AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Exactly, he's a total clown.

Dont open messages from him. Ask FM or other trusted person to deal with them for you. You dont need to see them.

He and his toxic mother also threatened to get custody of the baby that he is now saying isn't his.

Everything that he says is a lie and he will be found out. He will just make things worse for himself.

Not the brightest is he?!

And lets face it, even if it was true and she had stolen money and she was abusive and he isnt the father of the baby then none of that would be the justification for harassment he seems to think it is. He is fucked and he knows it but people like them cannot stand being called out on their shitty behaviour so they have to retaliate.

The police will know that it is not true. This will not be the first time that an abuser has made counter allegations to try and save their own neck, my ex did it to me and I know of several others on MN alone.

Its interesting that the nice members of the family say that this is what the MIL does.....shout and scream and make threats and has been doing this for years. She is still doing it, so it seems to me that this is the first time her, or any of them have been held accountable. I wonder if no one else called them out for fear of her making good on her threats, or to "keep the peace" (!).

Just to say I scanned this thread and was so impressed by your strength. Because of you taking action, your little one won't grow up thinking this is normal. They'll know they're safe and warm and loved by you. How incredible a gift to give to someone. Well done on breaking cycles for your boy. ❤️

I know how hard it can be when a barage of negativity is coming your way. If you can write down a short paragraph on what you want for your son and you, put it with a picture of the two of you together, and when ever your brain feels loud center yourself with that?

The police have to follow up their allegations even if they know it's nonsense. They will be able to see from the messages that it's your (soon to be ex) husband and his mother who are the problem.

OP with the strength, wisdom and resilience you are demonstrating at 23 I've no doubt you will be a fantastic mum who will create a beautiful life for you and your child. You have a lot to look forward to.

This difficult time is just that, a moment in time and there is a light at the end of it. Keep going, keep strong, keep fighting, stay honest and he will eventually trip himself up over his own ego. You really have got this ❤️

The police will have seen this before but they have to take every complaint at face value and investigate otherwise they could be accused of favouritism or bias or miss something important. Them investigating his complaint does not mean that they don't believe you or think there's any substance to his claims. Remember that they have all the messages, they will know what started this, that it's his mum and him and dad that have been sending abusive messages to you, and that they're changing track with what they say to try and hurt you, and that he has lied to the police to get a welfare check.

I'm sorry it's bringing up past stuff with your birth mum too. You have done nothing to deserve this, the fault lies with him. Please consider telling your fm that you're struggling, I'm sure she'd want to know to support you. Or maybe your SW you mentioned or your GP could help provide that additional support. You are under immense strain and anyone would be finding things difficult right now. You have the added difficulty of it dragging up crap from your past. You are doing amazingly OP.

Let them collect the ‘evidence’, you are married! Scammed him out of what? He’s very unlikely to pursue this OP, he’s clearly just crashing out raging, and that’s okay! Just keep sticking to your path, this all will eventually die down, I promise, it has too! They’re seriously unhinged. The police know this, but if someone has made complaints they have to look into it. Just ride it out, you’re doing amazing❤️ his mum and him can’t convince anything without hard evidence of a crime. Please stay strong, you haven’t been rejected, you’re rejecting them and a shit life. He’s a mummy’s boy and always will be, crazy ass bunch. Keep going, ignore what they say the best you can, stay level headed. You’re doing what’s right for you and your baby.

Keep updating here, we are cheering you on, and there’s lots of helpful advice to be offered here from women from all sorts of professions and walks of life xxx

Also, they don’t caution people for nothing! They already know they’re harassing you. Keep reporting and documenting. The charges against them will become bigger.

@letsallavoidourproblems has said pretty much what I wanted to say after scanning this thread. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but so glad you have a wonderful foster family. I used to be a foster carer and would certainly want any of my former foster children to come to me if they needed anything.

i don’t have much that’s useful to say other than you are not in the wrong and I haven’t read anything that would suggest your ex and family have a hope in gel of getting cuatody.

