AIBU to expect boys in ladies' changing rooms not to stare?

[MoreNewThings]

I’m prepared to be told I’m over-reacting, unreasonable, etc.

Should mothers who bring their sons into a female changing room teach their boys not to stare at the women in there?

Scenario is a small-ish sports centre. There’s one changing room per sex, for all sports except swimming. One mother is there every week with two boys, helping them get changed for their sport. The younger one looks about 7, so probably needs the help. The older boy is about 9 or 10, and doesn’t need help. I get why she brings him in to the ladies. But he stares at the two adult women who are usually getting changed at the same time. I find it disconcerting, even though he’s only a kid. There are often little girls there too after their class, but it’s just the adult women he seems to stare at.

Today it was just the older boy there, but she still brought him into the female room even though he didn’t need help. The other woman tried to go slightly round the corner, and he shifted around so he could still see her. Mother was on her phone and oblivious.

Then another boy about 8 came in, with mother and sisters. He just sat and stared at me the whole time. I was pissed off by this point and gave him my evil glare but he kept staring.

I’m not sure why it makes me uncomfortable as they are only kids, but they are male kids having a good ogle at the adult female form, and no-one seems to be explaining that staring is rude. Or that as males in a female space they should be as unobtrusive as possible.

So the AIBU is, should the mothers teach the boys not to ogle women? In addition, should I speak to the mothers? And what would I say?

YABU - get over yourself, they’re just kids.

YANBU - yes, the mothers should be teaching their sons to respect women’s boundaries.

I would absolutely hate this as well.

Yanbu- I always told the kids to not look at people because they wouldn’t want someone looking at them

I think they’re too old to be there.

I’ve noticed when boys are brought into the ladies changing rooms, the women in there scatter and go to cubicles or toilets.

People generally seem to feel quite uncomfortable with it unless the children are very young.

The gym should be telling her it’s not appropriate at that age, perhaps pass the message on to them.

Complain to the Management before you enter the Ladies area. Boys obviously over 7 should never be in the Ladies changing areas.

Most places have a rule of no kids over the age of 8 in opposite sex changing rooms. I’d ask your place what their policy is

As PP my local pool doesn’t allow boys 8 and older into the women’s changing rooms. You should raise it with the centre.

YANBU. When DS was still coming into changing rooms with me I would always tell him not to look at people when they’re getting dressed. I do the same with DD and she’s only 3. It gives me the creeps when kids (who aren’t babies) are looking at me!

The older boy should not be in there, period. I suppose now someone is going to say that the men’s changing room is full of child molesters, so women need to just put up with boys on the verge of puberty staring at their naked bodies. 🙄

I mean of course YANBU but I'd say the same if the children were girls staring at the women too. No one should be staring, eeew. This is why I do not change in public places.

From a 4 years old when I needed to change my little boy in the girls changing room at his swimming lessons (in a school so only kids changing) I taught him to give everyone their privacy. There were other boys in there of various ages staring and I made a point of saying "look this way, give everyone privacy" in the hope other parents followed suit. Some did, others were oblivious.

I agree their mothers should be dealing with this.

No one should be staring at other people in a changing room, of course! It also sounds like those boys are too old to be in a female space, that's ok for little boys but not at that age I'd have said.

Thanks for replies so far. I hadn't considered that the gym should have a policy for this. I've never been aware of one if it exists, but will make a point of finding out. I'd rather not speak to the mother of the two boys as we're actually doing the same sport in the same class and I don't want to make it awkward.

8 seems a reasonable age for a threshold.

I came expecting to say that youre being unreasonable but I dont think you are!

10 is too old, thats puberty age.

Absolutely they need to know about boundaries, of their own bodies and others too. The age you describe is definitely old enough to understand this.

I take my 8 year old grandson swimming and he obviously needs to come into the changing rooms with me. There are only 2-3 cubicles in the changing rooms, but we always use them to give everyone privacy. He covers his eyes when walking through the changing room if a woman is getting changed (his decision, I don't ask him to do this). He does also tell people not to look at his body if the cubicles are engaged and we have to use the main changing area and someone comes into our space. He has special needs, so he is never unobtrusive, everyone knows when he is around (in a nice way), but he is always respectful and knows boundaries/appropriate behaviour.

They shouldn’t be in there at all. Cut off is 8, so the older lad should be in the men’s. Frankly, on the basis of safety in numbers, I’d be sending the 7yo with his big brother.

I would complain.

You should be raising this issue with the management of the centre.
It's not acceptable to have boys of that age in the female changing area.

That's one of the reasons I've not said anything! Although my sons used to do the same sport and they used the men's room with no problem so I guess that would be my comeback.

.....so women need to just put up with boys on the verge of puberty staring at their naked bodies

And not just the women. What about 8-9-10 yr old girls? They don't want boys who might be bigger than them in their space.

So you think that young boys should be sent into the men's changing room on their own? Don't you think that's risky?

If your dgs is 8, but needs to change with an adult because of his SEN, you should be using the disabled space with him.

8 is the usual cut off age.

So there isn't a mixed sex changing area or a family change area OP?

That doesn't change the fact that he shouldn't be staring at you. I just wondered if this the reason she was bringing her DS into the ladies was because she didn't think it was safe for him to get undressed on his own with full-grown men and no adult parent. I can sympathise with not wanting a relatively young boy to use the male changing rooms on his own at that age so really, there should be a family change option.

I'm quite sensitive to this as I have a 16 yr old DS (and his DD twin sister). DS is autistic and absolutely incapable of going into a changing room on his own. We have to make sure there are areas with mixed sex changing rooms or else we can't go unless DP is with us. It's really hard as there are a surprising number of places that simply don't offer facilities that work if the carer is a different sex!

I'm absolutely in favour of single sex spaces. I just wonder if someone needs to make the point to the centre that there's clearly a need for family change facilities because at present, the choice seems to be between women having their dignity sacrificed or a youngish child* being sent to change on their own.

*Some 9 or even 10 yr olds can still be very young for their age - might not need help changing but still wouldn't be safe on their own.

When DS was younger, the rule at swimming lessons / pool was no opposite sex children over the age of 6. Strictly enforced. In fact, DS (as a very tall child) ended up having to change (or rather strip off his outer layers) in the men’s changing rooms from 5.

Of course they shouldn’t be staring and if it’s making you feel uncomfortable you should say something. 10 does feel very old for a child to require their parents help and hence potentially be in a different sex changing room. It’s strictly 8 at ours.

I’m not sure how I feel though about the way you have framed these boys staring at you as ‘a male ogling at the female form’. I think that’s verging on connotations that probably aren’t there - they are kids after all, especially the 7 and 8 yo. They would likely do the same in the male changing room as well.

I think, if/when you call it out with the parents, keep it to respecting other people’s privacy and autonomy broadly. Challenging the lack of an age cut off for men in women’s spaces probably should be reserved for management.

I agree.
Once he's 9 take him into a disabled cubicle or unisex cubicle, if they are not available wear swimshorts & dryrobe on top and do not enter the ladies. If he has SEN and there are no facilities ask to use the first aid room. They should accommodate the need.
Girls getting changed do not want boys in the room.

He's too old to be in there and I'd complain. I'd also say something at the time and wouldn't care about any awkwardness.