AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Ha ha! 😆Good one!

Even so, he's allowed to say no because he's a MAN. He can say no without repercussions or guilt tripping.

It's only women who are supposed to #BeKind and bend over backwards to help people - anyone who asks, no matter how big the ask or how it stresses her out or inconveniences her. Men can say a big fat firm NO and it's fine. (When men are asked that is, which isn't very often.)

Gobsmacked. It sounds as if she may be going in for cancer treatment and I am sure she wouldn’t have asked if she wasn’t desperate. At least offer up one or two lifts if you couldn’t do them all. This is what is wrong with our society.

I’d have helped if I could 100%, you never know when you may need someone’s help. But if you’ve made your decision that’s up to you. I don’t mind helping if I can

It wasn't possible due to "timings" - ie, the OP works fulltime from home.

Maybe the neighbour should have foreseen that she’d need a village one day and cultivated a friendship with OP, and been more thoughtful about not waiting for OP drop off her parcels for her and saying bye

Why shouldn’t OP expect her friends and family to help her? Do you know something she doesn’t?

Oh you reckon she was desperate do ya? And yet somehow, despite her seemingly being 'desperate,' her own FAMILY can't be arsed to put themselves out to take her! She expects a random neighbour who she hardly has anything to do with to take her though, using annual leave from work, and having to fuel her car!

And to add insult to injury, when the OP said no which she was ENTITLED to do, the woman got arsey with her. LOL! How very DARE a woman not 'BeKind?! LMFAO!😆

It seems really odd that she asked you to be honest, given that the sole extent of your interactions so far have been a cheery wave and morning/evening!
My Mum is in her 70’s and has a lot of medical appointments, if we are free we take her but if not I expect her to get a taxi or a bus.
My Mum wouldn’t ask a random neighbour for a lift, although sometimes she is put out when I won’t do it due other commitments despite the fact she can well afford a taxi. In our case Mum says a taxi is too expensive but if I point out my time is worth more than the taxi by the time I’ve had to re-arrange work, school drops off etc she will usually pay for one.
I consider myself pretty neighbourly, will take in parcels, feed cats when people are away, bring in/put out bins etc but I wouldn’t drive a neighbour to a hospital appointment an hour away, I would if it was closer and I was free without having to move things, but the chances of me having a slot of 2 hours for the round trip that isn’t used by something for my own family would be slim.
I worked for a charity helping people within the local community, part of that was organising drivers to take people to medical appointments etc
I remember a lady coming in asking if we covered transport to a particular hospital, we did and it was approx £100 round trip. She booked it despite the fact her Son who lived in a different part of the country had said he would take time off work and stay a few days to take her. She didn’t want to encroach on his time and resulting travel time/expenses, she didn’t ask a nearer neighbour etc she organised an appropriate alternative.
If your neighbour has children that are willing to pick her up, they could arrange time off for one of them to take her, other peoples children obviously do. If they don’t want to and their Mum can’t afford a taxi then they could club together and pay.
Im all for it takes a village, but asking a near total stranger for this is random, unless she believes you are more friendly then you do.

Don't be bloody daft...OP is no way obliged to use annual leave for possibly a 3hour+ round trip for a neighbour she hardly knows when her own family, friends cannot be arsed

I don't want 'a village' thank you very much. A 'village' is nothing more than women being expected to wait on and run around after other people, and look after other peoples children. Coz you don't think the MEN are doing it do ya? You're deluded if you think that.

With this 'it takes a village' mindset that has no place in the 2020s (because so many women work,) you find people feel entitled to your time.. Neighbours, friends, or extended family expect you to provide free labour, childcare, or favours without your consent. Including women being volunteered for things with being asked.

In some cases (with some,) the "village" only operates when they need support, but disappears when you ask for help in return...

100% guarantee this woman would never do anything for the OP. I also bet the adult children of this cheeky fecker neighbour are sons. This 'outsource the labour to the nearest/most convenient woman' attitude does my fecking head in!

AIBU or does it seem that we all say we don't have a village anymore then are flabbergasted when people ask for help.

She is nbu to ask.

You were nbu to say no. Your reasons were valid.

She wbu to storm off and not say something like 'ok well thanks anyway.'

You wbu to moan about it.

The end.

This!

I think the only way that you have been unreasonable OP is in saying that you could do it relatively easily.

Yes in theory you could rearrange your work, take annual leave, miss out on time with the kids, but that would be a big ask. You would do it if it were your mum because that would be a sacrifice that would need to be made, but if still wouldn't be that easy looking at everything you've got going on.

I do quite a lot for my neighbours. I do most for the neighbours I know best, but I still do some favours for neighbours who I don't know (eg I helped a neighbour who I had never met fill out a benefits application which took about 2 hours because I heard she needed help and I had the time and skills to do it), but I couldn't give up my work time weekly to taxi neighbours to hospital.

See my post above yours. ^ 'It takes A Village' is a load of outdated old parp, that does nothing more than coerce and use women for free labour. I don't want a 'village' thank you. A 'village' is a load of old cobblers in the 21st century!

it could equally be physiotherapy, a falls clinic or loads of other things. Stop reaching.

TBF 99% of people asking AIBU are firm in their belief that they are not. As to the OP...if your neighbour has public transport handy and isn't mobility impaired then they are being unreasonable. I've been getting myself to a regular parade of cancer treatment all over London for the last 6 years. It does you good to stay mobile and self reliant.

There's a village on every street in London. Hope you are never in need..not your neighbours.

My mum was the same about getting taxis,she would just refuse to get a cab anywhere but would go and ask her neighbours who had cars to drop her places.I kept telling her that is was cheeky plus she didn’t even give them any petrol money as she seemed to think they were well off as they had a car in the first place! I wish they had refused tbh as it would have made her less entitled

And who defined a village as code for some only helping ?

In an emergency if a neighbour knocked on my door with their finger cut off or something, and asked for a lift to A&E I would if I wasn’t busy. In this situation she can get a taxi or a bus so it would be a no from me even if I wasn’t busy at that time. If you do it she’ll be asking for favours all the time.

There seems to be a lot of help all neighbours versus help none thinking on this thread. I think it really depends on the particular neighbour. I'm friendly to all of mine but absolutely not every one would I want a friendship with or help out. I've had some really nasty neighbours in the past - If someone rudely flounced off just because I hadn't been able to do 4 x 2 hour roundtrips in the middle of work, I would be keeping a distance from them in future. Not everyone is suitable to be in your village just because they live nearby.

We never know when we might need a strangers help.

If a neighbour cut their finger off in an emergency situation, you would help if you weren't busy? What a saint!

The OP asked a question and I answered what I would do and why. I don't expect everyone to do the same as me, neither are they obligated to. I also didn't check which gender OP was. I like to help people and in return I have recieved help. But I dont help people expecting something back. I do it because I want to be a kind and caring part of my community. Do I think people need to go out of there way to help if they don't want to? Of course I don't! Its your choice. But if you ever find yourself needing help, don't be suprised if you can't find anyone on your side.

THIS
If they'd approached you by being VERY understanding that you may not be able to help, and with a good reason to why other (taxis, buses) options were not doable, then personally I would do my very best to help.
However the situation you described, no - you already have a lot going and she has an adult child who could help - they can take annual leave or move their own schedules or worst case, arrange a taxi.
She barely knows you, yet gets huffy when you said no? Cheeky. And probably the type of person who will come again to ask more favours.