AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Ignore the holier than thou posters, OP.

It's amazing to me that the neighbour, whom OP barely knows, is 'shocked' when OP and her family won't rearrange their work/family commitments to drive someone they barely know to hospital every week for 4 weeks ... while at the same time couldn't POSSIBLY ask or expect her own adult children, partner or relatives to do so for her. They get to have 'other commitments/work/family but a neighbour she barely knows doesn't???

Mind boggling.

Yes, that’s right. If I was busy they’d have to find someone else to do the ‘being kind’ that day.

And you fully understand that the situation you outlined would be life-threatening?

YANBU because you are not obliged to do anything and it’s harder to say no if you’ve done a favour before. This might sound like a one off but it’s likely to lead to more requests in the future

If it was doable I would. You never know when you might need your neighbours.

OP is being given a hard time. She said she would help out if the neighbour’s plans fell through at the last minute and she had no other option to get to the hospital. But the neighbour does have other options, is choosing not to use them and seems to bizarrely have a huge expectation for what OP should commit to. I think it’s really odd.

Surely if OP's neighbour was having cancer treatment, then:

a) she would have told OP this to make it harder for OP to say no, and
b) her adult son would been eligible for some compassionate leave from work so he could take her to her appointment.

Do you not think that it's odd that OP's neighbour didn't expect her adult son to take time off work, but expected OP, who she hardly knows, to take time off work to drive her to hospital, a 2-hour round trip, every week for a month?

Not my problem.

In what way IS she in need though? Why cant she just get a taxi?

Honestly, OP, I would have done the same. Myself and DH both work from home and we don't have steady jobs either, we are freelance journalists. We have no employment rights so if we miss a deadline we don't get commissioned again. We also have children and a lot of pets.

We moved from a city centre where the neighbours were really friendly and helpful, so a lot of community spirit, to a rural area with a few neighbours nearby, nearly all retired. I was just as friendly and helpful as I was in my old home, until I realised it was never going to be reciprocated and a couple of our neighbours decided that because I was home all day, I could become the neighbourhood taxi/help. Even though they all drive!

What really made me take a step back was one day a neighbour, who only has one car in her household as they are trying to be environmentally friendly, turned up on my doorstep asking me to drive her to hospital. Her husband had the car that day and she couldn't get in touch with him. She having a bad reaction to the covid vaccine and they had told her to come in. She has bad anxiety and was really freaking out. No bother - DH was able to pick the kids up from school and I could arrange things to work in the evening so I took her. She was asked to go into a regional hospital, not our local one, so it was a three hour round trip.

During the car journey I said she was lucky I had a quiet afternoon. She look very hurt and said, "but this is an emergency." Not for me it isn't! And if I had suffered financially by dissapearing at 2pm on a work day for three hours, do you think the 'community' would rally and pay my bills until I found another job to replace the lost income? I doubt it, as I only see my 'community' when they want something.

So I took a step back and started saying no to lifts everywhere and buying raffle tickets and not inviting people in when they turned up unannounced in the middle of a working day to make me buy said raffle tickets, who would want to make themselves comfortable for a few hours. Oddly enough, my DH has never once been bothered by the neighbours in the 10 years we have lived here. Funny that!

I miss my old neighbours, who were lovely people, who actually fostered friendships with us and who we are still in touch with. Lots of people seem to forget this - if you want community, you have to make the effort to develop genuine relationships. Keeping people at a distance, then asking big favours that are not even an emergency in OP's case, is a red flag for a user. It took me a while to learn that!

My neighbour now has a car of her own since I cut off lifts, so her husband was able to swallow his environmental concerns!

If it was indefinite, you’d have a point. But personally I’d do it if it’s just four weeks. We are friendly with our neighbours and try to help out whenever. And they do the same for us, taking out our bins when we’re on holiday and that sort of thing. Being a good neighbour isn’t just the right thing to do, it’s something that will benefit you as well in the long run.

