AITA for being annoyed MIL does washing when I’m away?

[DChesh34]

Every time my family and I go away for a week or so, my MIL comes in and does washing (even if there’s 4 items in the basket), moves pots off the drainer (doesn’t put away, just leaves on the side?) and just potters about.
It riles me to no end! I’ve been a very independent person for my whole life and I hate being molly cuddled.
I’ve tried to say in a joking way “don’t be doing my jobs, you have enough of your own to do”, but she still comes in!
Am I being a total a hole?! I know she’s trying to help but these few jobs aren’t helpful and it just grates on me. She’s lovely and I know she’s trying to be nice but it makes me annoyed at her, which makes me feel guilty, making me feel even more annoyed!!
She leaves flowers too which makes me feel like an even BIGGER a hole!!

My mil did that. One day we got home from work and she when taking our children back did the ironing.
She was lovely.

I can see both sides. It is your home. And women can be a bit territorial. And you don’t need ‘help’.
But mothers hate feeling redundant. And want to still be ‘mum’. And she probably is trying to make it nice for you all when you get home. And might even worry if she didn’t do something that there could be a complaint of ‘ do you think my MIL should have tidied my house when I was away, it wouldn’t have hurt her’.
It isn’t something I would fuss over.

I feel so sorry for mothers-in-law - can't do right for wrong. One of my daughters only has sons and I hope she doesn't end up with mealy-mouthed, ungrateful, daughters-in-law.

Totally agree.

It's intrusive and feels judgemental whether it's your own mum or MIL.

Take the key off her , if she has one and have a serious talk with your DH.
It is your household, how would your MIL feel if you did the same to her?
It stops, now.

|'d hate this, and would be grumbling for a while about it. It's a massive invasion of privacy, and some people mind and others don't and never the twain shall meet.

I came home once to find a friend of DH had turned up to help him and brought his wife for the day. She'd taken it upon herself to take my dry washing off the the line. Never met her before. Thought she was being helpful. That was a long day to get through before she went home. Never invited her back (not that I'd invited her in the first place)

100% agree!

Definitely harsh but I've stopped thanking my PIL for performative tidying/cleaning that I didn't ask for or has been done terribly. My FIL is particularly prone to doing a bad job of tidying up and making a fuss about telling me he's done something, which I then need to redo. Most items they wash up need redoing or I put them straight in the dishwasher from the draining board. They refuse to wear their glasses so can't see properly to clean, and have a irritating habit of shoving toys into whatever cupboard they can find.

I also only have sons and am not in the least bit worried about 'doing right from wrong' because it would never occur to me to let myself into their house and mess about with their things uninvited. It's just basic respect really and nothing to do with whether or not they're in a relationship at the time.

Given the language you've used, I'd say if your daughter has trouble it'll because you've raised her with your own internalised misogyny and to be instinctively prickly towards other women.

That’s not a comparison, though it would be interesting into know if the OPs MIL does what she does when they’re at home. Letting yourself into someone else’s home whilst they’re away and tinkering around is a bit off. Your MIL didn’t do that.

I agree - if she is kind enough to help, you might as well make it worth her while - and yours!

How lovely that she leaves flowers.

I am a MIL and would not be doing this unless asked, but it sounds as though it is coming from a good place.

I love both my mum and my mil dearly but this would bug the shit out of me. I think its fine to insist she stops.

YANBU. I hate people doing my stuff especially laundry I am very particular about how my washing is done and MiL does it wrong. Even my own Mum took the towel from the downstairs loo said 'this needs washing', it had only left the tumble dryer that morning. I went mental one day cos my MiL had collected all the towels, including my precious white super jumbo towel, washed them all together on 30° with no spin and hung on the washing like all before I had gotten up. That is not how towels are done and it took me months to get my towels back to normal. All my husband said is 'she think she is helping' well she's not.

