AITA for being annoyed MIL does washing when I’m away?

[DChesh34]

Every time my family and I go away for a week or so, my MIL comes in and does washing (even if there’s 4 items in the basket), moves pots off the drainer (doesn’t put away, just leaves on the side?) and just potters about.
It riles me to no end! I’ve been a very independent person for my whole life and I hate being molly cuddled.
I’ve tried to say in a joking way “don’t be doing my jobs, you have enough of your own to do”, but she still comes in!
Am I being a total a hole?! I know she’s trying to help but these few jobs aren’t helpful and it just grates on me. She’s lovely and I know she’s trying to be nice but it makes me annoyed at her, which makes me feel guilty, making me feel even more annoyed!!
She leaves flowers too which makes me feel like an even BIGGER a hole!!

Personally I wouldn’t have liked my MiL handling any of my underwear - so doing my washing would have been a firm No, but I was lucky with my MiL, so I think she’d have felt that it was intrusive, too.

It depends on her intentions really. If you feel she’s doing it to be nosey and poking around as soon as she gets the chance when you’re not there then yes, that’s annoying. But from what you’ve said, it sounds like she’s trying to be helpful and make sure the house is clean and tidy for when you get back. I’d love someone to come in and leave me flowers so the house smelled nice when I got back! My mum always gets me a bit shopping for when we get back from holiday and does any washing I’ve got left over and I appreciate it immensely.

My FIL likes to come over when we’re away as he likes going out on his bike where we live and it used to really wind me up but I’ve let these things go as I’ve got older (and had to deal with other much bigger problems!) he loves doing jobs and making himself busy which does irritate me but now I’ve come to think knock yourself out! One less thing for us to do and it makes him happy so win win

It’s not ungrateful to not want things done to your own things in your own house without being asked first!

Flowers are fine. The other stuff is just annoying.

I feel sorry for MIL On here they stay out the way they its wrong they help it's also wrong! There damned if they do damned if they don't!

Sometimes we do ask her to water plants but on this occasion she did it herself without being asked (wasn’t necessary this time).

Honestly, how you can be annoyed by this, when she's clearly not only helpful, but thoughtful. She remembered that it's something you'd normally ask her to do, so she did it. Probably thinking that you'd assume that she would do it it had forgotten to ask.

Frankly she sounds like the perfect mother in law. You say that maybe you're 'a bit' unreasonable. I think you're massively unreasonable.

Now that's worth being angry about! I never, ever go into my DD and son in law's bedroom.

There's nothing wrong g in feeling the way you do. For me it would feel intrusive and and judgemental that somebody thinks they can walk in and do as they please.

Doing a wash for so few items would put me on edge.

My parents did this a couple of times when my kids were small and we were away. They came up and did a few wee jobs/cleaned a few bits that we missed with busy working lives and young children. They couldn’t help day to day due to distance so it was their way of helping us out. We did appreciate it, and it it never felt intrusive but I can understand how it might.

Now it’s me going down and doing jobs for my dad that he can’t due to frailty. Funny how it all comes around.

She sounds lovely and you are lucky to have her

So what should OP say? Hi MIL you can bring me flowers but you must leave immediately afterwards and don’t touch anything? Entitled much

Yanbu She's intruding in your private space despite you asking her not to, and that is not OK. Take her key away.

If you’re anything like me and having surprise intermittent peri-menopause bleeding and occasional urine urge inco, it’s wildly inappropriate for her to be rummaging around in your dirty washing basket whilst you’re out the country. The thought of MiL handling my worn and sometimes horrible knickers, my sweaty running bras with boob sweat on, and my manky PJ’s that have been worn for a night too long would fill me with horror.

My disgustingness is private.

(Likewise, I dare say she’d not like you fondling her mucky under-crackers unbidden either).

This is a definite no from me! Unless she wanted to go round the day before and stocked up the fridge for which we would pay her for - then absolutely she is overstepping!

Only if you are unlucky enough to end up with a DIL like those that mainly only seem to exist on MN

Send her to me you ungrateful lady

I would hate it too and would have to ask her to leave it alone. She’s trying to be nice but at the end of the day it’s your home. I’m a bit like a territorial cat and don’t like people messing with my things.

She's not doing anything harmful and who knows, one day you might miss her terribly? Someone once bought me a book called 'Don't Sweat The Small Stuff' which is a great mantra. She didn't burn down your house or forget to feed your hamster so just take a deep breath and let her 'help' 👍

I was only saying to a friend the other day that I’d have loved to have lived in the era when even the most modest middle class families had a housekeeper and/or a cook and “char”. I find adulting so overwhelming sometimes, I’d love for someone to come in and take the load occasionally! I guess you do often want the opposite of what you have!

Because who wants their MIL rootling through the laundry basket? I'd be cross, myself or take to hiding the laundry somewhere else.

My late mil would drive my mum mad by offering to do a quick wash or run the hoover round when she came to visit. My dm would tell me to take her key off her, as my dm said she wouldn’t dream of doing that in anyone’s house including mine. But I’m glad I didn’t say anything as I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have chemo and radiotherapy my dm was no where to be seen. My dh was attending my treatment with me and my dmil stepped in did school runs washing cleaning cooking shopping. Held me when I was heartbroken at losing my hair. Helped me to bath stripped beds when I wasn’t quick enough to make it to the bathroom and scrubbed the toilet all the time as she didn’t want me to do it. She sadly died just before I went into remission and I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my mum as when it mattered she was the one person who never let me down

I would hate it. Same as you’ve said, I’m really independent and I’d also find it very intrusive!

She sounds lovely🥰 appreciate her and her good intentions. I don't have a mum or mum in law anymore, they're both in heaven. What I'd give to have a person who was a mum to me. Its hard to lose that mother figure.

I’d love it and love her! But my other half is like you and we don’t see eye to eye 😱🤣