AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

I’ve said YANBU because I’m busy too. I think there’s a theory that if you want something done then ask a busy person and they will find a way to squeeze it in. I’d really rather they didn’t as saying no often offends.

Theres a lot of volunteering schemes where folk will drive people to hospital for mileage costs. Surely thst would make more sense?

If I could help without too much upheaval I would do. It’s what you do, even if you don’t know a neighbour well.

If I was free, and the hospital was local, then I would. However, if I was working, or had other commitments, then I wouldn’t .

it is a bit presumptive to assume you will do this as the drop of the hat, or at least, they can ask, but shouldn’t be offended if you decline.

Why would their kids need to pay?

I wouldn’t ask neighbours for favours. If I didn’t have anyone, I’d pay, like we have when we’ve been stuck in the past.

Why on earth would you say no?

That is cheeky! Her adult kids should be seeking time off to take her in a rota rather than expect a neighbour she doesn't know that well to move her working schedule around to accommodate her. Unless she told them they didn't have to worry and that you'd do it.

Shall I tell her you’ll do it Kate? She will be pleased. 😂

This sounds just like MIL! A one off, I might give a lift but certainly wouldn't be tying myself into a regular taxi service. There are multiple options:

-Her adult child re-arranges their work schedule
-I'm assuming the neighbour doesn't drive?
-Asks another relative or an actual friend rather than a neighbour they barely know
-Gets a taxi/uber
-Public transport
-Locally we have a hospital hopper, free for pensioners, which picks up at multiple locations going to/from the hospitals all day
-Local volunteer groups which drive people to/from appointments
-If its regular treatment, the hospital 'might' have a volunteer scheme or transport available

I'm in the UK but my mum is abroad, widowed and needing regular medical appointments. Somehow, she manages with a combinations of similar things to the above options.

Because OP has to work and the neighbour has perfectly capable adult DC to help her?

Fair enough. In our little cul de sac of four houses people bring each other’s bins in each week, take in parcels, I fed next door’s cat when they got married abroad ( and they never asked since as their usual friend, who was away at the wedding, could do it). Next door picked me up from the station once when I was sick and DH was away. And no, there is no public transport to our village on a Sunday.

Mostly unasked for little acts of neighbourliness which makes the world tick along.

The NHS Patient Transport Service is free for those people that can’t access public or private transport to get to their non emergency appointments.

Context is everything.

Not sure why she asked you - do you work from home/the hospital is a short drive away et etc

How old is she - does she live on her own ?

How was she “rude/shocked”

or is she being cheeky - we can’t possibly know

If I could have accommodated the first week in my schedule I probably would have said yes and then made a decision about the other weeks depending on circumstances

I had to go to a colonoscopy and endoscopy Appt a few years ago when my DH was away , I am capable of booking a taxi (live rurally and there were no bus/train options to get there) but I asked my neighbour opposite if she was around on x day and would she be able to give me a lift to the hospital (I got a taxi back)

when I was having my radiotherapy DH took me but if he hadn’t been available I would have asked my neighbour or booked a minicab (I look after neighbours house when she goes away - she is retired)

I think it is a bit cheeky of her if she has adult dc who's working time she respected but not yours.

I am guessing your parents are retired. It is easy for them to say what they would do in your position when they are not juggling multiple things.

You are being perfectly reasonable. You are a busy parent. She can get a taxi. I don’t know why you’re getting such a beating on here.

@CurlewKate Why on earth would you say Yes?

Just because you live near them doesn't mean anything. OP is clear that their relationship is only polite, nothing more.

I think No is the best option, otherwise expectations start to be created, for no good reason.

She can get a taxi, something older people should be doing more rather than asking others for favours.

If it was convenient then I’d probably have said yes. It’s not like you’re taking them to the pub or the casino. Four hospital appointments in 4 weeks is probably for something fairly serious. I know there’s public transport and Ubers but my parents would have struggled with public transport (it would be a 20 minute walk and two buses) and wouldn’t know how to use Ubers.

Not sure why have bothered asking as you won't be changing your mind anyway so what does it matter what other people think, or would do?

But I absolutely would have helped. But we live in an area where everyone helps each other out often.

Lets hope you don't need their help with something one day and karma comes back to bite you on the ass.

You say you COULD have helped, but have chosen not to. Kindness costs nothing and sometimes we put ourselves out for other people.

I wouldnt want to make 4 week commitment. I wouldn't mind as a one off but it would have to fit into my day.

Tell your mum she’s free to help the neighbour.

A one off if knew neigbour very well though we don't drive so wouldn't get asked.

However there are other options taxi, uber, hopsital transport or public transport. All of which we've had to use ourselves.

Dmum has lost confidence and often wants people with her getting taxi or uber- neighbour offered lifts in past but it's usually one of us but she wouldn't ask and assume like this.

My non-driving IL who can be cheaky with lifts - though TBF they do a lot for others - would only ask if knew neigbour really well and it was likely they could - otherwise they find other options.

This.

DH and I help out a couple of elderly neighbours with lifts to appointments and shops. Not every week but quite often. They are alone and we've sort of befriended them, I think they are quite lonely. But if we're busy and can't, they get a taxi.

Maybe your neighbour thought that because you're friendly and chat etc that you are actually friends. I don't think it was necessarily cheeky to ask but I don't think you're unreasonable to say no if you're not able to.

So basically you asked AIBU but think you are not. Why ask if every opinion you have you argue against??

You're within your rights to refuse anything you don't want to do, including favours for neighbours, I think you sound a bit cold, and my instinct is that I might have said yes to something I could help with for 4 weeks - a finite amount of time not open ended.
We don't know the full story though obvs, and I'd understand you not wanting to be taken advantage of. I think it's a bit odd if she was huffy when you said no.

I would have taken her but I don’t mind putting myself out for people in general, if I can I will. I find it comes back to you .. some people are very hard , I can’t imagine having the balls to give a flat no to all , as I can’t imagine it was easy for her to ask. But you are right , you don’t “owe” her anything