It’s the unnecessary mooching around your house when you’re not there that would bug me. She has no need to be there so why does she go there? Never lived near family so haven’t experienced this, but if I did, I’d expect them to do as agreed eg water plants, not go into the laundry basket. Nobody bar the dogwalker has our spare key.

Hi saw your update and I think you are correct!

Unless she's doing anything too personal I think the right way to look at this is that it is a nice gift from her to you not an encroachment on your independence!

I wouldn’t want someone coming in my house if I’m not there. It’s very intrusive unless they are doing a particular job. Can you not just ask her not to do this if it annoys you. Instead of phrasing it as “ you have enough to do” say “ I would prefer you not to do housework and washing in our house whilst we are away. I know you mean well but I would prefer you not to do it”. If she asks why you can tell her it feels intrusive

It's not difficult at all. It's really straightforward. If someone has trusted you with a key to their house, you use it for emergencies only. Other than that, you don't let yourself in when they're not there - or even when they are there (i.e. you knock and wait, you don't just unlock and walk in) UNLESS they have SPECIFICALLY said " oh just let yourself in" or "make the place your own when we're away" similar.

If you would like to do something nice (flowers, washing etc) then you ask them whether that would be okay, and take notice of the answer.

These are the rules regardless of whether it's a neighbour, a parent, a DS and DIL, a DD and SIL, or anyone else

It seems obvious that OP won't have said she'd appreciate the MIL doing the washing (in fact she's told her the opposite) so in this case it's cut and dried and the MIL is in the wrong. PP are welcome to think it would be lovely for them, but that's irrelevant here.

But you aren't being unreasonable. If you or your DH had asked her to keep an eye on the house while you were away, that would be a different story. Her just turning up and doing unnecessary jobs seems like a breach of your privacy. Her leaving the flowers makes it impossible for you to set some boundaries as you would just seem to be churlish and ungrateful.

Does she just let herself in when she visits her son and you or does she knock/ring? I think she is probably too enmeshed in your lives.

I disagree with this, your home is your personal space, even if it’s a space with a husband and children. I’d dislike this OP. I’d ask for the key each time you go away and say you need to give it to a neighbour as they’ll be doing XYZ for you while you’re away.

YANBU to be bothered, and to vent here but YWouldBU to say anything.

As an idea, would you be able to suggest other tasks that would be helpful to you, as she clearly does want to help

Disclaimer: I am one of those people who have not RTFT so YANBU to be annoyed with me about that!

Edited typos

I wouldn't like this - but i wouldn't have given the key over.

If away for more than 10 days or so small house plants get put in the bath with a shallow bit of water and big ones get a deep dish under them. Give them a good drink and move them away from direct sunlight and most plants can go for 2 weeks just fine.

Cats go to the cattery.

The thought of someone (my mother, his mother, anyone really) mooching about in the house moving stuff makes me simmer.

I’ve had this. It drove me bonkers. It’s my dirt, I will clean it. I came home from work one day and she was on her hands and knees cleaning my oven. She’d had changed the duvet cover and sheets on our bed. I saw red. I asked her nicely to please stop doing my housework. To me it felt like it was an invasion of privacy and my cleaning wasn’t good enough for her.

We had a huge row. She threatened to kill herself. I told her to go right ahead. Needless to say she didn’t. The problem stems from my DH being an only child and she couldn’t let go. She still talks to him like he is five (he’s sixty one).

She didn’t clean any more but, she’s very manipulative and I can guess her next move and am always able to counteract it. She’s in a care home now but still tries to call the shots. We live along way from her now so only see her every month or so.

Send her round to mine. I would love someone to do this for me. My days of being precious over such things are long over, I just want someone to do the work instead of me.

Why is she going to your house when you are away though? Have you asked her to?

I don't YABU, I would also feel like it was an in invasion of my privacy. It's pretty low level though and she obviously has good intentions so I would also just put up with it, I think.

I get you OP, my SIL did this (with MIL keys) and also tidied up in our bedroom which i just found mortifying. Oh and then bought me some new bras and knickers for Christmas because she said I ‘clearly needed them’