AITA for being annoyed MIL does washing when I’m away?

[DChesh34]

Every time my family and I go away for a week or so, my MIL comes in and does washing (even if there’s 4 items in the basket), moves pots off the drainer (doesn’t put away, just leaves on the side?) and just potters about.
It riles me to no end! I’ve been a very independent person for my whole life and I hate being molly cuddled.
I’ve tried to say in a joking way “don’t be doing my jobs, you have enough of your own to do”, but she still comes in!
Am I being a total a hole?! I know she’s trying to help but these few jobs aren’t helpful and it just grates on me. She’s lovely and I know she’s trying to be nice but it makes me annoyed at her, which makes me feel guilty, making me feel even more annoyed!!
She leaves flowers too which makes me feel like an even BIGGER a hole!!

I think Yanbu if you feel uncomfortable with her going through private stuff etc if you’d ever had a bad relationship with her.
but if you’re not bothered from that respect then I’d let her crack on. It probably helps her when she’s missing you all (I imagine she sees you lots and maybe helps with childcare if she has a key!)
my parents would do things like this for me and I’m very grateful. Would take some getting used to if I had a mil though!

I’m sure she’s doing it from a good place, but I would feel v uncomfortable about this too. When I go away I want to lock the door and be in the knowledge that my home won’t be entered unless I request it.
Anyone going through my dirty washing other than myself or the people living in the house would feel intrusive - I want my dirty knickers to stay private.

I think that using your key in this way would annoy me too, to be honest.

Presumably keys are given for emergencies, or to be used at the request of the home owner.

the thought of someone pottering around your house, regardless of intentions, doesn’t sit well with everyone.

I’ve only ever used people’s keys for the exact reason it’s been given, and vice versa.

have you asked her to drop in for any reason whilst you are away OP? Or if the whole visit just something she’s taken upon herself?

OP, DM’s friend can only wait an hour after her son, dil, children fly off on holiday before she is round there, ‘cleaning the house from top to bottom’ husband too,

She even empties all the kitchen cupboards, cleans, returns items in neat rows, (sleeping with the enemy) changes all the bedding and launders, irons everything - then they get stuck into the garden.
What the dil thinks of this annual jamboree is not recorded.

Leaving a bunch of fresh flowers and maybe some fresh bread and milk for someone's return is lovely.

I'd be really put out by her going through my dirty laundry though. It's very personal, plus I'm very picky about how it's washed.

Presumably people only have a day or two's worth of laundry sitting there so it's no great hardship to add it to the pile you're going to have to do anyway when you get home.

I often feel guilty asking MIL to help with cat feeding when we’re away and taking in parcels and she volunteers to iron DH shirts. When I say I feel guilty she says please don’t I like to feel needed. I wonder if this could be the case with your MIL too?

I’m surprised by the answers so far. I would hate this. It would feel passive aggressively judgy and intrusive. When my MIL comes she camps in the kitchen insists on spending hours cooking and cleaning and spends minimal time with the kids or with us. She doesn’t want to do anything. It drives me mad, she presents it like she’s helping me out but it’s her son’s house too. She will say things like ‘I’ve cleaned the bathroom for you’ - to me not her son. When obviously it’s already been cleaned just before she arrived. Women are still judged on these things and tidying up/cleaning suggests it wasn’t good enough already. I don’t say anything to my MIL and try to ignore it and say thank you and smile but I would much rather she came and got out a board game with the kids or sat and had a coffee and a chat with us.

My own mum was a great help to me. But she’d never have dreamed of letting herself into my house while I was away. It’s invasive.

I could never take her key away. She really is a lifeline to us but this is just a boundary I get annoyed at her crossing. Sometimes we do ask her to water plants but on this occasion she did it herself without being asked (wasn’t necessary this time).
Thanks for validating my feelings but also thanks for those who say I am being a bit unreasonable. DH doesn’t even notice and when I raise it, he just shrugs.
She doesn’t do what some of the posters have mentioned (I’d flip then I think) so I should just let it go.

Thanks for all the comments - didn’t expect so many!!!

She's only doing it because she knows you'll have piles of washing to do when you get home from holiday. Is your FIL a helpful type? If not she probably had years of doing everything by herself so it's a really sweet that she is trying to lighten your load...

I do know what you mean though! My mum can't seem to stop herself from emptying my dishwasher which would be lovely but she puts everything away in the wrong place causing havoc!

If it’s the sense of being molly coddled that bothers you, could you reframe it as you helping her?

it is obviously something that is meaningful to her, so you allowing her to do it is a gift from you to her.

purposefully leave some bits for her to do, and then a nice note saying hello or something. Then it doesn’t feel like something that is done to you but something that you have participated in/managed?

this is only if you want to find a way to accept it, of course, you are allowed to just tell her to stop of course.

My MIL says the same about it being tricky being a mother of boys, her own MIL was a tarter and she said she never wanted to be like that with her own DIL’s. Shes an angel and I adore her and have a relationship with her outside of DH. We go shopping and on days out as friends.

My lovely MIL was so desperate to be helpful that I came back from the shops once to find she'd hung up the washing from the machine. Unfortunately I hadn’t switched it on because it wasn’t full. No idea how she didn’t notice!

plus! the bottom of the laundry basket is where I might hide things as I’m 100% guaranteed no one else dives in there - gin bottle, birthday presents, one time a
pair of shoes (long story) why would anyone delve into someone else’s laundry basket, it’s odd behaviour

Send her round to mine 🫣. In a serious note it would t bother me but I understand you may feel like your privacy is invaded and she's violated your space

Lock all your washing in a cupboard before you go?

Tbh I’d be grateful if I’d left pots on the draining board and they disappeared whilst we were on holiday so it was tidy when we came back. I wouldn’t like knowing someone was in my house though regardless of who they are but considering you have given her a key and ask her to enter to water plants I don’t think that’s the issue

Perhaps you need to try harder at communicating to her that you're unpleasant.

I'm surprised so many think that YABU.

It sounds as if she goes in for no reason sometimes.

Doing a small wash & moving pots about isn't really helping is it?

I'd be annoyed too, but why on earth does she have a key! Nobody has a right to come into your house without permission. I'd be changing the locks ASAP.

She does it for your DH. You say that he doesn't notice but he probably would if she didn't. People do tend to notice when the washing up fairy or ironing elf doesn't wave their magic wand.

I do understand how you would feel uncomfortable about your MIL being so comfortable around your home though.

I have sons too (teens at the moment) I would never dream of in future going into the house they shared with their wife and doing things without being asked. It’s an invasion of privacy.

Some I wouldn't mind, but I'd draw the line at the washing

Too personal for me

I wouldn't have given her a key to start with. Tidying up? Who knows what else she might be nosying in? My home is my sanctuary and my private space after there was an incident involving an exbf [of a couple of months] interferring with my personal things. Relatives are no different, no keys.
My kids live several hours away and do not drop by so said they don't need/want keys. They may stay over but still don't have keys - their choice.

Yeah I agree OP I would absolutely hate this!!

If you haven't asked for her help with something then she is interfering.

Either get her DS to tell her shes overstepping and please dont do the washing, give the key to someone else you can trust or just take her key back!