AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

I had a curfew till I moved out and it was part of the reason I was out so fast. I love my mum btw there’s no bad blood there but when she said the words “home by 1AM” I upped my hours and started looking that same day 😭.

Just because she understands it doesn’t make it fair. If she upped and moved out with a boyfriend tomorrow, how would you feel if he gave her a “curfew” it would be deemed as controlling. As long as she is respectful pf the home whats the issue?

I understand you worry, all parents worry about their children for a lifetime but you have to unclench. My stepmum recently told me she found it so incredibly hard when I moved out because she had no idea where I was or if I was okay, she never let on to me though because she knew I was a young adult and it was none of her business.

Nope she's absolutely fine with it. Same applies with boys, obviously doesn't expect to be out all hours of the morning with. She has been on holiday. There is no magic help for worrying.

Ah no need for her to develop her own independence and judgement like other young adults her age then.

Untrue.

You can choose to recognise it as a problem and take steps to deal with your anxiety in whatever way that works for you. Or you can shrug your shoulders and continue as you are.

No that's a whole different ballgame going there, obviously I couldn't stop her if she did get the qualifications and wanted to but can't imagine the worry.

I will be continuing as I am but there really is no magic cure for mum worry.

No there isnt magic help but its really not on for our anxieties to impact our children. Restricting a grown woman's activities and infantilising her isnt going to help her in life.

Again, shes fine with it for now (whether genuinely or humouring you). She wont be fine with it much longer and you have a real risk of your behaviour leading to her being massively unprepared for situations she'll face.

And as I say, if/when she meets someone and wants to go out with them, she cant be saying she has a curfew to them, they'll run a mile!

mine was no curfew but be home by whatever time you’ve said, come in quietly and if you ever get stuck to ring my dad and he would come and get me

I think it reasonable to come home at between 2 and 3am. Later than that and they are waking you up. And given your anxiousness you may not have even gone to sleep.
Nothing to do with their age. They are adults. But still living at home. So need to realise you live there too.

But if she won't go to uni ior won't go for a night out because of your worries, you're clipping her wings by default. Isn't it our job as parents of young adults to give them the space and push them if necessary to get out there into the world to develop adult level judgement and independence?

Still WIP for my 19 year old, but she asked if she could go away for the weekend yesterday. DH and I teased her a bit for thinking it was our decision. There's scope for insisting on some house rules while they are under your roof, sure, but it's also our job to evolve our relationship with them. They need to think of themselves as adults, have the confidence to engage with the world as an adult, and that starts with parents allowing their own relationship with them to evolve into a healthy adult-adult relationship.

She's absolutely fine honestly, she just doesn't get to take the piss and stay out all night without a word. She has a boyfriend and he doesn't expect to take the piss either, he respects my rules.

She doesn't want to go to uni (didn't even get good GCSE's). She does go out, she has a good social life, she goes to college/work and has a boyfriend. I just don't allow her to take the piss (a comment on here said their DC stays out until 5am without a word) and I have rules, 18 or not which she understands and respects. That's it.

YABVU to expect them to be home from a club at midnight - and they're 18 and it's just after A Levels, they're going to want to celebrate with their friends. I think let them go out and have fun - better that they get some experience doing it now while they're coming home to you than their first weeks of uni!

I thought nightclubs were for over 21s

No curfew at all no - just tell you want their plans are, eg coming home or staying at a friend, that's it.

Once you allow them out past pub closing honestly any other time of night is just as safe/unsafe. In fact may well be safer coming home at a light 4am in summer than midnight anytime, for example

No curfew. But I’d ask if they could give you an approximate time, a plan on how they will get home, and a heads up if staying over at a friends etc.

I never had curfews for mine. We had case by case discussions, and an expectation that they would let me know what their plans were. Particularly if plans changed.

No curfew here, I just like to know if they are staying out all night - so I will get ‘a staying at xxx’s house, see you whenever!’ text.

That is a good point as well

By insisting they come home at a certain time, means she’ll likely be separated from the rest of her friends and have to make her way home by herself

I’d much rather they all stick together and travel home as a group, even if that does mean coming in at 5am.

Why would it be without a word? I always let my parents know what time I would be home, it just happened to be maybe 3am. I often would say 3am and be home way before

i was living away at college at 17 and no curfew there.
because my parents were so relaxed, I probably shared more than I would have if they hadn’t been. So they met my friends at college, I shared photos of nights out, rang before a night out to say where I’m going and would text the next day too

When i was 18 and first started going out I regularly came in at 6am /7am

Of course no curfew at 18. I would ask them to be quiet (but not so quiet that I didn't know they were home!) and particularly earlier in the week (worknights) or when he had early starts, I would ask him to be respectful and bear it in mind.

If lifts were needed, that's a different story, I want to know when and where and would prefer something else arranged if it was going to be 5 am.

I'm another who doesn't sleep well when they are out, but I know that's my problem, I still worry when DH is out and I don't curfew him.

It's interesting that some people above think that imposing curfews mean that you want them to move out. I think there is some truth in that. People want to control the others in their household "my house my rules" and that's a tough environment for the controlled.

Does she have a phone? If so why would it be without a word?

I just think youre setting yourself and her up for a lot of issues. She wont be happy with your restrictions that come as a result of your own problems for long no matter how much you want to believe thats not true. Something will have to give so your DD can develop and mature normally.

Not sure, that's what a comment on here said. She's absolutely fine, she gets out all the time and doesn't need an intervention 😂