AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Quite ! I mean a 2 hr round trip is quite the ask. The neighbour didn't explain aby detail on circumstances either eg if she was desperate she could have explained why her adult DC or partner were unable to rearrange their diaries to help and why she's now asking OP. No, she just asked if OP could do it and when OP said no she just walked off.
OP has a finite amount of time in her life to accommodate other people's needs eg friends, family etc. A regular 2 hr commitment for someone you don't know at all well is a big ask. A one off emergency, of course most of us would help if we could. But that's different to a planned 2hr weekly commitment that clashes with work !!!

I’m stunned she asked. Surely she has friends and other family. I don’t know my neighbours well but I can’t even imagine them asking tbh! Uber?!

Yes I would have helped if I could do so relatively easily. But I don't see neighbours as people who just happen to live next door, our community is important to us and many are helpful with my child. Ifi didn't consider my neighbours as community then I wouldn't. I don't think you're wrong, you just have a different view of community to your parents - for you it's friends and family, for them it probably extends a bit further.

I would, because our local hospital is about 10 minutes from my work so if I could take her when I go to work it would be a very minor inconvenience for me. If these exact circumstances don't apply to you YANBU 😊

It's difficult, because it's nice to be helpful but also some people take an inch and it becomes a mile

Spot on, @MissyPants, and some of us have learned this the hard way

I do volunteer visiting for the visually impaired, and it all got too much with one lady who piled the work on because she "didn't want to bother her son" who lived barely a mile away
This ended - as did the visits - when she called at just gone 12 midnight, insisting hat me exH should come to fix something I wouldn't be strong enough to do, but I did recognise that this was partly my fault for being too much of a pushover before

So let me get this straight. You say you could do it without too much bother. But don’t want to as you don’t know her that well. What a world we live in with people like you

You sound super pleasant to live next door too…. Not

Honestly I dont think id do it even for a 60 year old family member unless there was a back story like needing someone with them for the actual appointment. If its just literally to chauffeur them then why can't they just get a taxi or public transport rather than expecting ANYONE to take 4 seperate occasions off work, let alone for someone i barely know

So many posters making assumptions so I'll make some too. I think she's just being entitled, sees that you're 'home all day' and is too tight to pay for her own transport. If her situation really were dire then she would have explained the circumstances rather that act rudely and stride off.

A 2 hour round trip! That's outrageous.

For all those who commit to "kindness" you do it then! I had years with my DGM volunteering me or expecting me to run around after her because somehow I had more time being a single parent living with just my child that my cousins did with their wives and in-laws helping.

I've found out these past 2 years that once you stop being useful to people they don't check on you, offer to help me or even wonder how you are.

So no.

But she doesn’t need help. There is public transport and Ubers.

My mind is blown that anyone who COULD help, wouldn’t do so. Just because “you” have friends/ family to help YOU out, when you need it, doesn’t mean that everyone is so lucky. One day, you might be in need yourself.

And you crack on with 'being kind' and letting people use you, and I will be a woman who has boundaries, and is not afraid to say NO.

As for your comment about which generations use the site. LOL. It's ALL generations. So your argument falls rather short there my dear.

.

No, I wouldn't do that either. Before you know it, you'd be asked to do loads more.

Exactly. Give these people an inch and they will take a mile!

Is 60 the new hundred? Because I am absolutely not ready to be patronised as a little old lady. It's absolutely ridiculous.

YANBU. I in my 40s, had a lot of health issues and am disabled. I would NEVER expect my neighbours to transport me to and from a hospital appointment. Even in an emergency, I would expect them to help (as I have done for them in the past, one broke her hip and i stayed with her over an hour with blankets etc) but it would be 999 called.

All hospitals can and do arrange transport. There is almost always suitable public transport as well. I myself use uber or taxi which is cheap and effective. I've even used it to go to A&E very seriously unwell when time was crucial as so much quicker than ambulance.

Hospital appointments can and do overrun and shift around and get delayed on the day. Arranging lifts imo is asking for trouble for everyone. Down the line it also means they will likely ask more and you'll also get this entitled reaction. I honestly find it very rude.

If the neighbour is worried about being looked after when she is there - and I do understand that but I've personally never had an appointment where nurses and healthcare assistants weren't also around and happy to help. Even just going once she would soon see that she'll be well looked after if its outpatients (a& e and wards are a different story! You definately need an advocate sometimes there)

Yes apparently we would be too nervous to book a taxi but we would rather have awkward conversation with a neighbour we don't know then sit in silence in a taxi

Yes I would have helped. Everyone wants a village but nobody wants to be a villager. However, if it wasn't possible due to timings then I'd have to explain this. You aren't obligated to help but in future if you need help, don't expect someone to be there for you.

YANBU

This is a very cheeky ask. I would not ask my neighbours this. Very telling that they assumed you would be delighted to help then walked away without saying anything. Very rude of them.

They could get a taxi or Uber.

There's a random bloke across the road. We say hi to each other. Nothing more. Maybe I should ask him to landscape my garden. I didn't realise you could just do this and people will call him a selfish prick if he says no.

And family. The neighbour doesn't want to bother her family because they are soooo busy with commitments including work, but she expects the OP to do it, who is ALSO busy with commitments (including children) and work.

And as I've said a couple of times, the passive aggressive and immature 'wait til YOU need help, I wonder if they will be so keen to help YOU' type comments are laughable. Again, (as I said before,) you're deluded if you think that everyone you help is going to return the favour when YOU need it. Users and cheeky feckers - like the OP's neighbour - NEVER return the favour. They're all take take take!

Also, people think I am free because I WFH. I work 10 hours a day and have meetings between 9am and 6pm. I might be in the house and look available. I am not.

Completely agree.

Her own children aren't available or she doesn't wish to bother them, her partner or even a friend.

She goes to an acquaintance neighbour with young children to ask and then flounces off.

OP, I hope you have the measure of her now.
I'd be very wary of her.

That's a bit cheeky in my opinion, especially as you don't know them well. They have adult children who need to step up and move stuff around. Failing that, there are taxis. You'll be doing hospital trips for your own parents/in laws when they are older.