AITA for being annoyed MIL does washing when I’m away?

[DChesh34]

Every time my family and I go away for a week or so, my MIL comes in and does washing (even if there’s 4 items in the basket), moves pots off the drainer (doesn’t put away, just leaves on the side?) and just potters about.
It riles me to no end! I’ve been a very independent person for my whole life and I hate being molly cuddled.
I’ve tried to say in a joking way “don’t be doing my jobs, you have enough of your own to do”, but she still comes in!
Am I being a total a hole?! I know she’s trying to help but these few jobs aren’t helpful and it just grates on me. She’s lovely and I know she’s trying to be nice but it makes me annoyed at her, which makes me feel guilty, making me feel even more annoyed!!
She leaves flowers too which makes me feel like an even BIGGER a hole!!

I would love that. She is welcome at mine.

Im obviously totally anti feminist and think ironing is a woman's responsibility 🫢I didn’t think I was huffing, the laundry bit doesn’t affect me, as you so kindly pointed out. I do wonder why flowers are wrong. I’d be delighted if someone left me some (and I do have a key, as does my dil to my house) would never let myself in without knocking or texting or drop in without notice.It just seems a bit sad that a nice gesture is criticised (agree about the wash basket though).

same, my own mother is not even like this.

if she was not lovely and was just doing it to snoop and be a pain in the ass, and was snide about it, I would stop her from doing it, but in your case, leave her be, she is lovely so she is a great family member by helping you. Be thankful for the care.

This is one of the instances I am genuinely glad I am single.

I couldn't cope with someone coming into my home and interfering with my personal stuff without my permission.

I cannot comprehend how she thinks it is acceptable. I would never dream of intruding in that way. Doesn't she have any manners?

It's really not difficult. If you want to, offer to help. If that help is declined, don't interfere.

How is that unreasonable?

This would annoy me too but I would suck it up if I got on with her otherwise. FWIW we’re close with my in laws and my parents and we all live near each other and have keys but no one would do people s laundry. I think that’s a step too far tbh. What IS helpful is my mum will come in and leave some basic groceries like bread milk fruit etc. perhaps you could suggest to your MIL “please don’t do any washing, there won’t be much and I prefer to do it myself, but if you’re going in we’d really appreciate some milk for when we get back”.

that’s what I’d do, would make her feel wanted etc but it’s not so intrusive.

I completely agree and I'm suprised by all the comments in support of MIL letting herself into OP's home without permission.

I wouldn't let myself into my son's home without being asked/asking first and I would be annoyed if someone let themselves into my house without doing the same, regardless of whether they had good intentions.

My mil did my washing, shrunk my cashmere jumper and then never owned up to it. What little respect I once had for her disappeared after that

We got married in 1981 and we had literally just moved into our new house that day. The following day we we went on a weeks honeymoon. When we got back there were about 4-6 items of washed and ironed bits of clothing on our bed. My dad said he’d come in, taken our dirty washing and said it would get mildued in the washing basket so had washed it! I was fuming but couldn’t say anything as i didn’t want to fall out with him. He’s no longer with us but I still think back and fume about it. So I agree with the Op, I’d put a stop to it pronto!

Does she have a husband at home?

I wouldn’t like it. Especially not the washing it’s too intrusive. Our washing machine broke and MIL offered to do ours until we got it fixed, I didn’t send her any of my stuff because it just didn’t feel right.
She used to faff around if she babysat, arranging things different ways etc. I didn’t like that either, again it’s intrusive and I wouldn’t dream of doing it in her house.

She wants you to like her, she wants to do the jobs she did for her son I guess? If you can assume it comes from a good place and doesn't make your life harder I would just accept it as a quirk that comes with having husband. If it's more work for you then take it up first with husband, then MIL. Mils can be sent from heaven or mothers of boys, sometimes both if you're lucky

No, you just change the locks and tell her that your insurance company doesn’t like other people to have keys.

You can turn the water off to most washing machines simply by turning the switch. A lot of people do this as a safety precaution when they go on holiday. Tell your MIL you are doing this so please don’t turn on the washing machine.

When I was younger and had my children, MIL came to stay for a week or two each time. She cooked, cleaned, held baby so I could shower, did the laundry and as soon as I was done BFing, she would take the baby and insist I nap a little. Sometimes something would be put away in the wrong place, or done in a way I wouldn't have, but it was a very small inconvenience and not worth even mentioning. She was wonderful!! I loved her so much. You are fortunate, too!

I have looked after my grandchildren in their own homes while daughters have been on weekend breaks with husband and I will clean up after the children and keep it tidy. I will go down the kids washing baskets but never the adults in fact I don't even go into adults bedrooms, step too far and I would have hated that myself.

Mine used to do this, I hated it.

Not sure I'd like this OP in terms of someone else handling my smalls but, it does sound like her intention is to be helpful and kind. Maybe she wants to be the MIL she wanted to have or to continue the type of help she had...maybe ask that she leaves the washing but maybe thank her for keeping an eye on the house? It's a tough one...

It could be a true act of altruism. However, many covert narcissists engage in this type of behaviour. It appears on the outside to be nice, polite and helpful. But inside, they secretly loathe the task but do it to keep up the false pretence of being nice. It also allows them control and a feeling of superiority over you. ‘You are too lazy to do your washing but don’t worry, good old me is here to the rescue the situation you lazy bitch!’

Now again, not saying this is the case here but ask yourself, why do you resent it? Is MIL really as nice as you think she is? What does she get out of it?

Why give her a key. Change the locks.

Either put up with it, after all she is just trying to be nice. Or ask her not to do it and explain your reason why.

You are being an bit of an a hole. Many women would dream of having a lovely sweet MIL like this. I get why it grates on you though because she also does sound a tad annoying but oh well, that's MILs right?

Years ago my MIL/FIL came over to our flat whilst we were on holiday, we must have asked them too-general check to see that it was ok
They put up net curtains in our kitchen window!!! I was fuming! I took them down straightaway, gave them back next time we saw them. She said “ you’re overlooked by the houses nearby..”
Net curtains, never liked them.
I go over to my sisters house to water plants when they are away, I’ve never interfered with their house jobs-leaving flowers is a nice touch.

Aw it sounds really lovely and helpful! I’d love it if I came home to a pristine house with fresh flowers after holiday…