She must have felt so awkward when you said no, after probably feeling bad for even having to ask. If I were your parents I’d also be disappointed in your lack of kindness.

They take a cab. simple. No further thought or drama

PMSL at how easily the 'mind is blown' of some posters who just simply cannot get their head around a WOMAN saying NO. 😆

my parents wouldn't be disappointed in me - they know we lead busy lives and I'm not a free minicab service for semi-strangers. Indeed, they'd sad I couldn't stand up for myself if I'd say yes. It's not unkind to say no to unreasonable requests politely.

But why, when there is a woman in close proximity to ferry her about?!

#joking obvs! 😆

yes its intersting how using your car is environmentally friendly but the neighbour's owning two cars is not!

Or not 'being kind'! Men don't seem to get bothered in the same way but it seems women still need to be the help meet for every Tom, Dick and Harry.

This. ^ Some of the comments on here are bonkers batshit! 😝

EXACTLY! Men don't have any issue with saying no. Nor do they get guilt tripped for it like women do! #BeKind has done women so much harm!

What really boiled my piss, is that her husband, who is a sanctimonious prick, caught us while out on a dog walk one day and started criticising us for being a two car family (we live nowhere near public transport). "Do you really need your second car? Do you ever use it?" "No, we park it in the living room and sit around and stroke it." AFTER I dropped everything to drive his wife to hospital! I pointed out that us being a two car family really helped them out when they needed it and he wasn't complaining then!

He didn't read the room. He bumped into me in the supermarket the other day and complained that we both travelled from the same place in two different cars and we really should be car pooling. Fuck, no! I know how that is going to work out!

Your passive aggressive 'hope YOU never need anyone' platitude won't work on me. Same message to @Frog1004 and @Birdsofafeatherrr and several others coming out with the same mundane and tedious line! 🙄

As I have said several times, you are deluded if you think that bending over backwards for people (to help them, and wait on them hand and foot, and drive them everywhere, whenever they demand it) is going to result in people doing things for you in return. Won't happen. Rarely does.

And I am speaking from experience. I used to be a mug/a placid wet blanket who was afraid to say no, after being told to #BeKind growing up (as a girl!) I found it got me nowhere. I just got stressed out and frazzled trying to please everyone, as well as trying to hold down a job, look after my own DC, and look after my own elderly parents. And 9 times out of 10, the person/people I helped did NOT return the favour, and were NOT there for me when I needed them. I have NO problem saying no now. Since about the age of 48-50, I have grown a backbone. (Late 50s now.)

But you crack on with your waiting hand and foot on the 'village...' I just hope everyone that you help returns the favour. They won't!

Most people - me included - have said a few times that they will help in an emergency, but like hell am I being used as a private chauffeur/servant, over and over again (especially when the person in question has their own family members to help, but says they can't because they are 'busy' and have work commitments.) So am I - and so do I! Why is their time more important than mine?!

It sounds like a few posters on here need to read the full thread, or at least the OP's ... They are embarrassing themselves with their ludicrous posts!

Finally, you do know that you are allowed to say no don't you? It is OK. You're entitled. You don't have to #BeKind just because you're a WOMAN. As I and several others have said, MEN don't have a problem saying no, nor do they get people trying to guilt trip them for it!

HTH.

Also, PMSL at every street in London has a 'village.' 😆

Anyway, the thread is done now. So at least that's allowing some posters on here to #BeKind and ask their neighbours if they want any favours doing.

.

And that is the end.

I guess we just have different opinions on what is unreasonable. I would absolutely do this for a neighbour I was friendly with, if I was able to without too much difficulty (as OP suggested she could), and I know my husband would be willing to do it too. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for help, and I’m glad I live in a neighbourhood where many of us extend kindnesses like this to each other all the time.

Have a nice afternoon everyone!

I'm not saying refusing to help someone in this situation is fine, but calling a cut off finger life threatening is a bit hyperbolic.