AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Did she spare a thought for what was happening in my life? No. We are actually dealing with quite a lot at the moment. She didn’t even ask how we all were. She talked about the weather, commented on my car looking shiny and then launched into her request. I said no because of work, kids and life being very busy and she walked off. When you are asking for a favour, especially from someone you aren’t close to, it helps to be polite.

Exactly, @IGotDreams, and as mentioned before, the fact that she asked you to cover all four appointments rather than an occasional one her family couldn't do suggests she may have been lining you up for god knows what

I had to smile, though, about your inbox being empty of those who insisted they'd try to help if you lived locally. It's so very easy to hammer away, virtue signalling and insisting what everyone else should be doing, and obviously a temptation some can't resist

But would you do it? Take 2 hours out of your working day for 4 weeks for someone you barely know?

MNers are incredibly generous with other people’s time

You’ve already said it’s possible to get there using public transport so why doesn’t she just use that? I wouldn’t dream of asking an acquaintance for regular lifts if public transport is a viable solution.

Wow! This has turned into a long thread.
I haven't read it all but I've read all of OP's posts.
I agree with you entirely. It's too much of an imposition for someone you barely know. She's being cheeky for asking and expecting you to take two hours out of your busy day. She was rude to you when you said you couldn't. She has family and friends. Her family can't interrupt their working day but it's ok for you to? I don't think so.

Ah, that favourite MN word, "boundaries"…

You're being such a wassock on this thread.

Not just on this thread, one imagines…

I was attempting diplomacy 😘

I never really understood the purpose of threads like this. The OP decided not to help someone who asked. She is adamant that her decision is right and that she wouldn’t have provided the help, even if the hospital was only a few minutes away. She has emphasised that she is not going to change her mind. She has doubled down on this with every post, continuing to justify her decision. Not one word she has said suggests that she understands why anyone else would bother to help. She is right and that’s that.

In your circumstance I wouldn’t give her a lift OP. You are working - you cannot take a minimum 2 hour break from work to drive to the hospital. If you needed to do this for yourself/ DH/ kids that would be a push also - but to do it for a neighbour toy barely know is just a flat no. She may have been entitled to ask (as cheeky as she was) but you are also entitled to say no and for her to politely accept that. Getting by a taxi to a medical appointment isn’t that big of a deal - she should be fit and well enough to do it- it maybe would be different if she wasn’t getting a taxi back afterwards if she was feeling unwell but it’s for her to sort out those logistics not you.

Oooh, I like the word "wassock"! Makes me think of Tunnoch's tea cakes.

Sorry (not) that some people don’t like being disagreed with.

It's difficult, because it's nice to be helpful but also some people take an inch and it becomes a mile. Who knows if they would have expected further help for other things because you agreed this one time? So it's a tough one.
Didthe neighbour mention any kind of payment? I think that was their motive, maybe to get a free lift instead of catching a taxi.
However cheaper public transport options like busses are also available, unless they are disabled or something, there is no reason why they can't take the cheaper option of a bus.

Another batshit thread🙄

OP, yanbu at all.
Your neighbour is cheeky, to put it mildly.

Her children are busy, you wfh, and she thinks she can inconvenience you for 4 weeks.

Not a chance i would entertain this.

We had an elderly neighbour with 5 children.
When her husband died she mentioned my husband cutting her grass as we have large gardens.

I said to her "surely one of your 5 children can do it" and she replied "they are so busy".

I told her "my husband is actually very busy too".

The absolute cheek of her.
I kept my distance going forward.

She had 5 children in and out of the house but thought my husband with 3 young children had time.

I think she thinks it far easier to try an rope in a useful neighbour.

Well done on being firm.
I am over 60 and wouldn't dream of asking a neighbour that is little more than an acquaintance.

Oh and clearly your parents have no idea just how busy your life is with young children and two full-time jobs.
Watch them too!

Exactly why would the neighbors children / child pay?! The neighbour can pay herself

Im confused about why the OP is expected to research patient transport, agsin the neighbour can do that herself. Especially after the neighbour basically flounced off after being told no about the lifts

OP has her own life with plenty of other commitments

I thought the neighbour was 75+ ! I am older than said neighbor and what a cheek. Yes she is quite capable of ringing a taxi or telling her son you have to take me and take time off work

Half day every week for 4 weeks is a cheek to even think someone would do it for you!

I do lots for other people but it tends to be close family and friends not a neighbour I barely know

Or to put it another way, why would any decent woman expect to have any significant aspects to her life other than work, childcare and charity work?

But she is right! But also taken aback by her parents bonkers perspective

It has been very entertaining though. All these people who would jump at the chance to take 2+ hours, for 4 weeks, out of their already busy working day to take someone they don't know well to an appointment when their adult child is already going that way!

How is collecting a newspaper comparable to a two hour (minimum) round trip?

Depends on circumstances. If it was my day off then I would do it. If I had to rearrange my work I wouldn't. I would only do that for my mum and tbh I don't think my work would be impressed about me doing it either! It's exhausting having children and two parents working and we feel stretched pretty thin in terms of time.

I live in a city though and getting to hospitals is easy. If there was literally no public transport or taxis available in the locality I would consider helping for 1 or 2 though despite the above. Presumably if she had asked me she would be desperate.

If I asked a neighbour a favour and they said no Id apologise for asking. Id say I fully understood and make some small talk to diffuse the situation before leaving as friends.
This woman decided to rudely strop off home as if she was entitled to help which tells me everything I need to know about her.

Lol! Suggesting that posters read all the OP's posts before commenting and making a fool of themselves is hardly trying (and failing) to be threatening.

You said you could do it ‘without too much difficulty’ but chose not to. That’s your choice.

But I hope you don’t ever find yourself in the same situation, needing help but someone who can help you, chooses not to.

I never understand why so many posters think an OP should bow to the opinions of those who disagree with her. So what if OP knows she’s right? She is still entitled to thrash out opinions and also get the support of those who agree with her.

I think it’s better women are able to say no to things they don’t want to do rather than say yes for fear for being seen as unkind by strangers.