AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

So if your daughter is at home until, say, 30 - not unusual in today’s climate - will she still have a curfew?!

Most are over 18 and always have been

Oh bless you. Mine didn’t/don't have a curfew (they’re a bit older than your girls) but I did have a rule that they let me know if plans changed and they were staying with friends instead, or if I was expecting them at say 11pm and then they decided to head into town or something. Just a text. Even if I was asleep, I’d see it in the morning. That was about it though.

Yeah if they want to stay until 5am it should be the group or at least split into smaller groups but never by yourself. That is the way I was brought up.

If they can vote, they can come home at what time they like.

I genuinely do feel for you, it is so hard letting go but unless you both have a very dependent relationship where your DD doesnt actually want to grow up and go out into the world and she wants to stay cocooned then you really are in for a world of upset when she does start to challenge you on this. I just hope she just doesnt have her opportunities in life limited if she does decide to cut the apron strings before she should have needed to.

Welcome to the nightmare world of having young adult kids OP!

There are no “rules” as such. Some parents seem able to impose a curfew, and their kids adhere to it, but I’ve never been able to. DS (now 20) wants to do what his friends are doing, and if that means staying out till 5am, then that’s what he wants to do. It would feel wrong for me to insist he comes home hours earlier. I have conditions of course - he has to be quiet when he comes in, lock up of course, not crash around making food etc.

Obviously I have a cut off time for giving lifts. If he wants me to pick him up from somewhere then I’ll only do that up to about midnight (or earlier if I’m tired), so after that he has to pay for a taxi.

It’s not fun. I still don’t sleep well when he’s out. And actually I sleep better when he’s away at uni compared to when he’s out at home, because I’m not expecting him back.

No it's OK, she does plenty and goes out plenty. She works, goes to college, is learning to drive, has a boyfriend and a friend group, goes out to all different places day and night, has sleepovers, goes on holiday etc. I just have house rules and she just doesn't get to take the piss, don't worry I don't lock her in a box 😂

Another lone parent here. As others have said - no curfew here at 18, just be respectful that people are sleeping when you get in, stay with your friends when out, and always let me know if plans change so I don’t worry… plus ‘if you are working the next day then you already know it’s not a good idea to stay out too late’ etc. They will take this advice or not.

My 18 year old is currently away travelling in South America with friends as could yours be if she wanted to. What would you do then?

There is no point going to a club that gets going at 12 if they have to be home by then.

I do understand that this is a different type of parenting but I would assume you have been gradually loosening the reins for the last couple of years? We are more like friends now with one friend relying on the other way more than the other for cooking, advice and sorting out life problems!

So how do you cope with not sleeping at all until shes home safe when shes away on holiday and stays out overnight (sorry I can't use "sleepover" when talking about an adult woman 😂).

No curfews here. But we do have a rule that they have to send a WhatsApp to tell me they're home safe. If I don't see one in the morning when I wake up, then I go in to their room to check for myself.

I've only had to check myself twice. Now they always remember to WhatsApp.

Just to add..no I wouldn’t be ok with her just coming back the next day without me knowing what she was up to.

i thought it was a teenage rite of passage. Sneaking in when every stair sounds like an elephant is treading on it. Tiptoeing past your parent’s room to here your dad say ‘what time do you think this is young lady’ 😂

I've got an 18y/o who's just finished exams. The only thing I ask is that he locks the front door and doesn't wake me up. And maybe to drop me a message if he goes out so I don't worry, but I don't mind if he forgets. He'll be away at uni soon and I won't know what he's up to anyway.

I find “curfews” on adults quite sinister. Especially girls. Afghanistan vibes.

I would say 3 am seems reasonable, however encourage them to make sensible decisions themselves as they need to learn empowerment rather than rebellion. Also worth considering they are fact still kids in terms of brain development till 25, so they do need to have that closeness and connection with their parent(s) to help them consider their actions and how to stay safe particularly as a female and to enable them to make good choices while they are out so they keep safe. I told my mum nothing as I knew she’d go mad about anything and everything which just makes things much worse.

I've had three teenagers. The first one stretched my boundaries even at 15.
Best thing to do at 18 is to not set a curfew but rules about no one coming back with them without permission and being quiet when they entre the house. I would also arrange for a safe word or sentence so that if they ever get in a position where they are not comfortable they can call you and say the safe phrase so you know to go get them immediately.

Personally I would want a text when they are leaving the nightclub telling me how they are getting home, ie a picture of the taxi/uber licence plate and the licence the driver has to display. Then I would allow them to come home whenever, I would also want a text if they are changing plans and going to someone else’s home, with an address. Just because of the whole Worbouys situation.

Also there would be merry hell if they woke me up coming in. I need my sleep.

Seeing as Labour want to allow 16 year olds to vote, how does that sit with that comment? 😀

my Parents said midnight during the week (mostly so we didn’t wake them up) but nothing on the weekend! Was mostly always about us being loud or cooking at 4am though 😂

I can’t imagine having a curfew for my 18 year old or telling them they need to move out if they come home late and I might wake up, to me it’s part of having kids the way they woke you when they were little, obviously they need to try to be respectful but I would never tell them to move out or be back for midnight, I love that they’re having fun and feeling like this is their home

This is lovely! Me too, I miss those days but it’s lovely seeing them all go out into the world.

I leave the porch light on because ds is very quiet coming home so I don't always hear him. The light can be seen faintly in our bedroom so when it goes off I know he's home. Never had a curfew because I trust him and he's an always been sensible. You definitely shouldn't be giving an adult a curfew.

Exactly. But then again this is a website where plenty of grown women want to restrict their husbands because they “can’t sleep alone”.

Also had an 18 year girl go off backpacking with a pal independently to an edgy part of the world so my sympathy for those anxious about their offspring in a local club is limited!