bud OP.

The majority of parents go to the gym or read a book in their bedroom some of the time their kids are around. I am alone in my bedroom right now. I get that if he has his kids 50% of the time, he schedules most of his other activities around this, but he is BU to expect you there the whole time. The boys will not be concerned you went to the bedroom for a bit unless he makes a fuss about it.

He has expectations that you spend all your awake time with his kids when they're there.

Come on. You know that's wildly unreasonable.

He's manipulative and insulting saying it makes him think you won't like being a mom. The obvious answer is you're not his kids' mom and you're not going to pretend you are. He has no clue what you'll be like with your own kids. He's negging you to try to make you insecure and prove to him what a great mom you'll be by being the mom when his kids are there.

He's trying to get you to stop your normal routine and you taking care of your health. Going to the gym is a part of your health maintenance and him giving you looks is him trying to discourage that. He wants to isolate you from your friends of there's men present.

He won't let you have alone time without making a thing about it.

I think he sounds controlling and pushy and emotionally abusive.

I'd be gone. You are only 2 years in and not married and he's pushing you this hard to fit his idea of stepmom to your detriment.

What everyone else says. Even if they were your own joint kids they wouldn’t expect you to be in the same room as them al the time, or playing with them all the time, and you would absolutely carve out time for the gym and friends and so on. You need to explain that to him. But like everyone else, sounds to me like he’s one of those men who doesn’t like the responsibility of caring for his own kids by himself. Which is pathetic.

Ask yourself if you really want to be attracted to someone so emotionally unintelligent. If you were their biological parent, it would of course be absolutely fine and HEALTHY for you to get regular downtime and time away from them. Plus, kids need to learn parents aren't there to be with them and putting their needs first 24/7. And finally, its really important in a blended family that kids get their parent to themselves sometimes! T
These are three really obvious things id expect anyone to know, so your boyfriend is just showing that he doesnt know much about parenting, OR he thinks his wants should trump whats right for his kids AND you.

Please don’t have a child with this man. I have two kids with my husband and am currently faffing around on social media in the sunshine while he takes them on a hike. Totally normal to split up and tag team and create time for yourself, even when it’s your actual child. Sending two children to find you with some sort of guilt trip when you have a few hours to yourself is ridiculous. Even more so when it’s not even your child.

This is one of many reasons why I would NEVER date a man with children!!

Red flags indeed. He wants you to be a family. He doesn't want to coparent, because, hey, it's hard work and tiring. He thinks that you should be involved with parenting time, even if he makes the decisions.

Cue to: he is a lazy parent. Yes 4 years old twins must be hard work, but why should your role be to make it easier for him? You can at times, because it's fair that he good 'cuddles, kind words, fun moments should be balanced with some efforts, but what is absolutely not right is that he should be resenting you for being what you are...an adult who is not yet a parent.

So yes, you should get the privilege of spending time alone even when his children are there, and he doesn't get that privilege. That's the choice that he made.

Boyfriend has said it’s made him think I won’t like being a mum (if we have kids) because this is what parenthood is.

Is it?

Parenthood is palming your children off on someone you've been dating for 24 months?

If that's the case, tell him you'll find parenthood very very easy.

Or at least his version of it.

So this is his expectation of children you are not parentally responsible for. I wonder what he would expect if you have kids together?
it’s reasonable as a parent to get some down time and to go and chill while the other holds th e fort (assuming it’s reciprocal)
but in this case they are not your kids and he has every other week to himself. Whilst I could see it being irritating if you bothplan a family day out and you bail but going to the gym or getting some down time of course you should.
id look at the relationship and consider you want kids with man? If yes does he pull his weight with his kids - dr appointments/ taking time off for illness/ clothes. Does he plan stuff for his kids,take the time to entertain them, discipline/ boundaries. Are your parenting styles aligned. Also does he pull his weight in the home? Is he a good partner to you? Kind / considerate?
it could be that he’s clumsily trying to create a family / security for his kids and worries when you have a break that your not all in . In which case you need to have a conversation about your involvement and what that’s going to look like long term. Because it’s unreasonable to expect you to parent equally to him.
or it could be he’s abit selfish and expects you to share his load.

Time to say goodbye to this bellend.

Wow he sounds very stifling! I’m up in our air con bedroom right now while husband has our kid. On his own. It is possible. Red flag waving from here too I’m afraid.

This is at least the third thread i've read recently where a boyfriend thinks his girlfriend should be doing as much if not more with his kids than he does himself. Do they all read the same book??

I would slow this right down OP - well actually i would get out of the relationship immediately and find someone who isn't looking for a left luggage room for his baggage. you don't need what he is offering - which is an unpaid job as a nanny/companion. What did he do before he met you? Took the kids to his mother I bet?

You are the unpaid childcare.
His kids. His responsibility.
What do you think a future with him looks like?
Throw this one back and move on.

Honestly he needs to back off. You are perfectly entitled to not be with the kids 24/7.if they were only with you a couple days maybe yeah try and spend as much time as possible but expecting you to do absolutely nothing alone for 50 percent of the time is ridiculous. I have my own kids and still take myself off to the shops or go and spend time in my room etc sometimes! It's healthy! And doesn't really set the best example to kids if you rebomve your entire life around them every day and never do anything for yourself. He sounds scared of just being with his kids and it's very unattractive. This isn't even about being a step mum. Do you really want kids with a man who will never want u to pop out or have a read in your room without them tagging along?? I'd be thinking very carefully before having a child with him.

He sounds dead unreasonable. This is presumably the reason why he was available to date when he had 2 toddler children. Did his ex throw him out because she couldn’t get any space, I wonder?