AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

No curfew but rules and boundaries
no making noise coming home waking up the family/neighbours
no bringing anyone home for the night
etc

YANBU to worry but they are adults and need a bit of trust ànd independence. Mine (22 and 18) sometimes come home around 3 or 4 but we have agreed rules. They always tell me their plan and stick to it (who they will be with and who is coming home with them or where they'll be sleeping. Never leave anyone alone). Phone has full charge. They also send me a message when they're home/back at friends. That way if I wake up, I know if they're home or not.

Realistically, midnight's too early; a midnight curfew is tantamount to banning them from going clubbing in the first place. My clubbing days are behind me now but we'd typically leave the club at chucking out time and walk home (about ¾ of an hour). This meant getting in around 3am, but there were (and still are) clubs locally that stayed open later than the ones we used to frequent. It's up to you; it's your house and they're your kids, but 5am doesn't sound unfeasibly late to be getting home in that context. After all, it's not like they've got school in the morning ;)

They can just share a link of the journey to you via text, if they want to.

No need for them to have to as adults take pictures of number plates christ

No, I wouldn’t be giving 18 year olds a curfew and I definitely would not be causing them to miss out on clubbing! It’s a rite of passage is it not? Kids younger than that are staying away at Uni and doing exactly as they please.
Obviously you can put some expectations in place- please be quiet and respectful of the rest of the household when you come in, you won’t be waking up at 5am to pay their taxi if they run out of money, no overnight guests, and for goodness sake lock the door behind you!

No curfew, just respectful behaviour. They don’t get to come in banging and shouting in the middle of the night for example, and they should courtesy text to give you an idea of when they would expect to be home, but they’re adults so they don’t have curfew.

That’s fair enough!

No curfew needed but they just need to be respectful and quiet when they return home

18 year old son here & I understand the worry & lack of sleep. Our arrangement is we have life 360 so I can see where he is & if he's staying out all night he texts me to let me know. If he is coming home I go to sleep at my usual 10pm & he has to wake me when he gets in to say he is safe (& then I seem to properly sleep if that makes sense). I do wonder how long he'll be happy with the life 360 arrangement though & obviously that's up to him but he does track me on it & had actually text me before to ask what time I'm coming home!

My twins aren’t 18 until next month they were at their prom and then a house party until 5 this morning. They have a key and must have been very quiet as I never even heard them come home. At 18 as long as they are respectful if getting home then I wouldn’t have an issue

I’m finding having a ring doorbell quite handy for this stage of parenting (16 and 18).

They know they have to let me know what are are doing (16 Year old has a curfew but sometimes later than I want to go to bed) but if they forget and I wake up in a blind panic at 3am wondering if they got home ok I don’t need to get out of bed to see that they did.

Nothing winds me up more than the expression adult kids!! Oh im taking the kids on holiday and paying(the kids are 25), the kids are sharing a taxi so they dont have to pay(the kids are 26 yes they do have to pay), what time do i tell my adult kids to come home!! They are adults they have worked hard in their exams they can come home whenever they want, and the one that really winds me up oh but theyre kids they dont need to work or pay rent....back in the day you had a paper round at 12 and a job in a shop at 16 and left home at 18 and got a proper job,

You can't give an adult a curfew. I was out clubbing till it closed at 3.30 and went home changed and in work by 6 am

No curfew! And midnight won’t work for clubbing. But I have other rules - always get a taxi after midnight or when drunk. If female, never travel alone - invite your friends to ours afterwards is safer. Make sure your phone has charge. Ring me if there’s a problem and come in quietly at 4am or I will get cross 🥹

I would rather mine were concentrating on what’s happening around them than texting me and taking photos.

Obviously you also text your parents when you leave places and take a photo of licence plates so you must think it’s not a distraction.

I have a 21 year old and a just turned 18 year old. In my opinion, they are adults now so we dont have a curfew time BUT we have rules. They dont go clubbing and dont drink through their own choices as big into cars. The 18 year old goes to his friends houses and comes home after Im in bed. His car is so loud I should hear him coming home BUT he comes home very quietly and then texts me to say he is home and door locked, so when I wake in the night I know he is safe. 9 times out of 10 the 21 year old is still up when the 18 year old gets in. The 21 year old does exactly the same if he is out late. So, no curfew BUT be respectful coming home.

I have DD21 and DD18, no curfews here. Eldest is at uni but stays here in holidays. They’re adults. I only ask where they’re going and whether they’re in for meals.

They’re still living in her house

I find this tracking really weird. They’re adults - why should they be surveilled? Or even know where you are, for that matter. At what point does the tracking end? When we were young we didn’t even have mobiles and parents coped. LIfe360 also massively increases parental anxiety, if nothing else

I never had a curfew but my mum did always ask me for a rough time she could expect me home, only because as she put it, if she woke up after that time and I wasn't back, she would call the police and have them look for me. It was pre-tracking apps and stuff so it was her peace of mind.

She never actually minded what time I came in, on more than one occasion I texted her while out to give her a new (later) time if I was enjoying myself. Sometimes that new time was waaaaaay into the following morning!

I think since they live in your house its a courtesy to give an idea of when they might be back, especially as girls if you're worried about their safety etc.

But as for an actual curfew or you stipulating a time they must be back, they are adults I'm afraid.

I know they can do what they like at uni, but as their parent surely you want your home to be an inviting safe place they enjoy returning to, which might be affected if they don't feel they have freedom there now.

A curfew? At 18? When I was 18 I had a two year old and didn’t live with my parents

It's not everyone's cup of tea but works for our family. We've used it since my son was 16 & having to get 2 buses to college & we've just kept it, he is very welcome to take himself off it. I only check it when I go to bed at 10pm & if he is out & I check it when I wake in the night if he's still out. It doesn't cause me any anxiety & it means he doesn't feel he has to text me to say where he is & what time he is coming home, my only rule is he has to text to let me know if he is not coming home. As I said it works for us.

Right.

But that poster isn't running a borstal. I want my adult offspring to enjoy their lives and a good time. I have no desire to tell them that they can't do ordinary things that they want to do because they are still living in my house.

Going out to a nightclub is a perfectly normal thing that 18-year-olds should be doing after they finish their A-levels. It's not starting a meth lab.

Maybe it comes down to making sure that when you're bringing up your children, you don't do a bad job of it.

I like mine.

i would much rather my kid got used to going out drinking whilst they lived at home and I can keep an eye one them than waiting until they go to uni with no supervision!

As a compromise would you not get her to put her phone location on and maybe text you at certain times instead? I think it’s a bit unfair and embarrassing to have curfews on adults. You don’t need to wait up at all, tell her to let you know when she’s home aswell as location and texts. Nights out only get fun in the early hours at that age and if you’re making her come home by 12am or whatever your time is set at it’s a bit OTT. They get bored of clubbing too early these days, let her enjoy it while her friends are because by the time she moves out away from you (and you’ll have absolutely no idea where she is) they’ll all have got past the fun nights out stage and she’ll have missed out.