To cancel date over his ‘joke’?

[Datingwoee]

5th date tomorrow night with a man who has been great up to now. I’ve had to push the time back by an hour - said I’ll need extra time to freshen up after work. His reply to me was: “No worries, can’t be having a whiffy growler lol”.

Is that date cancelling worthy or am I being a bit too harsh?

Are you actually serious?

Anyone that "presumes access" is a massive red flag. It tells me that they think consent is something that can be assumed rather than having to be given each time. This guy has taken it one step further as he hasn't just thought it privately, he's actually insinuated it to the OP in a text.

OP may want to sleep with him again, she may not. She may want to have sex and then decide halfway through that she wants to stop and she'd be completely within her rights to.

This guy has assumed they are having sex and in many situations this would trample on people's boundaries. Suddenly, OP knows he is "expecting" sex and for some people, that would put them under pressure to do what the other person is expecting. It's gross.

Oooooooh!

It’s giving me the ick. I’m put off. YUCK.
HTH.

I have to agree. If he’s making comments like this when he’s on his best behavior what will he be like further down the road!

Anyone who uses the term presuming access is extremely worrying. I don’t know where these phrases come from.

I know some women find humour in this kind of thing. I am totally mystified why.

So, did we cancel over a whiffy growler or didn’t we? I’m riveted.

He has the interpersonal skill of a gnat

and many men will view her differently and are often less likely to stay with her.

Unless she wants to date misogynist men that’s not an issue.

“What’s wrong with presuming access”.

Jesus Wept…

It made me laugh … but I’d have laughed and then cancelled the date.

Precisely. It’s only the kind of men that talk about body count that are going to care. So depressing that some women are still blaming other women for men’s behaviour. Christ I thought that was dying out in the 1990s.

‘What did you expect’ should be sent into the sea. It’s the kind of language that leads to ‘what was she wearing’ or ‘how much did she have to drink’

I know, right? It makes me want to weep a bit…

You do you.

OP's question is whether it's reasonable to cancel a date over this. Therefore she does find it a problem. And she is the one in that situation, nor you or I.

If he'd been her husband of 10 years, my answer might well be different. She doesn't know this bloke. His mask's dropped early and it's probably a good thing it has; prevents any incursion into sunk costs fallacy when you can merely avoid sinking them in the first place. He's already showing who he is.

Misogynistic males are not OP's problem to fix. Nor does having dated him a handful of times or even had sex with him make him her problem to fix. Sex is not a commitment. You can 'like' someone and then change your mind and decide behaviour like this is not something that will enhance your life.

IMO, this would be sensible.

Hope you've saved an eye roll for me, then, because I had sex with DH on the first night (albeit we'd been getting to know each other online for a month beforehand) and we've been married 23 years!

Obviously you're entitled to your views as are all of us, but personally I think the right time for two people to have sex, provided there's mutual respect (and I do realise this bloke's remark reveals there probably wasn't) is whenever it feels natural to do so. If a man thinks less of a woman for having sex early on, she's dodged a bullet in my view, such men often turn out to have a madonna/whore complex ime.

It is concerning and indicates that your benchmark for men is… below the gutter, that you even have to ask @Datingwoee

Oh! You’re so fancy. 😍 I’m away in France at the moment- just had a lovely nap. I’m hoping DS is cleaning our pool properly in our absence. Hope you had a nice dip!

Sorry to have bored you but gotta admire your ongoing efforts to avoid engaging with your fuck-up 😂 Lol @ the cheerio and the bisous! Cheerio always remind me of my lovely Dad so thank you for that 💐

I think the thread shows that the world is divided into two types of women, women who think men refering to their genitalia as growlers is funny and women who prefer more respect and don’t wish a partner who is so easily coarse about their body.

i wonder which group has more successful long term relationships. I suspect it’s the latter. Far too many women end up in relationships with men who don’t respect them, and this comment isn’t exactly a sign of respect is it.

(Patiently, awaits the posters rushing to claim the last time they shagged a man on the first night, they ended up marrying him and have now been married 20 years.) 🙄

Well now you mention, married for 30yrs.

We both wanted to have sex.

If he had thought badly of me & there were no more dates that wouldn't be a loss for either of us.

@PrettyLittleRose
Imagine shagging someone after 2-3 dates, and then finding out he's a gross pig with the emotional maturity of Jay from The Inbetweeners?!

Relationships shift after you have sex. You might find out you are sexually incompatible, or maybe his true self will stay hidden while he holds out or a shag. I’d rather not waste 20 dates before getting that information.

My husband and I slept together the night we met. We have been happily married for 15 years. As far as I know he doesn’t consider me to be some sort of whore but I will double check with him when he gets home from work.

But did the OP go on the date???? We need to know!!!!

Yeurgh! A prior engagement might be an idea 😉 Just don't! (and tell him why 👍). The right fella is out there x

Presuming access?

My God thats fucking revolting - you cant actually be serious? so, because someone has had sex once with someone that means they can never decline it ever again or remove consent and consent must be assumed forever afterwards?

Bloody hell, this is so disturbing and wrong

That would be an immediate no from me. It’s gross and seriously misjudged.

Who the hell said they can never decline it again? In fact if you actually read what I said, I quite clearly the opposite.

I wasn't the one who started using the phrase presuming access, which I find quite a creepy phrase. All I did was point out that just having a presumption that this date would follow the same course as a previous date, isn't in itself a problem.

Do you not base presumptions and expectations of the future on past experience?

Honestly, they really need to bring back the laughing emoji 🤣