AIBU to feel hurt DH went out while I'm ill?

[ThatGreenSheep]

DH has gone out for a pre planned meal with colleagues tonight. The restaurant is a 45-minute drive away, and he headed straight out after giving our five month old baby a five minute cuddle when he finished working from home today.

I'm currently ill with cold/flu like symptoms and looking after the baby full time when DH is working. Last night I had a high fever and could barely function. Felt better today, but by no means well. Baby is exclusively breastfed, so glued to me in this heat. Baby also takes around 2-3 hours to settle at night at the moment, a constant cycle of feeding, rocking, and cuddles.

I've done every night wake since baby was born with very little input from DH (due to breastfeeding - it isn't that he is unwilling), so I'm consistently sleep deprived which is probably why I'm so frustrated, but AIBU to be hurt that he still went out? I'm sure I wouldn't have done so if roles were reversed. I want to address this with him, but I know he's really tired and stressed, too, and I don't want to be controlling.

Thank you for your kind words. You've summed up exactly how I'm feeling. DH is usually very thoughtful, and I didn't tell him that I didn't want him to go.

Start pumping, get the baby on a bottle.
yanbi. He is very selfish putting his needs first and treating the baby like a puppy he has to occasionally play with and snuggle.
He should have stayed home, tidied up and prepared dinner.

Thank you! My breasts feel fine so I think it is most likely a bug

Incredible to me that 3 posts say "get the baby on a bottle" at 5 months when breastfeeding is so much better than bottle feeding for mother and child.

Husband is a prick, a fever of 39 is no joke, and heavy misogyny in play with various posters saying "it's just a cold" - a cold doesn't give you a fever of 39 - womens illnesses are so often downplayed bad their right to be cared for dismissed. Grim.

Not in a million years would my father have done this to my mother when we were kids/babies. He wouldn't do it now they are both in their 70s he'd stay and make sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed to recover as quickly as possible.

Not unreasonable tonight with being poorly to expect a little TLC (as it was a casual meal) and deffo not unreasonable given you've been doing most of the care since the birth. I think the latter annoys me more.

Please get him into the swing of carrying the load more when he's home otherwise you're going to be full of resentment as well as utterly shattered. That is a horrible combo that causes relationship damage.

All of these people saying to get the baby on a bottle infuriate me. It's not that easy. The baby refuses a bottle: formula or expressed milk.
Breastfeeding is so tough, once they have the breast a lot of babies won't settle for anything less. Yes, it's supposed to be better for mum and baby and I would do it again but secretly I think sometimes if my life would have been way easier formula bottle feeding from the start. I think I'd be annoyed with partner too!! Get well soon.

If it had been purely social it would be a clear case of he should know to cancel. For something work related, it’s less clear.

one thing I learned from having a high needs baby was to state my needs explicitly. Don’t hope he stays home. Tell him you are sick and need as much rest as he can give you around what you must do for baby and his work schedule. If you are sick enough, tell him you need a sick day which means he needs to take a sick day.

after this passes and you are just dealing with a baby who doesn’t sleep well, if what you need is for him to make you a cup of tea or to pick up a treat, then tell him that too. You can’t tag him in for everything, but you can ask for things to make your life easier even if they are just mental relief.

Also another small detail for the "get the baby on a bottle" brigade, even if we forget the fact that this mum has been exclusively breastfeeding for 5 months already, has got through the most difficult part of breastfeeding which is the "establishing and getting through the initial painful weeks" part, and as mentioned the significant benefits for the baby and the mother over formula, it would not even necessarily be easy to downgrade to a bottle.

Firstly the mother can't do this overnight, she will end up with mastitis.
Secondly the baby will fight against the bottle, as it brings no comfort, no closeness, tastes different etc etc. Also brings no antibodies so the baby will get sick more often.
Thirdly the baby's stomach will be used to breast milk and so will be likely to end up with colic and gastro pain once they accept formula.

So as well as the obvious downsides of a woman who is capable of breastfeeding and has exclusively done so for 5 months - If a woman is struggling to breastfeed is a different matter, obviously if it is causing difficulties for the mum, or the baby can't latch, or baby isn't gaining weight etc then in those circumstances formula is indicated - but it's not indicated because a man can't figure out how to support his breastfeeding partner appropriately.

As I mentioned earlier, the misogyny in this thread is wild. From trying to dismiss the OPs illness "just a cold" when she has a raging fever, to the other but the dinner is to do with His Job (so what - any decent employer would have respect for a man who had to decline a work social event to care for his wife and child as they would see it as him having emotional intelligence), to suggestions that she is somehow silly for breastfeeding for 5 months and should "get the baby on a bottle" despite that being contrary to all medical advice - once again finding a way to have a go at the mother when it is the father who is at fault here.

The mental gymnastics it takes to go from "man lacks empathetic response and selfishly leaves his very ill wife caring for an infant so he can go out for dinner" (poor choice on behalf of male) to "WHY HAVEN'T YOU(mum) GOT THAT BABY ON A BOTTLE" (way to have a go at female whilst ignoring key issue) is staggering and requires a potent combo of medical ignorance, social unawareness and internalised misogyny to come to fruition.

