AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

So glad you can see that.

If you haven’t already, write all that down so you can remind future you when you’re having a wobble.

You are a real survivor! leave him to his mum. Sounds like the others in his family know what they’re like too. Good riddance!

It really can take a while to see someone’s true self, and even then we never really do sometimes, but also, the sad reality is it also sometimes takes the change in personal circumstances for it to really come into focus. It can all too easily hide and/or be explained away by other things, also, some people rise to the challenge, some fold. Sounds like he didn’t really have it in him, you were the driving force. You may appreciate not having to carry him too once you’re more settled.

(A bit like we need to live on our own to truly realise the mess we make! Otherwise that butter knife randomly left out was from the other person, no? 😉 😂 )

Op I think it will get to a point where you realise he isn’t who you thought. Yes he has lied and pretended. If he chose you over his mum he would have tried to come back by now. They probably called the police so it is on record. If he wants contact with your child I would ask social services for supervised contact due to his and his mums behaviour. It will get to a point where you realise you are so much better off without him. Try and take a day at a time and enjoy your lovely baby.

@RudaRudoRude

I was panicking because now I trust nothing.With the messages he’s sent I feel like I don’t know him at all and everything has been a lie.

Lovely, you don't know him, or rather, who he is now. My esDH (estranged DH) and I were together nearly 40 years (married 38) and the man he is now is a complete stranger to me having done and said things that I never would have expected of him.

I know who he was completely. I could have told you with assurance what he would have done or how he would have acted in any situation. But now? Not so much. I don't trust him to deal with me honestly or 'with honour'. And so I treat him and his words with suspicion and a strong sense of self-preservation. And when he cries "But you know me!!" I reply "Not now I don't".

So trust nothing, expect the unexpected or even the unthinkable. Better to be happily surprised than bitterly disappointed.

I haven’t blocked him and I unblocked his mum because like you all said it’s evidence. Now you would not believe the latest, I’m sharing this because I’m actually shocked at the twisting and mind games. Apparently I didn’t go because I knew he would go even if I didn’t and it was a cover up because I’m having an affair! And me asking him to stay was just covering up so he wouldn’t suspect anything. Honestly it is clearly like emotional and psychological abuse but I had to laugh at that because a 3 week old baby with colic and having an emergency c section and he thinks he can accuse me of an affair. It’s so crazy!

I’ve read your replies to all comments and I most wanted to say you are incredibly strong, and your baby is so lucky to have you as their mama!

I’m very thankful you have support from your foster mum and dad and your friends rallying around you.

We’re all here for you too and you are doing so brilliantly in the midst of all this shit. You should be taking it easy with your baby but instead you are doing everything you can to have a safe future.

Please keep us updated when you can

So glad you have your foster parents and friends to support you. Sorry this is happening, and hope things get better soon. C-section recovery is hard enough without all this!

Time to grey rock.
Short answers to to his messages and threats such as:
Noted
Acknowledge
I'll keep that in mind.
You are welcome to think that.
Interesting take, noted.
OK
Mmmhmmm
Right!?
(Or no response if its not needed at all.)

Don't use any kind of emotive language, one word answers of yes and no (or similar to above)

And screen shot everything incase he deletes it all

I’m so sorry this has happened to you @RudaRudoRudebut you sound amazing and your son is lucky to have you! On the upside, his behaviour and his mother’s is so outrageous and unhinged that you can have no doubt as to what kind of people they are.

I wish you all the best and I’m sure you’re going to make a great mum. Can’t imagine how hard it must feel for you right now but you are FREE.

My camera reel is just screenshots now it’s actually ridiculous. I don’t answer anything someone told me to just message with a boundary like I’m not engaging with you only about the baby and arrangements for him. Then he asks one simple question about him then the next 15 messages are all how evil I am and I’ve planned all this. I don’t read them now otherwise my head would be wrecked but everything is screenshots

You poor love! Next thing they will be asking for a DNA test. So sorry x

Document everything OP, this is all evidence for you.

You are bloody amazing and strong 💪

Bonkers, totally bonkers. But it does make me think that perhaps they are about to accuse you about lying that he is the father of your child. Even though they are pretending to want custody, I think their reaction now leans more towards "well it’s nothing to do with us anyway, she’s clearly been having an affair for years and she tricked him into marriage as he was such a good catch and now she’s going to divorce and screw him for maintenance for a child which isn’t even his”. Doo-lally as that may seem, @RudaRudoRude, I wonder if you shouldn’t perhaps prepare yourself mentally for that? If it doesn’t happen, great, I am being overly dramatic and over-imaginative, but if it does, I think, particularly if he is named on the birth certificate, which I understand he will be automatically as you are married, if he says the child is not his, you should not get all defensive and jump to do his bidding to prove that the child is his, but make him get a DNA test himself and organize it himself, too. It’s up to him to prove it, not you. I’m sorry if this sounds far-fetched and ridiculous, and I do hope it is, but honestly, as you have seen already this week, you have no idea how people you thought you knew are going to behave when they don’t get their way!
I hope all is well and that it all goes well at the registry office tomorrow. I hope you have chosen a name which you like and which suits your baby, not one imposed on you because of “His Family”.

Sounds like he's a mummy's boy!!

Your husband is the worst and your mother in law is also a complete pos for saying that. You're not being unreasonable in any way. I struggled so much after my first who was an emcs, it was horrendous and my now ex-husband and his horrible family did not help at all. Leaving a brand new mum who's just had major abdominal surgery and then suggesting you can't cope is just disgusting.

You’re doing amazing @RudaRudoRudereally you are being so strong mentally and physically by getting through this and caring for baby. You’re just weeks after a really traumatic birth and for them to do all of this is just so cruel of them but your handling it like super woman. You should be seriously impressed with yourself.

If I hadn’t of written on here I don’t think I’d do so well. I was so embarrassed and I didn’t want to tell my ff or my friends because I was thinking they’d be like after the holiday you’ve let him leave you again. So writing on here definitely gave me the reassurance that it wasn’t right and I needed to tell someone to get help. Maybe if I hadn’t I might have had years of this crap getting worse from him and her so actually I’m so thankful and grateful for all you on the other end of this god knows what I’d be in now if it wasn’t for that 💗💗

Thank you Mumsnet for setting up this site to be a lifeline💐
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I'm so glad OP that you reached out and people could support you and give you some excellent advice.
You sound on a good path now. Well done. Xxx

Sounds like the old fashioned shot gun wedding. Shes well shot of the mummies boy.

Consider using a court-approved parenting app like Our Family Wizard. It means you won't have to take endless screenshot and it can be used as evidence. It does text, calls and video calls - all recorded and not erasable.

This!

Also this.

So glad you reached out!! You’re a star!!

Unblocking them is proving the best thing! They’re unhinged! An affair🤯 3 weeks PP, following a major operation, with a brand new baby? They’re mental! Sounds Like MIL (Monster In Law) is projecting. Keep everything OP, keep going❤️ your future is going to be so so much better! You have an entire Mumsnet army rooting for you here ❤️

They are seriously unhinged! They are clutching at straws to make you the bad guy but are just showing themselves up as utterly deluded with a side order of cruelty.

Any concerns about the wellbeing of your baby are so far from their minds as to be totally non-existent and you have so much evidence of their lies and their harassment of a newly post-partum mum that any legal action they may decide to take will be laughed out of court.