AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Hi @RudaRudoRude So sorry you’re going through this and just wanted to add a voice of support. Your foster mum sounds great and I’m glad you have her. It’s hard having a new baby even with lots of support so you’re doing so well in your situation. You’re already taking really positive steps - do make sure you collect as much evidence as you (safely) can, e.g. take pictures of the texts between him and his mum. They both sound really awful. Keep yourself safe and keep looking to the future - you have a lovely baby and you will give them a lovely life.

Yes screenshot and write up everything that happens and keep in a folder.
Well done for calling a halt on his behaviour.
And wonderful foster mum for being there for you. She sounds like a treasure. X

Well done you.
So brave.
Bring any papers or documents with you and leave with her.

First time posting, I just couldn't pass this one by without saying you are doing amazing, you are coping so well and making good measured decisions with your baby's interest at heart while dealing with so much. You will get through this, and it will all feel so much easier when you are physically healed. You sound like you have such a good head on your shoulders and are an amazing Mum. Keep taking the support of fm and friends, we all need help with a new baby!

You are stronger than you know and your foster mother is amazing. Good idea to take important documents with you.

I'm just sending a hug and agreeing with all the previous posters. Everything you've done and are doing sound exactly right. The irony of what they've said is that you DO know how a functional family works as your FF have proved by taking you and your siblings in and being so supportive. Hugs for you all x

You’re doing amazing op!

Your mother in law is a crazy nutcase. C section is a major operation and parenting is a two person job!

A calculated move that has blown up in his face as the police look very negatively on this kind of thingcas it is a form of harassment. And now it's been logged against him.

Who voted yabu?!?!
what a joke.

you are not unreasonable. He wanted to go that badly, he should have taken the baby. These people. What a disgrace

I'm so glad to read your update op, that's exactly the right thing to do. The company will do you good and a bit of positive reinforcement in your life.

Is your property in your name or joint names? Is it owned or rented? If rented with your name or joint names on the tenancy agreement I'd actually contact the landlord and ask if they can help with changing the locks and if you own it and your name is on the deeds I'd get the locks changed tomorrow. Just so he can't get in while you're at your foster parents and then take over the property.

YANBU I think it’s disgusting that DH has left you alone to go to a family event. He needs to get his priorities right. Don’t let him or his family minimalise what you’ve been through. Sounds like his mother is going to be a real problem. But ultimately it is your DH who needs to deal with her and he should grow up. Do you have a health visitor that you can discuss this with? You will need support and don’t be tempted to cover up his or MIL’s behaviour.

My fd changed the locks on my house today. I rent it from my fds brother so it’s all fine. I have a ring doorbell on there. I took my passport etc just incase. We haven’t registered the baby yet.
The now ex picked up his things from our friend today. He said loads of crap and she recorded it. Like how I’ve overreacted to it all and his mum just cares about the baby so what’s wrong with that, and he’s worried about my mental state. She didn’t say anything because she wanted to know how he could find his way out of this. My fm has emailed my social worker because I can have contact for me until I’m 25 because as someone said here it might be best to have a sw to back me up because who knows what lies him and his mum will make up.
I can’t lie I’m still struggling with how my whole world has changed. I know she and his dad didn’t like me but I never believed they’d hate me so much that they want to destroy me and to twist it and say she is only caring for the baby.

Very good advice to get help from the SW. It’s a very common tactic of men like this to say their ex is crazy. They will have seen it before. Just keep looking after your baby. It’s a great move to get support from your FM and FD

As you’re married, you can go register the baby without him
and put him on the birth certificate. Don’t worry about the future now, just go home and be with your family and your gorgeous baby. You’ve done loads in a short space of time. Park the rest of it for a little while.

Are there any cons to putting dad on the birth certificate? (I genuinely don’t know - but as he’s not registered yet, worth considering?)

I’m so exhausted from it but seeing in a message that she wrote what she said has given me no choice but to do everything I can to keep my baby. I know the chances are slim of him getting full residency but it’s not a risk I want to take. And then with their behaviour getting worse and the lies.

Ahhh your a new mum op ,with a good support system you will be fine ♥️♥️. Please don't be afraid of ss they will help you and support you ,even though it would appear you in laws would like to use you past to their advantage do not be afraid you have done exactly right , separated yourswlf from a toxic environment and sought support from rational trusted ppl ,,you are a fabulous mummy and will only grow from this even if it seems pretty grim right now ,👀

You have done everything right love. Rest now. He has blown up his life and he forced this and allowed it and enabled it. I had my alarms set for every 4 hrs for the first 8 weeks after my emcs for painkillers and it was advice someone gave me and it helped immensely - there is a kind of panadol you can get with caffine which I had at 8 am and 12 noon and then eased off for the afternoon. Whilst breastfeeding they will probably just want you on paracetomol and ibiphronen (sorry my spelling is a mess) instead of stronger stuff so just be really strict with your alarm and try to heal your body. A nice mantra to say which helped me was "bodies heal" when doing some breathing or gentle hands over the wound. You are a super mama and all these strangers on the internet and universe are thinking of you, holding you, and sending you so much love and strength..this place is mad but so is the world. Good luck, rest up, that woman is blocked from your life now and access is over. Xxxxxx

The odds are incredibly slim as they have no evidence. So don’t forget part of their tactic is to wear you down with fear, intimidation and harassment. Part of doing everything to keep your baby is also ensuring you take some time to rest and your body to heal. Don’t let them get inside your head, you were clearly meant to have this baby so don’t let them “force errors” as in make you so tired and afraid that you make a mistake.

I will pray for you to get some rest tonight, as much as one can with a newborn.

@RudaRudoRude

I'm so glad you got the locks changed, especially since I'm sure FD's brother as the landlord will back you up on it.

I think your idea of involving a SW is a good one. Always helps to have someone 'official' involved.

I do think you should go register the baby. This way you will have the naming of the child. PLUS, it will stop him from registering the birth on his own.

A man who could leave his 3 week old baby in such circumstances, is not a man who actually wants full custody. This is coming from his mother, but then again it’s been 30 years since she’s had a newborn so I suspect she’d actually not be that keen either in reality!

You’re doing great OP! You’ve absolutely got this x

Honestly you’re amazing. It must be so painful to go through all this when you should be able to concentrate on you and your new baba, but you will get through it. There are so many of us on here thinking of you and sending you hugs and best wishes.

Try to rest a bit too!

If he and his mum were so concerned about the baby and your mental health, why did she insist he attend the weekend party, and why did he go?

They really don't have a leg to stand on.

Well done @RudaRudoRude . Sending all best wishes to you and your baby.

Agree, and thank goodness for that!