to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

[timetoban]

My sister has four children: an 6-year-old, a 5-year-old and 2-year-old twins.
The older two are easy visitors. They tend to sit quietly, chat a bit and spend a lot of time on their screens. The twins, however, are typical two-year-olds. They run around, make noise, have the occasional tantrum and create a bit of mess.
DM is very house-proud and likes everything neat, tidy and pristine.

She has become increasingly irritated by the twins whenever they visit. She complains that they don't sit nicely, don't behave properly and are too noisy. Personally, I think her expectations of two-year-olds are unrealistic.

The latest development is that she has told DSis that the twins are no longer welcome at her house. She says DSis can bring the older two, but not the younger ones.

The problem is that DSis's husband works long hours and isn't always available to stay home with the twins. So in practice, this means DSis often can't visit at all, or has to choose between seeing DM and staying with her younger children.

DM says it's her house and she's entitled to decide who comes into it. DSis feels hurt that two of her children have effectively been singled out and excluded.

she has just chosen not to want to spend time with twin toddlers

You mean banned the twin toddlers from her home?

The grandmother wants them on screens. She gives them screens.

She gives them screens so they don't interrupt her conversation?!? WTAF.

She sounds absolutely vile, I'm so sorry @timetoban. If I were your DSIS I would take this as the perfect opportunity to end the relationship entirely - she can simply say that if her twins aren't welcome then she won't be able to visit. The end.

Tbh Id rather have visiting kids (of any age) playing, running about/games/activities than glued to screens
But…. All siblings visit or none at all.

Absolutely this but let’s also remember that she doesn’t have a relationship with the other two grandchildren either. She tolerates them by giving them screens. It’s not as if she’s actually engaging with the older two just by letting them cross the threshold.

On the plus side, these kids have a loving set of grandparents from the other side of the family. This woman will have to accept that she will see her adult daughter a couple of times a year child free (which is probably the amount of time a mother of four young children can afford in time).

Its the same thing ultimately but if you want to use emotive language, you go for it. She presumably didn’t sit the twins down and tell them they were banned from ever crossing her threshold ever again.

So why is your sister letting this happen? Is it because it gives her a break from the older ones? You said she has her hands full with all four of them

This l agree

How long do the children visit for ? If it's a normal visit of a couple of hours then she's being unreasonable. If it's a daily visit where Dsis let's the toddlers run wild for hours then I can understand .

It’s great so many people would enjoy spending a couple of hours with two toddlers. But the mother doesn’t. I don’t see what anyone has done wrong.

Would you prefer her to just put up with it until it’s too much and she shouts at the kids? She’s struggling to tolerate them for whatever reason

I mean, absolutely. As long as she doesn’t complain when she sees nothing of a daughter and - this is a big one - she isn’t going to expect care from her daughter in her old age. Either it’s a supportive family who help each other out or it’s a selfish heavily boundaried family who please themselves. The mother can’t have it both ways.

I’m sure she won’t expect anything.

She clearly doesn’t want a relationship with the children and that is fine. It’s a shame she can’t see her adult children but presumably she’s considered that before ‘banning’ the toddlers

If I were your DSis I would stop visiting then. Young children are noisy and can be messy and your DSis can mitigate this by taking the kids to the park first to wear them out and bring some toys to keep the kids amused but I get that will be difficult for 4 children especially with 2 year olds. If DM cannot cope with the noise at DSis house then she will need to accept she may not often see them.

Except that OP has stated quite clearly that her DM does want to be visited. So she does, in fact, expect that. It's just that she wants to see her grown-up children without their children being present. So the cost of not wanting any kind of relationship with her GC is that she is unlikely to have much of a relationship with her own DC either.

Well it sounds like she wasn’t a great mum so won’t be a great grandma either. When my grandchildren come the place looks like a bomb has exploded as they go from painting to baking to playing with Barbie’s or Lego. It does not take long to clear up and gives their parents a break so we are relaxed with the mess and noise. We have had them over from when they were babies. Your DM does not sound like she is bothered about fostering relationships with the GC if she either wants them on screens or sitting quietly. That is impossible with 2 year olds. If she normally leads a quiet life she obviously finds that noise from young children is too much for her to cope with. Inevitably that will mean fewer visits so she will have to be ok with that and tell her why.

I’m sure she’s worked that out - the situation is clearly bad enough for her to decide it’s worth doing

No because the two year old twins wouldn't understand. Their mum was told the twins were banned (DM's words so she is choosing the emotive language).

Once a week for 2 hours.

She does expect to be looked after.

Why do you keep talking like you know her? It's bizarre.

I was being facetious about sitting the twins down 🙄 It sounds like the best thing all round

Dear Mum

Fuck off you miserable bat. You have four grandchildren. You dont get to choose just two.

Have a nice life.

Yours sincerely
MotherOfNormalToddlerTwins

As do the people agreeing with you but I guess that it is okay .

You are determined not to hear another side to this and that’s fine too.

You can’t do anything about the situation so perhaps it’s time to accept it.