AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Do you have a marriage with a culture that the husbands parents are allowed to interfere within the relationship?
Because this is not normal. Is your husband so unfit to be a husband that actually your married to your mother in law.
I would be finding a way out of this marriage. And I wouldn't be saying another word to either your husband or his mother.
She is controlling and he is allowing it. He does not have a back bone. He will allow her to control him.

Dont block them. Continue to keep evidence.

@RudaRudoRude please remember one thing /this isn't personal.
When my mil attacked me when I was a new mum I thought it was and she went weird when I was pregnant. Then I came on here and realised mils like this are the same.

Re Italian mils I could be wrong but I think there is a law in Italy banning mills interference in a marriage.

@Janicchoplin if it's Italian I think there is a law that bans Italian mamma from ruining their son's marriages ??

Also well done op for drawing this line In the sand. You are in a war now and your DH has to choose mamma or you and his baby.

I was being sarcastic.

He's got it made gets to do as he likes and all with mummy's blessing and at mummy's request.
Honestly don't know why he got married.

Ah that’s wonderful news! Well done fd!! (And fu) All more in your favour. Great idea with SW too.

Totally! It’s a massive shock! The rugs been pulled out from under your feet. That’ll take a bit of getting your head around, and you’ll grieve for a future you thought you were going to have too, that’s only natural.

However, you’ve also massively, (and quickly hence the shock element), escaped a horrible future you were absolutely going to have, hold that in mind too!!

Also, interesting point another poster raised, not to block them so they can give you more evidence against them. Maybe see what SW suggests. The skill there is to ignore the abuse, don’t let it get to you, and make sure any responses are only rational, on topic etc.. don’t get drawn into their way.

We’re all thinking of you and yours!

The marriage was because FIL insisted. Baby’s out of wedlock doesn’t happen in their family.

@RudaRudoRude Your MIL is an evil controlling witch & your DH is a pathetic mummy’s boy who is clearly showing no regard for you. I’d be questioning staying with him once you’re fit & strong again.

Thank you,that's insane in this day and age
He who must be obeyed the FIL.

It may help to read all the OP’s posts….

I have no advice but after reading this entire thread I just wanted to say I’m so glad you have got rid of the toxic pair, she sounds vile and he sounds completely under her control! It probably all feels completely overwhelming at the moment but it sounds like you have your head screwed on and some good support (fm & d).
You WILL be ok, I promise. I was left with a toddler and a new born and 17 years later we are doing great, my DDs are fab and I can’t deny it’s been hard at times but I wouldn’t have it any other way! Good luck ❤️

This but you need to do it ASAP or he will be able to do it without you.

I'm so sorry your life has blown up in this way. NONE of this is your fault.

You have been incredibly strong. Keep taking any and all support offered to you, including by the police. And remember that you are the most important person in your baby's life, and that in order to look after him, you need to look after yourself too (which includes letting others look after you).

As they are married he will automatically be assumed to be the father. I don't think there is any point in pretending otherwise and she will need child maintenance from him.

I will go to register him today. Can he have done this because it’s something his mum would tell him to do but he doesn’t have any of the paperwork that we left the hospital with or my notes or anything at all?

@RudaRudoRude technically I think he could have as you are married and I don’t think you have to have any documentation to do so other than ID. However, he would have only had the opportunity to do this yesterday so seems unlikely and registrars can ask to see baby’s red book which I’m guessing you have.

Before all of this had you both agreed on names? If you are going to change your surname after divorce (if you changed it when getting married) you might want to consider a double barrel name.

What I would just say is that he can apply to the courts to be added- just because you don’t add him now doesn’t mean he won’t be granted PR at a later date. The courts would grant this so just consider your own feelings against what is right for your child in terms of identity and so on, it could also be seen as a deliberate attempt to cause division etc - I know he’s a twat etc but I just want to be clear that it may not matter if you add him now, he can be given PR later.

however, if you’re planning on divorcing I would be registering my baby with my maiden name (or whatever name I planned on using in the future) that shit can’t be changed quite so easily …..

You usually have to make an appointment to register baby (we did) and needs to be in your local authority. But if you’re married then yes, he can register without you or baby present.

I’ve been online and made the appointment for tomorrow that’s the soonest they have. It does say you need something with the hospital number on and he hasn’t got anything at all with any details on.
I changed my name to my fp surname and I will that. Thanks everyone. I feel ok today.

If you have to go in person, and he was so far away that he couldn’t possibly come to see if you and the baby were ok but had to send the police, what sort of organisation would it take for him to have gone ahead and got an appointment before yours, and presumably registered him yesterday or today?

It sounds really unlikely - or if he really did do that then this was all planned in advance by them. Which TBF sounds unlikely to me.

So I think (hope!) that you’re overthinking this particular aspect of things. I mean, I know exactly why you would do that - I’m an over thinker myself, and this has been such a crazy series of events, so I’m sure you’ll have that niggle in your mind until you get it done. But logically I think it has to be ok.

Plus, what could he do really except give him a name you really didn’t want? Was that a possibility before this all blew up?

I was panicking because now I trust nothing.With the messages he’s sent I feel like I don’t know him at all and everything has been a lie. But in the calm and when i talk to my friends or family I see that it is a lot of mouth and no action. He hasn’t asked how is son is even though he was apparently so worried he called the police. The only people in his family that have contacted me are the ones saying that this is what they do and how his mum is always upsetting people and threatening them. And my friend said I have to think about everything in our life before and that it was me, he was living with his parents when I met him and moved in with me, i was the person who pushed him in his job to keep doing training and get promotions, and they twist that like he’s saved me but everything I did in my life so far is my work. With his mum he will go back to being lazy but it’s hard when you read the messages to remember that

So sorry for what you're going through OP. I really wouldn't worry about the possibility he could get full custody, the bar is incredibly high for that and you've got all the evidence in your favour (of him just going off whenever he feels like it, threatening and harassing you etc).

Sounds like you have great friends and family! It is a hot air, he will live to regret this when he sees you moving on and flourishing. I stayed with a toxic partner when I was your age, I amazed at how strong you are given your background, you should be so so proud of yourself, wish I’d been stronger to do the same x