AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

They thought they were being clever, but they have now shown themselves to be total scum.

Please do as the police advised and log the harassment.
Show the police the texts.
Ask for a Women's aid referral.
Bring your foster mum with you for support and as a witness.

You are being abused.
You might be eligible for legal aid, which would be very helpful.

You may be exhausted, you poor pet, but this is the time to get ahead of this.
They involved the police, now use them too and show them the vile harassment of you.

Also op, what you could also do, if you wanted to is contact social services pro actively and state that you're concerned he's abusive and therefore a risk to your child. I fully understand why this may feel very risky to you and probably triggering but you are not a child in care right now. You are a parent being bullied by her ex who is a risk to her and her baby. If you have taken steps to remove yourself and your baby safely from the relationship, got a good support network around you and are focused on doing right by your baby then you'll be seen as the protective parent. However if you don't reach out, he will probably go that route next and then you'll be the one under scrutiny which would be very unfair. So I'd actually be trying to get in there first. Maybe have a chat with your foster mum about it and see what she thinks? I'd also be contacting a solicitor today and looking into a non molestation order and sending them a letter to cease and desist.

I'm deeply sorry you're left having to do all this at a time when you're probably exhausted and feeling vulnerable emotionally. It's extremely unfair but honestly my advice to you is to go on the offensive a bit here and try to get in there first where you can leaving yourself a very clear protective paper trail. A solicitor who is well versed in dealing with domestic abuse would be good to find. You should qualify for uc and possibly legal aid as a single parent who's being abused.

You do need to log this as harassment, it’s blindingly obvious to the police, get it on record. You’re doing so well.

I have read all your posts and omg your in laws are twats, but as for your hubby, that apple didn't fall very far from the tree did it? 😡
I second the advice on here.
Time to get you ducks in a row and... 🦆🦆🦆
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT.
Screen shot and get evidence of everything (texts/emails/financials/bank statements/ payslips of hubby) check his iPad for any info as well before he deletes it.

It takes a village to raise a child, you will have your own village without the husband and the vile in-laws, such as: foster family, your bio siblings, friends. 💕
Don't be scared to reach out to those who is on your side that you knew before you met your husband.

You can get swamped with emotions and this is normal after having a newborn.
Please make time for yourself, as a new mother I focused solely on DS with breast feeding, and baby massage class and sensory music classes and following a routine for him. It was draining and I ran on empty and it made me feel awful.
My pals sister switched to combi fed and I switched to bottles after I couldn't sustain breastfeeding and after a lot of mum guilt and feeling like I had failed, I realised a fed baby is a happy baby, and a well rested happy mum, had a happy baby. Both my mum & MIL pointed out that I had been formula fed and I turned out okay 😆 the choice is always yours, you do what is best for you and your baby.
A colicky baby is no picnic. 💯

Please rely on support, make sure you get time for some self-care (shower and cleaning teeth can seems like a mammoth task when you are solely focused on newborn) and get naps when you can. 💐

Please know that you are not in the wrong here, they sound vile.
It sounds in a way like the in laws were trying to set you up for failure, as they paid for your hubby to leave you on these holidays, at the most crucial time when you needed him the most. Then they plant seeds of doubt and say he should leave you and get custody. This is insidious behaviour. 😠
As a mother herself your MIL should have been far more compassionate and wanted to support you becoming a first time mum, but instead she has decided to do (what she believes) was best for HER child, and NOT what was best for her grandchild (or you carryng/birthing that child) at all.

They are not your family. Family is what you make of it. Your child and siblings and F-family are your family.

