AITA for being annoyed MIL does washing when I’m away?

[DChesh34]

Every time my family and I go away for a week or so, my MIL comes in and does washing (even if there’s 4 items in the basket), moves pots off the drainer (doesn’t put away, just leaves on the side?) and just potters about.
It riles me to no end! I’ve been a very independent person for my whole life and I hate being molly cuddled.
I’ve tried to say in a joking way “don’t be doing my jobs, you have enough of your own to do”, but she still comes in!
Am I being a total a hole?! I know she’s trying to help but these few jobs aren’t helpful and it just grates on me. She’s lovely and I know she’s trying to be nice but it makes me annoyed at her, which makes me feel guilty, making me feel even more annoyed!!
She leaves flowers too which makes me feel like an even BIGGER a hole!!

She sounds as though.she has good intentions. But l would find her behaviour to be intrusive tbh.

You need to tell her this

If you have told her not to and she is still doing it, then she is not being nice.

This “she’s just being nice” despite being told not to is not being nice, it’s being rude especially if you’re creating more work for the person and not putting things back how you found them or how the house goes.

People like this annoy me even more so the people who make excuses for it.

Just because you would like it if your MIL did such things, others would not, again if it creates more work for them.

I wouldn’t let myself into anyone’s house and then start doing things without their permission or knowing and I definitely would be hoping both adults that live there were ok with it if I offered or was asked, not just one.

I would say talk to her again and explain it to her.

If she really wants to help, you could give her a task or say, “thanks for the help, I do things this way because xyz if it isn’t.”

My Mum used to do similar stuff and I hated it! It made me feel weirdly judged. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling this way. I also know how hard it is to just say ‘please stop’ so many people must have had really normal childhoods where they were able to freely set boundaries and say how they felt without anyone being upset with them. Me and my OH weren’t! We find it really hard to just say stuff like that so we would skirt around it by making jokes etc. I’m getting better at speaking my mind but I’m knocking on a bit now. My Mum doesn’t do it anymore, I’m not sure when it stopped but it did.

Ooh I’m really glad I read this response. I’ve often felt guilty that me and my OH see our home as very private and as our sanctuary. I’m glad that someone else posted that as it articulates how I feel and makes me feel a bit more normal! Not everyone wants an open house and that’s okay.

Surprised how many people think this is ok

If she really wants to help, suggest you tell her what might be helpful eg gardening

And be clear eg "please leave laundry in the basket". Wishy washy "you don't need to do laundry" won't get the message through

I do little things like this when my son & partner go away. I usually cat sit for them but wash up any pots left (usually just a couple of cups from a brew before they head off). Hoover before they get back & make sure there's milk in the fridge for them getting home. I do sometimes worry that she'll take offence (I know he won't even notice) but I can't help myself. However, she does seem to appreciate it...or she's just being polite 🤷

But you are legitimately in your DIL's house to cat sit. Washing a couple of cups is very different from going through your DIL's laundry basket which many people would find very intrusive.

So, nothing to do with the OP''s question about laundry, then?

I do this for my son and daughter in law ….daughter in law is very laid back though ….and I always say now and again if I’m interfering just let me know but there happy to let me do it …it’s my way of helping out ….Just have a nice serious word not jokey ….x

Maybe it’s because I know for a 100% fact that my mum would be opening drawers, reading mail etc. that I wouldn’t ever want her in my house unattended. She’d also keep a mental tally of all the times she’d ‘helped’ uninvited to and try and use it against me at a later point. It’s sad but that obviously clouds my views on stuff like this as I honestly didn’t think anyone would want their MIL to do this in a million years (and clearly, OP doesn’t want her to either).

Whilst you are being an A hole as she is only trying to help and be kind - this is my rationale head on…….. I’d be absolutely the SAME! I’d hate it! My partners aunty did this once when we were away, she rearranged our spare bed room too, which did need sorting as it’s the ‘full of crap’ room but I was FUMING! It’s like an invasion of personal space isn’t it?
You have my sympathies xxxx

Someone keeps going into your house to do housework? OH NO 😱

Seriously though I get why you might not want someone wandering around your house while you’re away but if she never lifted a finger for you then you might be complaining about that instead. Pick your battles.

I think I misunderstood when I made my earlier post. I'd assumed that MIL had an agreed reason to go to the house while you were away, but did some extra things that you hadn't asked for.

But if she just let herself in randomly, then you're not wrong to be annoyed, however lovely she is. I never let myself into my daughters' houses without them knowing. If I have something for them that I want to drop off when they're out, I'll message them first to ask if it's okay.

Let me know when you’re next going away and I’ll drop round a couple of bags of washing.
does she do iron the clothes too?

Not yet anyway

She sounds lovely, make the most of it

Yes you are definitely right, I’m judging this from the perspective of remembering my lovely, caring and selfless grandma coming to help with housework while absolutely respecting our privacy

Thanks. It is your house and surely that should be the one place where you can shut out the world. I'm never sure about well-meaning actions and intentions, unsolicited anyway. I hope you get it resolved.

No. I had a boyfriend when I was younger who lived in his own flat. His nan used to come down once a week to clean it. Had her own key. We went on holiday and she did a deep clean - brought his bong up just like brand new. She also wrote to us while we were away - we were only gone a week. I burned a pan and she lost her shit. No thanks!

No. I had a boyfriend when I was younger who lived in his own flat. His nan used to come down once a week to clean it. Had her own key. We went on holiday and she did a deep clean - brought his bong up just like brand new. She also wrote to us while we were away - we were only gone a week. I burned a pan and she lost her shit. No thanks!

No. I had a boyfriend when I was younger who lived in his own flat. His nan used to come down once a week to clean it. Had her own key. We went on holiday and she did a deep clean - brought his bong up just like brand new. She also wrote to us while we were away - we were only gone a week. I burned a pan and she lost her shit. No thanks!

My first reaction would be like you OP, but when I think about it a bit more isn’t it win win to let her do it? Saves you having to do it and gives her a sense of worth. Try and see it as a kind gesture on her part and accept it with good grace.

Why is it more important that MIL is happy than Op over this?

Yup, you're a giant gaping hole

This would drive me insane. If I leave dirty laundry in the bag, I still want it to be there when I get home. Same for dirty plates.

People only want to treat you under their own rules. It’s only helpful if you have asked for it isn’t it?

Yes, I’m the mother of sons, my daughters-in-law will never write stuff like this about me because I wouldn’t do it. If they and my sons want me to go around and do laundry/washing up/other stuff then they can ask and I would gladly do it. If they don’t ask, I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t like someone snooping in my home when I didn’t know anything about it so why would they?

If you have a garden you are cultivating for rare orchids or wildlife, would you appreciate someone razing everything to the ground? No. But if you are not cultivating these things and are completely overwhelmed, you can ask someone to raze everything to the ground to give you a clean slate to start with that’s fine. Big, big difference between the two though.