AIBU to expect boys in ladies' changing rooms not to stare?

[MoreNewThings]

I’m prepared to be told I’m over-reacting, unreasonable, etc.

Should mothers who bring their sons into a female changing room teach their boys not to stare at the women in there?

Scenario is a small-ish sports centre. There’s one changing room per sex, for all sports except swimming. One mother is there every week with two boys, helping them get changed for their sport. The younger one looks about 7, so probably needs the help. The older boy is about 9 or 10, and doesn’t need help. I get why she brings him in to the ladies. But he stares at the two adult women who are usually getting changed at the same time. I find it disconcerting, even though he’s only a kid. There are often little girls there too after their class, but it’s just the adult women he seems to stare at.

Today it was just the older boy there, but she still brought him into the female room even though he didn’t need help. The other woman tried to go slightly round the corner, and he shifted around so he could still see her. Mother was on her phone and oblivious.

Then another boy about 8 came in, with mother and sisters. He just sat and stared at me the whole time. I was pissed off by this point and gave him my evil glare but he kept staring.

I’m not sure why it makes me uncomfortable as they are only kids, but they are male kids having a good ogle at the adult female form, and no-one seems to be explaining that staring is rude. Or that as males in a female space they should be as unobtrusive as possible.

So the AIBU is, should the mothers teach the boys not to ogle women? In addition, should I speak to the mothers? And what would I say?

YABU - get over yourself, they’re just kids.

YANBU - yes, the mothers should be teaching their sons to respect women’s boundaries.

The male changing rooms in my local gym have posts on reddit for being a gay hookup site, its the only swimming facility I can take my kids to, (there's a council one but its filthy and costs 4x as much) so fcuk yes my 8 year old son changes with me and his sister and the only time i've ever seen him staring in the female changing room was at a naked trans person.

It would have been helpful if you'd disclosed that in the first place. It was quite reasonable for me to assume that you were a woman making assumptions about men's changing rooms. In any case boys, unless they're very young, have no place in a female changing room with women and girls.

What are you on about? In my gym there are clear signs on the door saying that boys over 7 are not permitted in the women's changing room.

I belong to David Lloyd,8 is the upper age limit for boys in the female changing room.But at our club there is a family changing room.

Excuse me??? I didn't reply to you. Stop being a bloody drama queen.

I can comment on someone's reply to someone else if I wish. You don't really have much idea about civil discourse, seemingly.

Although it would make me uncomfortable to be stared at I do think that the safety of children is a higher priority than my discomfort. Being stared at by a kid would not traumatise me for life whereas a sexual assault on a child would change their life forever.

I do and I am embarrassed by my post. I'm very sorry and hope you can forgive, IV had an emotionally draining few weeks.

Apology noted.

That is a satisfactory outcome, thanks

YANBU BUT…as mum of a little boy I would not be sending them alone into a men’s changing room even at 10. I feel like that’s asking a potential predator to spot a pattern and take advantage, even if just to look at them. If they were my boys I absolutely would be taking them into a little changing area (you know how sometimes there are 2 or 3 little spaces with lockable doors?) and I would be hyper aware or respecting your space and privacy. A 10 year old boy is definitely aware that we have different bodies - even my 3 year old laughs that I have boobies (I breastfeed my 1 year old year old so an unavoidable subject!).
I’d ask the mum to be respectful of others privacy but I probably wouldn’t approach management (yet) as she may be really reasonable once you mention it and if you get the kids barred from the changing rooms then either they all lose an activity they love doing as a family or you place the kids (unsupervised) in the men’s room and at risk of others.

Thanks. This is something I've noticed quite a bit.

Americans think of Brits as more polite.

But does that mean that you hardly ever stick up for yourselves?

Your little boy is three -
(My little boy is now 26 ! ) I remember trying to stop him going into the Mens .
First he went with DH , then when he went for his karate lessons he knew where he was going ( DH met us later at the gym)

I had to send one of the gym staff in the hurry him up as he was lollygagging .

I had all the thoughts going through my head - my son told me that some of the men were naked but it was as natural as saying "He's got a tattoo or he's got a hairy chest" he saw but thought nought of it .
It is a huge leap when you have to trust them.
But my DS would never have gone to the womens when he had it in his head to go to the mens .

But what if girls in the changing room feel unsafe around your son being in there? Why do your feelings trump theirs? What if women feel uncomfortable changing in front of your son?

If you read my post properly, you would have seen that he has SEND

I think there is some naivety from the mothers here. I certainly remember boys late primary making sexulised leery comments to girls.

Remember a twenty something teacher at DDs primary saying she could not use the gym anymore because mothers from her school were bringing their late primary aged sons into the changing room and she taught them.

Well, this was a hypothetical for me as my council leisure centre is family changing village, however a leisure centre is not a beach and the staff may have their own view on poolside changing as it potentially exposes the child to everyone, ‘large towel’ or not. My council leisure centre doesn’t even allow bags poolside so I’m pretty sure they’d not be on board with this. Can’t remember about David Lloyd as it was so long back but I am glad I didn’t have to negotiate this as the years 8-11 would have been tricky.

Yes I'm waiting too .

Let me tell you the vast majority of boys start making sexualised comments to the girls from about 8/9. You’d be shocked at the things DD and her friends have had said to them from about year 4 from their classmates…..
They’ve got 0 business being in the female changing room. If their mothers feel they need help, they must used disabled. Otherwise stand outside the doors and ask if they’re OK periodically just like the men do with their daughters from around 6!!!

Or change at home. Anything but be in the women’s that is not an acceptable solution.

I certainly don’t take my 10yo into the womens! I take my 7yo. I think parents should ask them not to stare but it is hard to make curious kids follow that, the bottom line here is he’s too old to be in the women’s change rooms. It’s probably good for them to see real women to be honest but the women don’t owe them that education. I’d be pretty surprised if there isn’t a policy.

I’m totally not threatened by children. I recognise they need to be kept safe from random pervy cis men in changing rooms by being supervised by a parent. I always use a changing cubicle at the pool. Job done. It’s no more weird for a 7 year old boy to stare at your old knockers if you get them out publicly than a 7 year old girl. No one should be staring at anyone really, but children are still learning these things. I definitely wouldn’t be shouting “don’t stare at that lady’s old knockers, Bobby!” But I would expect you to show some modesty around children, even girl children and use private changing facilities if you’re getting naked. I do.

PP saying you would bring your 9+yo boys into the women's, how would you feel if you then had a girl?

I gather from my 12yo DS that it's not unusual for girls to start their periods when I junior school now. How does your son's right trump theirs to being in a (largely) female-only space?

Same here. But I would use my voice - loudly.

‘Excuse me - but if your son is over 8 he should not be in here. Especially as he is staring at women getting changed.’

If she says/does nothing, I would then add:

’It is your responsibility to make sure he is behaving appropriately and it’s my right to report this to the gym management.’

“Old knockers”, really? What a gross term to use. Women changing in a female changing room is not “getting them out publicly” FFS.