Also re the anxiety. I started to experience extreme health anxiety just after my child was born and went straight to the doctor and was put on sertraline, it really helped.

sending love and strength x

The police have to appear fair, but they will be well aware of exactly what is going on here.
Stay calm, focus on yourself, your baby and health.
We are here for you and praying for you.❤️

You’re much better off without him or his family. Look after yourself and your baby.

@RudaRudoRude you may not feel strong but you really are!
They are and have been showing who they really are by their actions. From the time he went on the holidays to getting friends to also harrass you, the police have to show they are investigating. I think that it is more evidence against them all
Sending you all the support and so proud of you. X

OP, I appreciate that you may be feeling all sorts of emotions, fear, uncertainty, anger, doubt etc. But you are so strong to be navigating this and keeping your head up, many people would fall apart and be manipulated by your husband and MIL. Having a baby does a number on anyone nevermind what you are having to experience from these toxic people.

I wanted to comment that I think you are amazing, so is your brilliant foster mum. Given how they have behaved, you will look back on this with pride as a solid decision that you made for the benefit of your child and you. It would only have got worse for you in that marriage. And the police will see through this laughable bullshit. Having an affair after just giving birth?! The baby that they were seeking full custody of isn’t his? ‘You can’t look after a child’ - from the caring family that abandoned you to fend for yourself alone 3 weeks after a traumatic EMCS with a colicky infant…the police have to keep a professional demeanour to you but I’m sure they will laugh at the antics of your husband and MIL when they read through the messages you have. They will find nothing on you because you’ve done everything that a brilliant mum would do, they are much much more likely to judge your husband. Hats off to you.

Take each day at a time from here and mute the messages for now. Enjoy your lovely baby x

It's highly unlikely that the police will have any interest in whatever information he thinks he can give them. They have to be seen to be taking it seriously but they will do nothing with it.

Please don't let this take up room in your head because that's exactly that they want and it's completely unnecessary.

Don't have further contact of any kind with baby's dad other than through a solicitor and let them handle the police too. The police have reacted quite strongly in your favour by cautioning them. Your ex's reaction to that will not impress a judge at all.

Just focus on finding your safe place with baby and lean into the support around you. You're being incredibly strong for your baby and don't forget that's all that matters, alongside taking good care of yourself.

I also think they you are going to need help for possible PTSD after this and it's really important that you do not keep reading his messages because your brain needs to feel like you are safe. Which you are. Can someone else read and forward the messages?

Remember, your first contact with the police caused them to advise you that you were being harrassed.

His accusations are reactionary, and they will see that clearly.

Keep focusing on yourself.

Ah op you don't need to think too far down the road yet as hard as that is. Just one step at a time - you are doing so well and you've already overcome so much at a very vulnerable time.

I'd let the police do their due diligence - you've done nothing wrong and when they conclude that it will be more evidence in your corner. The police will be able to see that you're working with them and using all supports available to you and being appropriate. It's very common for abusers like your ex to make counter claims so the police will be used to this.

When things settle a little you might actually feel worse to be very honest, you've been in survival mode and eventually that will wear off and you'll need to actually grieve the relationship and the future you'd had planned for yourself and your little one. That's completely normal and it will get easier with time. Many people who have experience of being in care find becoming parents very triggering even in easier circumstances so again, that's very normal and understandable. The more support around you the better and maybe your social worker could source some counselling for you as an additional support when you feel ready?

I think you're incredible and I think there's really great things in store for you once this rollercoaster comes to an end.

This is an awful thing for you to go through when you should be focussing on your new born and being a new mum. He’s doing this to wound you. You know it, your fp know it, the police know it… the police just need to do what they need to do. He and his mum will keep slinging shit your way to cause maximum distress for you as punishment for walking away.

As this is something you know, you can now steel yourself against it. Surround yourself with your cheerleaders. Have lots of snuggles with your little one… these people won’t break you, you’ve already got through so much, you will get through this too. Whenever you find yourself going over what they have said, take a deep breath, remind yourself that they are dickheads and their choice of words is intended to harm you. Then distract yourself with something else. Keep going, you’re doing amazingly well. ❤️

Hope you’re okay OP❤️‍🩹 your strength is unmatched, I promise🫶🏼

How are you doing, OP?