AITA for being annoyed MIL does washing when I’m away?

[DChesh34]

Every time my family and I go away for a week or so, my MIL comes in and does washing (even if there’s 4 items in the basket), moves pots off the drainer (doesn’t put away, just leaves on the side?) and just potters about.
It riles me to no end! I’ve been a very independent person for my whole life and I hate being molly cuddled.
I’ve tried to say in a joking way “don’t be doing my jobs, you have enough of your own to do”, but she still comes in!
Am I being a total a hole?! I know she’s trying to help but these few jobs aren’t helpful and it just grates on me. She’s lovely and I know she’s trying to be nice but it makes me annoyed at her, which makes me feel guilty, making me feel even more annoyed!!
She leaves flowers too which makes me feel like an even BIGGER a hole!!

Sounds like a dream! If you don’t want her doing it, take her key off her and tell her using direct language.
‘Please don’t come round and move things / do washing whilst we’re away. I know you think you’re being helpful but I find it intrusive’.

I wish my mother in law or mother did that.

She sounds lovely. I’d have loved a kind caring mother in law.

Why not put it all away before you go, so nothing there for her to do. Not that you should need to. Or oh I've lost my keys, change the locks and dont give her one.

The trouble with taking the key off her is that you might have an emergency one day, and you need her to go round.
If you don’t want her doing it say so to her face, don’t make a joke of it.

Take the key. Then she can't come in

I get that if you’re an independent person, maybe being left alone is a higher value for you than being ‘helped’, and that this behaviour would be annoying, but I have voted YABU just because I feel sad for your MIL that you’re so annoyed you’ve posted on Mumsnet about it.
I have school-age boys, so it’s a bit hypothetical, but if they had a family I would (obvs only if I’d been given keys) absolutely leave flowers for my DIL, and try and make the house nice for everyone for when they came back from holiday.

It’s hard to be a MIL when you have sons, I think 😞

Taking her key back advice is far easier said than done. It could cause terrible upset.

Leave more washing for her to do and leave a sink full of dirty dishes, also leave out the hoover, duster n polish as well as the bathroom cleaner stuff, 🤣🤣 maybe if she had lots of do, it would put her off going to your house

I don’t think it’s a mother of boys issue. This would annoy me a bit if my own mother did it.

Is she lonely or bored? Is she meant to come round for some other purpose while you're away? TBH what you have mentioned doesn't sound that invasive or annoying - a bit of washing, moving some pots. (Not sure I'd notice minor things had been moved)

Have it tidied before she comes.

She sounds lovely. Why can't you just appreciate her good intentions?

My best friend does this when im away.
In all honesty it really doesn't bother me.

Your feelings are valid op but why does a bit of washing being done bother you. Im not saying your wrong, but you do say she is lovely. I see this as a way of showing love and care, especially with the flowers which is a lovely touch to come home to
What does dh say, after all its his house too?.

Maybe make sure all the cleaning is done before going away?

Im kidding,

Sometimes you just have to be direct or just get over it. I love it when my mum does things like this when I’m away, keeps my house fresh!

Thanks all. I need to get off my high horse and just accept she likes to mother and help. Don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I get bugged by it so much!

Leave more washing for her to do and leave a sink full of dirty dishes, also leave out the hoover, duster n polish as well as the bathroom cleaner stuff, 🤣🤣 maybe if she had lots of do, it would put her off going to your house
Or maybe not and OP will blow a fuse!

Your assumption is that her having a key and using it in this way isn’t causing terrible upset.

Just tell her not to do anything, rather than make jokes. All three of my DD's are independent, they'll still ask if they want me to do a wash etc, while away. You tell her that nothing needs doing and if you don't want flowers, just say so.

I think the mother in law would just quietly do the washing and clearing up. She obviously likes to help.

I know a lot of people will say that’s great / send her to mine etc but I do get you OP. It’s an invasion of your privacy if YOU don’t want it, it doesn’t matter what others think.
She isn’t cleaning out your wardrobes or underwear drawer or spring cleaning though, it sounds low level?
So in my view isn’t something to fall out about, she and you sound reasonable, so a good conversation being hinest with her is all that’s needed.

Things like this used to drive me batty. My parents and in laws are dead now and I have adult children of my own. I have to hold myself back from doing little things to 'help'. Cut her some slack, or just make it into a joke. She really isn't trying to undermine or upset you.

If I give you a comparison....

My mil used to visit, wouldn't get off her bum, left plates where she was sitting, wouldn't make a cup of tea, didn't move. Woke the kids when they were babies from sleep....

I could say a lot more....

Your feelings are valid, but she is trying to make your life nicer and easier.... Maybe have a chat and work through what that means for you, but....it could be a lot worse.

Is she genuinely a nice person and good MIL? Then she knows how shit it is to come home to housework especially laundry when you've brought weeks worth of dirty clothes home with you. She's trying to make your house feel welcoming for you. If say it's more an effort targeting to looking after you as typically it's not expected for men to being doing all the extra housework.

Or she's typically overbearing and controlling and is taking the opportunity to get in your house without you there and potter about muttering about how lazy you are to have washing pilling up. You know which one it is.

But if you don't like just more direct and actually ask her not to instead of joking

I’m not sure id like my own mother doing this while I was away.. mainly I guess because it would entail going into my bedroom for the laundry etc. I do have my cleaners going in while I’m away and I don’t mind that but that’s a different relationship. Is there something she could do to still feel useful that would be less intrusive to you? Stick some milk and bread in for you just before you get back? Water something in the garden?