ETA: i agree with another poster who said make sure you get in there first with social services and log everything with the police. You are an adult who is a vulnerable first time mum, (not because you have been in care, but because this family are abusive!) So don't be afraid to seek help. Get in there first, beat them at their own game (so to speak) and they will be manipulative (sending police around to bang on your door proves this). What is that old adage?
THE BEST FORM OF DEFENSE IS ATTACK.
You take control of this, even though you will be knackered, bless you 😔

You sound like a lovely lady and It WILL all get better in time, and one day you will look back on this and know you dodged a bullet.
Sending hugs to you 🫂 @RudaRudoRude

I echo other posters recommending you speak to your midwife/health visitor. They will be able to refer and signpost you to lots of emotional and practical support. It will also mean you have more recorded evidence. Did your husband attend any prenatal appointments with you? Was he there for the initial midwife home visits? They will also have that recorded along with how you are getting on (which I’m sure will contradict the accusations your husband and his family are levelling at you about your ability to parent).

I think that the police involvement or when you speak to your midwife/health visitor may trigger a social care referral but that would be a positive step (as daunting as that process is) as you will get some really good support whether that’s from social care or early intervention.

It is also more recorded evidence to show what a capable and brilliant mum you are and the abuse being committed by your husband and his mother.

I’m glad you are getting support from your foster family and those around you. Keep asking for help and support. Your baby is so lucky to have you as a mum.

"The one thing I wanted to know is could he apply for custody on this basis? With his mum backing him?"

I know this has been answered but I'm sure it's terrifying you, so I wanted to say that I can't see how anyone who hears that he went off on a holiday without you before you gave birth because he was going to be tired, and then left you recovering from surgery with a 3 week old to care for to go off on a family jolly would ever think that you were the unreasonable one, @RudaRudoRude

I completely get that you want (wanted) your baby to have the model family that you didn't have, so maybe there's still a chance that he can agree to have counselling and to get his priorities rights, ie you and his own child before his mother, but honestly I suspect the police call is hard to row back from.

I can't tell you what to do, but you have your lovely FM on your side, and I'm sure she'll have enough experience of things to advise you whether there's any way to get back the life you hoped for or whether you have to just let yourself grieve for that and move on.

Either way, you will be ok. It's a horrible thing to have happen to you, but you will be able to pick up the pieces and make a great life for your baby, and for yourself. 💝

Also years ago people had a home help provided by the state for a couple of weeks after the birth when was that? Not in my lifetime and I'm 71.

Im hoping you did log it as harassment, it will then glag up if he tries to fo it again. And it will look negative against him in the divorce. And protect you from his lies and nonsense.

Absolutely log his behaviour as harassment
Show them all the messages you received
Sorry you've married a total arsehole

I couldn't get past this. He is literally putting his mother before his wife and child. It's kind of incidental what was said.

My mum did and she's 80 - maybe different areas provided different levels of care.

I've certainly never heard of it but NNEB Nursery Nurse students used to do placements in a family home with one under 5 and a baby. They were free to the family.

Sorry to hear everything you're going through. It sounds like you're doing everything right, well done you for being so strong.

I’ve never heard of it either and I’m almost 60. And I had my first as a teenager.

Christ I’m so sorry that sounds really stressful.

Keep really good records of all conversations- screenshot WhatsApp’s, make notes of verbal exchanges with times and dates etc.

Keep in close contact with police, social services, GP and Health Visitor - it’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking they’re the enemy, but the reality is that the more you proactively engage with them, the more they will be on your side.

I’d strongly recommend making an appointment today with either GP or Health Visitor to discuss the stress your husband is creating. Get as much officially documented as possible. Definitely get the harassment logged.

Are you still under the midwives, or have they discharged you?
I would reach out to the midwives/ HV just in case that is the next angle he comes at you from.

If he was really concerned about OP and the baby, he wouldn't have pissed off for the weekend, leaving a newly post-partum mum who was still recovering from a c-section all on her own.

After reading the toxic messages between him and his hideous mother, OP was right to block them both. You sound as though you are blaming OP when she has done absolutely nothing wrong. Luckily, the policemen quickly assessed the true situation and offered her advice about reporting the harassment from her husband and MIL.

