AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

You’re not being unreasonable, you just have to learn from this and understand it’s not like your childhood

No curfew but you could explain that you wait up for them so can they be in by midnight while they are staying with you, and wait until they're at uni to be out half the night.

Other than one who got married, I can't seem to get rid of them in their 20s and they like living at home, so I think we're doing just fine. They don't get drunk, so I've never had drunken giggling.

So a midnight curfew !

No, a request to consider their mum's feelings while they live with her. She can't make them do anything but she can negotiate.

When I was 18 I stayed out alll night and half of Sunday sometimes as long as I text and let my Mum know I was actually alive that was ok.

frequently rolled out of a taxi Sunday afternoon in last nights clothes LOL.

5am is reasonable aslong as they try not to make too much noise (My mum would laugh at me writing this as I made plenty of noise!)

I appreciate as a Mum its hard not to worry though!

I think 5am is a bit late maybe 2/3am but also they are under your roof so should abide by your rules!

Also I don’t think it’s possible to stay up that late without potentially taking drugs so maybe that a conversation to be had

Omg are you honestly joking? Loads of young ones stay up to that time drinking and not drinking, my son stayed up to them during Covid, he certainly wasn’t taking drugs, Jesus Christ

Are you for real?

I was a "good" teenager - worked hard at sixth form; highest grades; group of polite, respectful friends; strong relationship with my family - and still rolled in at 4/5am some nights.

No drugs involved, just club hopping until close, a takeaway and a taxi home.

We're not talking about a jolly to a pub that kicks out at midnight; these are night clubs. The clue is in the name. They are meant to be attended over night.

The first and only time dd went out clubbing whilst at home was the same day I came out of hospital after several weeks so was a bit relying on her to help me the next day. Was happy for her to have got out and had fun though.

They got dropped off by friends parent in town gone 11 and got back gone 4. I didn't sleep a wink until she got home, but that's on me.

So glad she went though as much preferred her going with a trusted friend from home before uni. She's not the going out partying type but goes out occasionally at uni and I feel better knowing she had that tiny bit of experience before going.

If it was a regular thing, I'd be setting expectations, not a curfew as can see you are doing so out of care.

That is madness?

You need to cut back on your drug use.

I sometimes stay up until 3 am partying even now and I’m 50! Never taken an illegal drug in my life!

Exactly. I can’t imagine not being able to sit up with friends half the night just enjoying yourself without having to take drugs. And I love an early night normally.

Thanks all!
You'll be pleased to know the girls have been set free albeit with a long list of accompanying rules. it never crossed my mind that some have a problem with being woken up. I sleep extremely lightly so I wake very easily and don't mind that.

But this thing about 18 year olds being adults though. They may be legally adults but they have only just become adults in reality (compared to a 30 year old for example). They're just learning to access medical services, deal properly with money, live alone, most of which is done at uni. They haven't had adult experiences, responsibilities or consequences yet so I think it's okay to go slow with an 18 year old.

Someone said people can't stay up till 5 without taking drugs, even i don't believe that! I'd stay up chatting on the phone or watching movies till 5am in those days! No drugs involved.

Aww good result op! These days they have phones so can call for help far easier than we could.

I think the main thing is to have a solid group of friends. Both mine have a lovely strong group they would not let one be left alone or vulnerable. One of DDs friends did have MH challenges got very drunk and wandered off one of the lads in the group found her and took her home.

She went into a club the other girls couldn’t get into 🙈. The girls were worried about her so an over 18 friend went and got her.

When a girl got very drunk at dd1s party the teens rang her mum of their own accord to come and get her.

An excellent summary!

I am the same with mine, no curfew, stay together,
don’t become inebriated, the usual alerts, allowing them to go off and
have a good time, let off steam with friends who they will lose the closeness
to when they all disperse in late September to different universities.
Keeping a tight lid on them now means that as soon as they are in Manchester
Bristol, London, wherever, they will be let loose and wild, whereas this way
their behavioural transition will be more tempered. Theoretically.

Also and off subject, OP, teach them basic cooking skills involving nutritional
values, speed, cleaning up after them, so they can at least cook basics like scrambled egg, baked potatoes, pasta. Ditto washing machine symbols.

Life skills, like keeping safe when out being young adults.

Right call OP.

If they're off to uni, it's a good idea for them to get some experience of big nights out before they go, with friends they know well because if they want to go clubbing now then they will be doing it in a few weeks' time at uni.

And tbh I'd much prefer them to all come home together when the club shuts, than mine be leaving early on their own. I've absolutely drummed it into them to stay together (that and to keep hold of their drink at all times, not accept drinks from strangers etc)

I absolutely loved going clubbing with my friends at that age and would regularly roll home gone 3am (most of the clubs shut at 3 back then) Happy days!

Of course it is! Being young and having energy we just don’t have as we get older. Mine stays in the clubs until 4am, gets food, wanders off for a taxi…they don’t even drink that much, on to soft drinks by midnight. No different to when I was that age.

You're up pretty late (presuming you are in the UK), what's your secret?

I agree that they are still on a learning curve with adulting - accessing medical services etc. But I tackle this by helping them learn not by banning them from things. This stuff is easier to learn when you're not all by yourself in a new city. Before mine went away I made sure she had made, and been to, a Dr appt & haircut by herself, taken control of her phone contract, learned to use a washing machine, ordered an Uber herself not just sat in one her friend ordered. These are all "doing" things, not things to shield them from until they go to uni.

Hard, hard disagree with you on the drugs. I've pulled many an all-nighter myself. Your assumption is wild.

No curfew. I think its incredibly selfish for parents to impose one just so they can sleep because otherwise they stay awake worrying. What kind of example are they setting, making everyone suffer for their anxieties and guilt tripping kids for wanting to have fun. Only condition I would have is to stay in touch if there is a change of plan. And not to hesitate to phone if anything goes wrong. Local clubs finish 2 or 2.30 so DS should be home between 3 or 3.30, if he is later then I'll want to know why or where he is. Of course he could be lying to me but a quick msg to say he is going to a house at X approx address would be fair enough. When we were on hols kids didn't go out til midnight and came home 4 or 5 but again we knew that was the norm there and he usually measaged around 2.30 with an update. If he didn't come home at all with no update I'd be furious.

Well done @Letfree. And I agree on the learning curve. I push my younger teens to do things themselves as much as possible but I agree by 18 they are not there yet. But in reality the sequence of learning life skills will go from managing alcohol or navigating drunk people and night time safety long before doing tax returns or understanding electricity bills. If you aren't having fun and going dancing at 18 it's a shame because you won't be doing it at 35.

They're adults, you cannot give them a curfew. They can move out and get married if they want too. It's none of your business. That's all you can do now is give them advise.