AIBU for being upset with husband's impulse buys?

[Pinkponyclubpub]

I am feeling upset by another one of my husband's impulse buys.

Earlier today there was a knock on the door and a parcel was delivered. I knew it wasn't a Vinted parcel but it was soft. My husband looked happy and passed it to me and said it was an early birthday gift. I saw a return address on there and realised he bought a new football shirt for the team I support without telling me. What annoyed me was I said I was happy to wait to get it for myself and I prefer to buy myself so the size is right. I don't think it will fit and I said he should have looked in my wardrobe for hints if he was thinking. This is not the first time it has happened and he knows I don't feel comfortable.

He can be impulsive with other purchases which we really don't need and when we do need to buy something big for house - lately I have footed the bill such as putting down a deposit for our kitchen to be renovated and by paying for most of the costs to get a new boiler fitted.

He is paying me back slowly but he has credit card debt and a loan for house stuff which i help pay for as well. I rather go without things or find ways to get things cheap/ affordable to save money. He does call me tight at times but I am trying to be sensible as there are important things to pay for. He has had issues with debt before which he had hidden at times and I have helped then to get him out of trouble. I gave him an ultimatum years ago and said if he ever lied about debt again and not be open about it - I'm done.

He is upset that I have rejected his gift and said I was ungrateful. I have told him on many occasions that I don't need gifts and I would rather not put him in any financial difficulties because he has bought gifts that I can live without. That money could have cleared some debts or be put in the savings for the house. He doesn't see it like that and said he just wanted to have a pick me up and do something good. I feel like crap over it and being crying. We are barely talking.

His impulse buys taking him into debt are a problem

But he brought you a specific gift you wanted and as an early birthday present. You accept it gracefully and remind him nearer your birthday that he's already brought your gift and you don't need anything else

And you should try it on before critiquing the size...

Several issues here. Firstly "he's paying me back" so from that i guess you have separate finances. Wouldn't it be better given that he's bad with money to pool everything. Pay for everything then each one of you gets a set allowance and thats all you get. I get that one of you might earn more, but as a team everything should be fair.

Secondly, the shirt is a nice gift. Surely je knows your size and if its wrong, unless he's had a name put on, you can change it. Make sure he doesn't get you anything else.

Thirdly you need to tell him he can still buy shit, but it comes out of his allowance and thats it. Personally I'd set up a separate bank account for your allowances and that will keep it well away from the joint account. Its what I've done. Completely separate account which we use for meals out, drinks, coffee, treat purchases (like 2 e bikes). It works well i transfer a set amount in thats all I have

He could have put that money towards paying his credit card off, which IMO would have shown that he’s grateful for your help, and is making a real effort to tackle it. Instead he’s still spending frivolously.

If he’s still using the credit card, you’re going to end up bailing him out, effectively paying for the shirt yourself anyway, in which case you would have bought the size you prefer.

YANBU if you’ve made it clear to him that you’d rather go without gifts and have him take some responsibility for his finances.

He’s getting his dopamine boost from making the purchase, justifying it as a gift for you. He needs to investigate the emotional reasons for his spending. He said he wanted a “pick me up” which is quite telling - he sees making a purchase as a treat, even if it’s not for him.

YANBU note 'he' wanted to have a pick me up. He will temporarlly forget his money troubles when he is purchasing for you or himself. In that moment he is someone who can manage money and spend freely.. you are right, he cant and he shouldnt....Why dont you return the gift and use the refund to pay off a debt!?

I would be mindful of his shopping habit and watch out for his debt. If he owes you money and has other debts, he shouldn't be buying you gifts like that when it's not even your bday yet. Hopefully you can try to dig a little and see if he's funding his spend through credit as that is not ideal given the trouble you said he found himself in the past..not sure what the driver of that was but if it's shopping habits, then this is a bit of a red flag, particularly if it's upsetting you this much and causing tension IE. You are not talking!

And weird you are paying for kitchens and he's paying for other things. A bit of joint up finance management might help you both ensure you're managing finances properly.

Best of luck!