That’s so awful. You definitely need to take their advice and log an harassment report.

I was lucky to get a GP appointment this morning, I guess that’s the plus side of no sleep. I’m ok, normal to be this sore, she said being stressed and tense won’t be helping and probably making it all feel much worse. Baby is ok, agrees likely colic but said to talk to hv and midwife too as they see more babies. I logged the messages and threats with the police and I spoke to a nice officer that was really helpful. I’m going to stay at my foster parents just incase he does the same again or his mum does and to be with them so I won’t feel so lonely and it won’t be just on my fm.

I'm so glad that you have seen your GP and have logged your husband's threats with the police. You are being brilliant and really strong for your baby.

I'm sure you will feel much safer at your foster parents' house. I think that your husband and his toxic mum have greatly under-estimated how strong you are and how you hard you will fight for your baby.

@RudaRudoRude

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

First off, remember that you are strong. You are!!! You have made the first strong step already; telling him not to return.

Since it sounds as if he (abetted by his mother) is not going to 'go quietly' you will need to continue to be strong and take some needed steps.

First, yes, log a harassment complaint with the police since they've said you can do so. This is important. You need to begin building a 'paper record' of his actions. If he knew that your wonderful FM was with you, stress this to the police. I see you've done this. Good for you!!!

Second (and yes, this is controversial) if you feel there is the least chance that he will try to gain entry, change your locks or the lock barrels. Let your landlord know (and why) and give them the new key. Keep the old lock and key in case the LL wants it put back if/when you move. The home is in your sole name and was your pre-marital residence. The worst that could happen is that you plead ignorance based on those facts and you'll have to give him a key. If that's too big a step for you, get chains installed on the doors. It won't stop him from entering when you're gone, but will prevent a 'nasty surprise'.

Third, if there are any joint finances, separate them. Take exactly half, open accounts in your name and put it there.

Fourth, see a solicitor. Lay everything out before them and ask what actions you need to take. Take FM or FD (foster dad) with you as a 2nd set of ears.

I know, this is a lot. It doesn't all have to be done tomorrow. Just start taking steps to get it done as you are able.

ADDED; I see you're going to FM's. Good. If you have important papers at your place (birth certs, marriage cert, passports, financial records) take them with you and store them at FM's). Also, changing locks won't be that urgent if you aren't going to be there, other than to safeguard papers and possessions.

It may not be legal for op to change the locks.

Going to your FM so that you have help and support is a great move , I hope you start to feel recovered soon .

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time.

You sound like an amazing, super strong person & I'm sending you lots of love and support.

I read your OP and thought "no, you're not unreasonable, they are (MIL and husband)" & it just got worse and worse.

Nothing you've said or done is wrong - not asking your husband to come back from his holiday when you were ill, nor asking him not to go to the anniversary party.

I'm not legally qualified but I'd be AMAZED if any custody judge saw your desire not to be left alone for 3 days with a premature/newborn baby and while recovering from an emergency c-section as a sign that you couldn't cope. Particularly since you HAVE coped, not just with the baby but with all the abhorrent behaviour of your husband & MIL.

As I see it, it's your MIL who is controlling, not you. Your husband seems, at best, unable to stand up to her, and I think you're well shot of them, although I know there is also a lot of grief - for your child and perhaps also for yourself.

I'm glad you're safe and have support from your friend and foster parents.

If you happen to be anywhere near London let us know when you start work again. I've lost my regular hairdresser &, being half Arabic, it would be great to have someone who understands mixed race hair!

There's being concerned, and there's telling the police he thought OP might have done something to the baby, which is what she says he did. He's so far out of order I don't have words to describe it.

If he was really concerned he could have come home, called OPs fm, or friend or if he really had to call the police say he was worried she might be unwell - although that would be kind of inconsistent with leaving in the first place!

I agree with other pp's that it sounds like a calculated move & I wouldn't be surprised if instigated by MIL.