AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

Nothing is open that late out by us so 5am could never happen. Our policy is always tell us where you are going, who you are going with, and what time you will be home. That way we know when to worry.

if it were my daughter, I would probably just talk to her and tell her I’m not going to sleep well because I’m going to be worried. Could we compromise at something like 2am for this first night? Not because I’m setting an arbitrary rule, just because it would be good for everyone, including her to ease into this new phase. When everything goes well, then we talk again for the next outing.

my kid wouldn’t balk at that or feel like I was imposing a curfew. I know some older teens would feel differently.

I remember my dad wanting me home at 11pm at that age. He reluctantly agreed to midnight when I argued that the nightclubs don’t get going til 11 at the earliest, and if I called him from a payphone to say we were really enjoying ourselves and do we absolutely have to leave at midnight he’d often agree to 1am in reality lol but no later cos he’d get too tired and no way would he sleep til I was home. He’d always drive to come pick me and my friends up. This was back in the 1990s but most people’s parents weren’t as strict as mine even then (I have a feeling my mum would have been a little more lenient if my dad wasn’t as strict). I have a teen at uni but he’s never been interested in drinking/pubs/clubs so I never had to worry about it. I had thought if he showed a sudden interest I’d say 1-2am for the first night or two and if it went well I’d be ok with 3ish. 5 seems kind of excessive to me TBH unless they have a crazy long journey home. Sure the clubs might not close til 4 but you don’t HAVE to stay there til closing time! Having said that I do get why 18 year olds post exams would ideally want to…. I think if you’re happy they will be sensible and look after each other then I’d be ok with them staying til 4am closing but would maybe pick them up.

I’ve just come back from Majorca
went to a festival near magaluf so went for a drink there first
full of post a level 18 year olds who looked like they hadn’t slept for a week 😂
my 18 year old is in Rio living his life exactly as I want him to

making a noise no that would have to stop but no I wont give a curfew to a legal adult, if they are considerate when they come hom like we would be then why so much control?

Once I hit my A levels my parents let me do as I wished. Their view was I was 16 and should be responsible for myself. I never had a curfew but had to let them know what I was doing (no mobiles).

Totally fine if they want to stay out late or early morning

Theyre right about the club opening times. Things don’t really start until midnight.
I always thought it was quite safe because I could get the tube there and back - home would be in the morning in the daylight with plenty of people going to work etc.
But I understand your concerns - 18 is still young.

I had a curfew even when I was 18. Just because you turn 18 doesn't mean you can do whatever you like. You still have to respect the rules of the house and the people you're living with.

My parents were always fair. When I was 18, I was expected home by 2:30am, and I respected that and never had an issue.

Being an adult isn't about having no rules- it's about showing responsibility and consideration for others, after all as my mum would say 'this isn't a hotel' and I think on reflection as an adult my parents were very reasonable and always had my interests at heart.

I’d allow the post a level one as a bit of a treat, but set a time usually. Best will in the world people coming back home wake up the rest of the house and it’s not fair for others to be woken at 4 in the morning because they’ve been partying- I wouldn’t say that’s a curfew- more a house rule

Giving adult children a curfew is nuts.

Why do you feel that letting them go clubbing with their friends - a perfectly normal and legal way to celebrate the end of A levels (or just a weekend) - would be abandoning them, OP?

Getting experience of doing their own thing close to home is an important stepping stone in prepping for university, where they will be out until 5 am, or later, but not near resources they are initially familiar with.

If them coming home at 5 am is a problem in terms of disturbing the household, you may want to limit how often you find it acceptable. But it's not inherently bad for them, so don't stand in their way for this one. If they have little experience of this sort of thing talk to them before hand and make sure they have a plan for getting home and what to do if they lose their phone or something. And then talk to them afterwards, you will almost certainly get to enjoy a little bit of vicarious excitement and share in their own joy. (And in the very unlikely case it didn't go brilliantly, you can commiserate and discuss how to avoid in the future - this is what parents do in terms of not abandoning their adult children).