I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable. You’re breastfeeding, so would he have been able to do much anyway? Rock the baby to sleep I suppose.
If you’d asked him not to go but then he still did, that would be shitty but you didn’t communicate that to him. It would have been nice if he’d offered to stay but you said yourself that he’s also stressed.
I can see both sides.
Hope you’re feeling better soon and he takes the baby for a bit so that you can rest or chill or go shopping etc.

My partner is similarly selfish, so I know how it feels. He thinks nothing about going out all day with work friends leaving me home with our twins. Doesn’t matter if I’m sick, stressed or upset he still goes. Honestly you need to tell him how it’s made you feel because if not resentment will creep in and trust me it’s so hard to come back from.

I don't your being unreasonable to FEEL this way it's shit but then again I dont think he'd of been much use anyway esp as your breastfeeding. I do get that it stings that he hasn't even considered your feelings or asked x

My baby is exclusively breast fed and my husband does his fair share of nights.

He can get him out the cot, change a nappy, settle him to sleep after a feed.

Theres no excuse for your husband not to be helping during the nights.

Dont be a martyr and try and do everything yourself because then he’ll think you don’t even want his help and that’s how you end up in situations like this.

It’s not controlling to ask your DH not to go out for a colleague meal whilst you are poorly with a tiny baby. For you to continue feeling strong and well enough to exclusively feed your baby, you need rest and support.

It sounds like he is generally very supportive so remember to ask for the things you might need

I EBF, baby would not take a bottle and a temperature of 39 is high. YANBU.

Can’t believe some people said YABU

He should have stayed at home and care for you. Ebf is no joke - especially in hot weather and even more so well ill. Two things that will dehydrate you even more.

Would he enjoy that, do you think?

He needs to be keeping an extra eye on you to make sure you are fed and most importantly hydrated- could be really dangerous not to in this combination of circumstances. And he should think of it himself!

He should be looking after the baby every minute when he isn’t working - or even taking a bit of time off - and the baby isn’t physically feeding, so that you can get the maximum amount of rest possible.

I always think the partners of breast feeding Mums should take a lead from Samwise Gamgee’s book - “I can’t carry it for you (or breast feed for you), but I can carry you” - or take care of you!

Why are people saying the partners do and Mums can’t do anything - they can do plenty!

My baby never took a bottle (he did for a few early weeks but not at all after six weeks) but that doesn’t mean I had to do everything. Do would take es after a feed and put him down, he would rock and pat and change him. I did far more but he supported me. Exclusive breast feeding does not mean being the exclusive parent!!

at the very least, he should have finished work earlier and looked after the baby plus make sure you had lots of food ready to eat, drinks and the opportunity to have a shower

There are some strange replies on here.

No, YANBU, he could have helped settle the baby while you rested and given you emotional support.

goodness, he should’ve hired a babysitter to give you a break at the very least

I think YABU as you didn't communicate to DH that you would have liked him to stay home (though I sympathise with how you're feeling). If he'd then still gone out, then YANBU. Much more communication about everything that you're feeling can help, I've learned I just have to be more forthright.

I fully agree with you...but this is a work event so it could be important to his career.

I personally despise men.who have children and carry on like they did before. How many times do mothers post about their partners going off all day at the weekends for sport or still going out regularly"with the lads"...its pathetic

These comments are so ignorant 🤦‍♀️ Not all babies take bottles, not all mums are able to express or want to use formula, and settling an upset baby is not 'indulging them'!

Weirdly I commented on this post and it has completely disappeared.

Breastfeeding is objectively significantly better for a 5 month old than bottle feeding. It is absolutely absurd to suggest that a mother is somehow failing by not "putting the baby on a bottle" at 5 months. Babies should be exclusively breastfeed for the first 6 months and ideally breastfeeding should continue supplemented with solid food until 2 years. If mum can't breastfeed, for physical, social, work or emotional reasons, fair enough. That's what formula is for - for when breastfeeding isn't possible.

This mother is doing a great job and dared to get ill and her husband didn't step up. Comments about "what is he supposed to do if she is EBF" are very ignorant, as are outdated "rod for your own back" comments about an INFANT taking a long time to settle - when that is normal.

The man screwed up. OP has a fever of 39. A decent husband and father doesn't go out for dinner and leave his sick wife caring for a baby.

Who here would leave a 5 month old in the care of a nanny with a fever of 39 who could barely get up? Or, dare I suggest, in the care of a dad with a fever of 39 if the baby was "on a bottle".

Thought not.

Misogyny and ignorance of breastfeeding are abundant on this thread. It's very sad.

A lot of internalised misogyny and total ignorance on here.
An exhausted and unwell mum saying she wanted help from her partner.
Cue loads of people blaming the woman (OP) with absolutely rubbish suggestions like why isn’t baby on formula /bottles? Why does bedtime take 3 hours etc

OP has worked hard to establish breastfeeding and is doing her best for her baby. She needed TLC and someone to look after her a bit today. Running a fever, in a heatwave and ebf a baby is seriously tough going.

OP you’re doing great. 3 hours of cluster feeds and cuddles in the evening sound normal especially in heatwaves and growth spurts/ developmental leaps. Exclusively breastfeeding your baby is a valid and wonderful choice. Loads of breastfed babies never take a bottle. Are you in a good breastfeeding support group X