AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

You said this What is it that you would otherwise be "busy" doing?

"Busy" in inverted commas like you have NO idea why the OP couldn't be busy 😂
Working

I've read your posts don't worry!

Reaching out...

The neighbour asked, with a clear expectation her request would be met, OP to do 2 hours of driving (god knows how much longer the actual timeframe involved would be) every week for four weeks - during OP's work hours.

Her own children are working and can't take time off, but this CF clearly expected OP to drop her own work, completely rearrange her meetings schedule, and drive her, despite them having no particular relationship prior. Rather than being understanding, the CF was shocked and walked off without further words. Clearly, it wasn't a request, it was a demand.

This thread is intensely crazymaking, filled with so many saints.

No at times people reach out for help either you want to or you don’t

the op seems to come from a stance of well I don’t ask for help so why should others ask me

just own it

ARE they saints? Or are they the CF type themselves who would expect it, hence why theyre so outraged OP said no

I may have missed it because I'm far too busy to RTFT , but I don't think any of the kind posters have explicitly confirmed that they would genuinely take 2-4 days of annual leave in this situation. Plenty of nonspecific kindness, community, society and deeply saddened feelings though.

Well, they are positing themselves as saints. Probably in reality they don't answer the door and would be horrified if they accidentally did and found a neighbour with a request of any sort on the other side, as then they might have to use their words and they are not capable of using their words...

So, delusional.

Definitely not. That’s a very tall order.

They haven't offered to help, in fact they refused to because of work, which is exactly the same for the OP. But for some reason OP is the villain here

The adult children should be re-arranging their schedules for this. She probably sees you working from home and thinking you’re just home all the time and could easily do it.

YANBU unreasonable at all OP. I think it’s sensible that you prioritise your family, friends, job and yourself before people you hardly know.

I’m sure your neighbour will make it to her appointments via one of the many other options available to her.

Yes, I'd have done it if I could, exactly as requested, once a week for the four weeks. But I'd be wary of extra requests and would start saying no if I felt I was getting taken for granted.
I feel for elderly people though, they are from the post-war generation where everyone helped each other out and were less selfish and more neighbourly.
Also when you get older you can start to lose confidence, and may not be able to cope with things such as arranging an uber, hospital transport (which is not easy from what my patients tell me) etc. So I would probably spend time helping them to learn to do things like that.

It takes seconds to click “See all” on the OP’s post.

A decent type would have murmured something polite, after being refused, no matter how disappointed they were. They would have been slightly abashed for having asked, but acknowledge that they understood why OP couldn't do it (she's working FT from home), and shuffled off to find another solution.

The fact this neighbour was flabbergasted, and rude enough to just turn and leave, suggests she thinks OP is a bit of a mug - probably because OP brings her parcels over to her, as any polite and kind neighbour would - and had assumed OP would just roll over and perhaps be grateful to ferry her about!

Just verifying times

How come she didn't ask your husband instead of you? Maybe women are seen as more likely to say yes.

In an earlier post I mentioned I've known work colleagues ask favours and lifts from female colleagues to avoid having to get their DH off the sofa or 'put him out'

It's always women being asked to help, usually ones busy enough juggling FT work, children, ageing parents and a tonne of other responsibilities. These people I'm thinking of never ask male colleagues for lifts and the like, or the single ones.

My gut would scream at me that something wasnt right Op if someone approached me like that.
I have found that most people in my life who were bold enough to ask for large favours like this (not including family & friends) were people who were looking to taking the piss and use people.

If you could do it without too much difficulty then I would. It’s not like it’s an ongoing commitment, and it would be a kind neighbourly thing to do. And you might be able to call on the favour in future. I think it’s very important to be on good terms with your neighbours.

Which bits were re-imagined?

Did the neighbour explain why her partner and dc couldn’t take her over the next 4 weeks? Or why she can’t take a taxi? And why did she go off in a huff without saying goodbye?

No you have a point.
But in the OP’s case,she did right to say no.
You will have built up relationships with your neighbours over time, and it will be a two way street.
The OP has only been in the house 4 years, and with both full time work, kids and pets have their hands full and isn’t likely to be very familiar with her neighbours except a hello now and again, which she stated.
She will have other family and friends that she will be there for if necessary.
This is just some random CF neighbour she hardly knows, it’s not a “now” emergency that most people would drop tools for.
The CF has family and a partner, has all day every day to organise transport taxis, bus whatever, but is looking for a chauffeur service which baring in mind the brass neck of the neighbour is likely to get the op on the neighbours list of future chauffeur services if she had said yes on this occasion.

Or are you falling into the trap of thinking a woman who works from home isn’t busy? Weird that you put ‘busy’ in inverted commas.

I’ll try not to worry too much, but it is certainly cause for anxiety amongst your nearest and dearest that you say you’ve read my posts yet you have apparently not comprehended the one of 09:18 ("Quite possibly the neighbour just saw that OP doesn’t go out to work and didn’t know or understand about WFH").

By the way, "busy" was in quotes because…it’s a quote (from OP's original post).

The problem with doing it once is that you will be asked again in the future. I have run myself ragged fitting in hospital appointments for my mother recently. I do this because I'm her daughter and she's 90 and cannot go alone. I wouldn't dream of asking her neighbours. Your neighbour is quite capable of getting a taxi. Let's face it her children don't want the hassle and are just hoping a mug of a neighbour will do it instead. You have enough to do. Ignore your parents.

Weird that you haven’t bothered to read my later posts.

"Busy" was in quotes because it was a quote from OP's original post. I hadn’t yet seen that she WFH but wrote about that later.

I think the answer to this is depressingly simple. She knows she would have to pay for an Uber, and was hoping you’d be too embarrassed to ask her petrol money out of “neighbourliness”.

Your later posts don’t explain why you question OP being busy when her first post literally says she is busy with work.