AITA for being annoyed MIL does washing when I’m away?

[DChesh34]

Every time my family and I go away for a week or so, my MIL comes in and does washing (even if there’s 4 items in the basket), moves pots off the drainer (doesn’t put away, just leaves on the side?) and just potters about.
It riles me to no end! I’ve been a very independent person for my whole life and I hate being molly cuddled.
I’ve tried to say in a joking way “don’t be doing my jobs, you have enough of your own to do”, but she still comes in!
Am I being a total a hole?! I know she’s trying to help but these few jobs aren’t helpful and it just grates on me. She’s lovely and I know she’s trying to be nice but it makes me annoyed at her, which makes me feel guilty, making me feel even more annoyed!!
She leaves flowers too which makes me feel like an even BIGGER a hole!!

Can't move on here for posters angry because the MILs didn't come into their house uninvited and move some pots off the draining board and put them on the side, or wash four items from the laundry basket, can you?

OP she's not an asshole, I'm sure, but nor are you for not liking this. It's intrusive and unasked for, and I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask her not to.

Us mother in laws can't do right for doing wrong!!

I can see why it bothers you but personally I'd massively take advantage, see it as a win-win, leave a full washing basket and dishes in the sink, or pop her a message saying you're worried something in the fridge might go off - could she clear it out. It'll make her happy to be wanted and you will get something you actually want done, done, rather than her aimlessly pottering.

What a lovely post

It’s incredibly intrusive! I wouldn’t like it one bit either.

Please link us to the thread where someone posted 'We went on holiday for a week and MIL didn't come round and do our laundry unasked!'.

If you can't, you're talking absolute shit.

I get you OP. There's such a mix of opinions here - either very for it, or very against. Neither me or DH would accept this. Our house is our sanctuary and our private space and I'd find it really intrusive.

Made me sob

Yeah I would absolutely hate this. I'd hate my mum doing it too. She does sound very kind but nope.
I'd get a burglar alarm or security camera installed, then you can just say oh please don't pop in, the alarm will ping our phones and we'll think there's an intruder.

I thought you were going to say she found an embarrassing item of clothing or something. As that’s not the case, YABU. I’d love some help to do my washing!

@DChesh34 "I need to get off my high horse and just accept she likes to mother and help."

Yep, especially as you say she's been "a lifeline" to you.

I can’t believe all the people saying it’s lovely and they would like it. It’s really weird. Why is she coming around to your house and letting herself in when you’re not even there? I don’t want someone poking around my house and my stuff when I’m out.

This is how some people show care… I’m guessing she helped you with other things in the past?

I’m hyperindependent as well and things like that annoy me, but this is because my mum was cold and I didn’t grow up with this kind of care. It’s a kind of a wound we carry, independence comes from not being able to rely on your closest family when you were a child and learning that you can only count on yourself. It makes us uncomfortable to be treated this way because we didn’t grow up with it. All my life it would also annoy me when I saw people being needy and asking for help in situations I would manage on my own if I was in their place. It all comes from childhood trauma.

I definitely wouldn’t tell her off and would be nice to her because she only has good intentions. It’s quite normal behaviour in functional families who support each other…

Surely caring is helping with what you've been asked to do?

Not assuming that you can then let yourself in unasked & do stuff that you think needs doing?

It really isn't. My MIL had 6 sons and she is great. She wouldn't have done my washing without checking with me (I wouldn't want anyone to do my laundry like that), she would have listened to me if I said "don't bother doing that anymore MIL" even if she thought it was unreasonable.

OP just say "MIL I really don't want you doing our laundry when we are away - and I'm not just saying that to be polite. I simply don't want you doing it"

They’re not „people” though, it’s mum going to her child’s house to help… My grandma used to do it when I lived with my dad as a teenager, she had a key so she’d come around to clean the windows and tidy up. She stopped doing it after she came one day and one of my dad’s flings was still in bed alone in the house, awkward 😂

i would never poke around looking for laundry but I do tell my dil to leave any ironing she would like done.if asked I leave milk and bread for them when they come back from holiday, and have been known to leave flowers when I return the dog I have looked after for a week.This is obviously entirely wrong and I’m obviously a rubbish mil.

I'm planning to be away early September if she's free

Give her a job that’s useful and won’t wind you up. Like watering the plants or dusting.

I have school-age boys, so it’s a bit hypothetical, but if they had a family I would (obvs only if I’d been given keys) absolutely leave flowers for my DIL, and try and make the house nice for everyone for when they came back from holiday.

I have a son and there's no way I would let myself into his house whilst he's on holiday with his family, unless I'm specifically asked to. It's their private space.

Put cameras up for security in the house. And talk to her through them when she comes round. But only for a minute because you're 'off out'. She might feel uncomfortable being there knowing she is being watched / recorded. So she might actually use her key for emergencies only.

Or.. sit down with her and tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her about the guilt. Explain it's not her issue and she has done nothing wrong. Talking also works. Only English people behave like this. Passive aggressive and repressed. Just talk to each other!

I would leave a list of jobs for her to be getting on with.

The OP's AIBU was about laundry and you said you wouldn't do that, so I'm not sure why you're huffing and taking it all so personally.

Out of interest though, why would you only offer to do your DIL's ironing and not your son's?

I agree. I have one son (18) and I hope to have a good relationship with any future DIL. I will, of course, keep my distance unless specifically needed. Makes me nervous to be honest 🤣😅

100%. Sounds like someone who shows love with acts of service. Appreciate for what it is stop overthinking and enjoy the flowers.