You've had 18 years to turn them into adults, the next step is to let them be adults.

OP, you can't set a curfew of midnight for an 18 year old.

I wouldn't set a curfew, but there would be some ground rules. Let me know where you are going and a rough expected time home. If plans change, send a text. So, if mine said out with a friend until about 1 and decided to sleep over, then I'd wake to a text telling me the change of plans. I wouldn't be left worrying at the sight of an extra bed.

I also insisted on the phone number of at least one other friend who would be with them. Mine weren't thrilled with this, but I promised never to call unless it was an emergency and I'd tried contacting them first. eventually they would give me a name and number without complaint, and I'm happy to say that I never needed to call anyone on the emergency list.

On the bright side, with twins, it sounds like they will most likely be staying together and so they won't be travelling home alone.

You really do need to get used to this while they're still at home and before they go to uni. Mine all knew they could call me if there were issues and they did call a couple of times. Four adult kids now, but I was called when one of their friends had far too much to drink. She didn't need medical treatment, but she did need some close supervision just in case. I was called when things got a bit out of hand a couple of times and they used me as a good excuse to go home. The old, I'd love to stay, but suddenly mum is unwell and needs me type of thing.

You will need to get yourself used to going to sleep without them home. It's good for them to get out and start learning to manage situations while still relatively close to home and before they head off to uni.

You absolutely can not put a curfew on your fully grown, adult children. Come on now. How embarrassing for them. Just get them to text you a code word every few hours if you’re that worried. I did this for my mum when I first started clubbing but that phased out very quickly as was too busy having a good time!

I think once they are 18 and final exams are over all bets are off for curfews.

I would however expect them to tell me about general plans so I’m not worried, and they are quiet when they arrive home!

They’re 18, they’re adults, they will be together. It’s a bit ridiculous and controlling to try and give grown ups a curfew. But clearly you don’t just stop worrying about them the moment they turn 18 so I do feel for you op. Keep talking to them but all you can do now is trust them.

DS18&19 here, they are right on timings ! It’s usually a 3am-ish return home but club close is indeed 5am. Tonight huge post a level night out, let them celebrate. It’s warm. Sun up early. Amazing memory of being with friends.

they do need to practice for Uni 😊

I wouldn't have a clue because I left home at 17 to escape my 10pm weekend curfew, 9pm on weeknights. When I got engaged it was 'generously' increased to midnight, so that was when I walked out the door and into the home of my boyfriend forever. Draconian.

I have adult children at home and have rules about them not disturbing the household with when they come home. If it's going to disturb my sleep, it doesn't fly.

I never gave my adult children a curfew. I only insisted they are quiet when they get home and no cooking (fear of them leaving something cooking and forgetting about it)
I spoke to them about being safe and going home in groups/ getting a taxi. Not accepting drinks from people etc.

My DD is 18 and no curfew. She isn’t one for going out late though. She had her first legal drink last night to celebrate end of A levels and we were home by 8pm!

Adult kids is an oxymoron.
They are children, then they are adults.
At 18 they can vote, buy ice cream, wear a hat.
And certainly old enough to not have a curfew.
It isn't the 1950s.

True, though if you live in my home as an adult, you will be restricted if your activities adversely affect my peace. If you don't like it, get your own place.

No curfew at all at that age. My old man tried with me and I ignored it.

My only rule was, wake me up and I’ll tear you a new one.

We have when can I worry time, so if dc are going out they do bit give a set time to be back but will say they expect to be back by 2 am but if not back by 3 am then I could text to check if all ok. This worked really well and they understood I got worried but I also was nit stressing all night.

Def no curfew. My parents didn't even know where I was half the time when I was 18!

Dd didn't get back from her yr11 prom after party until 5. But that didn't even start until midnight. I admit. I didn't sleep terribly well, but she was quiet when she came in.