AIBU to expect boys in ladies' changing rooms not to stare?

[MoreNewThings]

I’m prepared to be told I’m over-reacting, unreasonable, etc.

Should mothers who bring their sons into a female changing room teach their boys not to stare at the women in there?

Scenario is a small-ish sports centre. There’s one changing room per sex, for all sports except swimming. One mother is there every week with two boys, helping them get changed for their sport. The younger one looks about 7, so probably needs the help. The older boy is about 9 or 10, and doesn’t need help. I get why she brings him in to the ladies. But he stares at the two adult women who are usually getting changed at the same time. I find it disconcerting, even though he’s only a kid. There are often little girls there too after their class, but it’s just the adult women he seems to stare at.

Today it was just the older boy there, but she still brought him into the female room even though he didn’t need help. The other woman tried to go slightly round the corner, and he shifted around so he could still see her. Mother was on her phone and oblivious.

Then another boy about 8 came in, with mother and sisters. He just sat and stared at me the whole time. I was pissed off by this point and gave him my evil glare but he kept staring.

I’m not sure why it makes me uncomfortable as they are only kids, but they are male kids having a good ogle at the adult female form, and no-one seems to be explaining that staring is rude. Or that as males in a female space they should be as unobtrusive as possible.

So the AIBU is, should the mothers teach the boys not to ogle women? In addition, should I speak to the mothers? And what would I say?

YABU - get over yourself, they’re just kids.

YANBU - yes, the mothers should be teaching their sons to respect women’s boundaries.

You shouldnt be bringing your GS into the ladies for goodness sake! He has the awareness himself to know it is wrong!!! Thats why he covers his eyes. Not only are you making the women and girls uncomfortable but you are making him uncomfortable too. He is of the age where he wants privacy from females. You are exposing him to boobs and privates and hes not comfortable!

Ask for a family change area or send him to the mens.

If the male child has disabilities then they can use the disabled facility or the mother can enter the male changing room as their caregiver. She doesnt get to brush aside every other womans dignity

Thats no excuse. If he needs assistance with changing then you need to go into the mens with him and wear your own swimwear under your clothes.

A family friend’s grandson was attacked in a toilet and that has shaped my opinions on this. Feeling uncomfortable is transient and nothing compared to what that boy has had to live with. I wasn’t going to give this example as it is so upsetting to think about but since so many people are taking a hard line on this I wanted to share that experience. Obviously the ideal situation is more family changing and then everyone will be happy.

Do do not try to prove a point by quoting the least percentage or the lone incident.

Most (not all) SA assaults are carried out by males.
Females do not like to undress/walk about naked with any males around (young or old).
Certain aged opposite sex people must not be in single sex changing areas at all.

I think this is agreed generally.

Also, we females, do not, in general, like single sex toilets.

In Europe there is a more lax attitude to all of this in general.

This would infuriate me too OP. I used to take my 10 year-old daughter and my 8 year-old son for swimming lessons and my daughter liked to change in the ladies changing rooms (communal) while I accompanied my son to the family changing (all cubicles). Although usually I was able to stand outside and let him get on with it.

Whenever I went into the women’s to hurry up DD, there was always male children in there. I always used to say something to their clueless mothers, as it just wasn’t acceptable or necessary. Also raised it with the staff.

Being naked in the context of a changing room is not 'flashing'.

@Walig54what do you mean we don’t like single sex toilets? Who are you to say this? All surveys say the absolute opposite! Women prefer single sex facilities by a huge percentage

I would speak to the mother.

From the sound of it, the older boy is definitely ogling. At 10, he'll be close to or even at puberty and will be very aware of the female form.

Sorry meant to say toilets used by both sexes.

I belong to a quite expensive and well-known gym chain. Lots of Yummy Mummies in there and definitely the same situation with women bringing their sons into the ladies changing room. I find it annoying at the very least and at best find it intrusive and embarrassing. In short I hate boys being in an area where I want to have privacy. There are areas in our changing rooms that should be for adults only, but sadly this is often ignored, especially at busy times.

It depends on age. I wouldn't care about being seen by a very young boy of toddler age but an older one most definitely.

I resent the la k of privacy but when I complained was shut down you need to have a talk with mums

The interesting thing to me in this is wondering where do children get to see a variety of adult bodies. There's nothing generally wrong with people wearing modest underwear being seen by children. (Yes, many specific circs where this would be wrong). Are these boys staring because they have no reference for what adult bodies look like? Are children encountering porn to the exclusion of ever seeing partially clothed bodies in other contexts?

And yes, in communal changing areas no one should be staring and children should be taught to keep their eyes to themselves.

I think he is too old to be allowed in there, its completely unacceptable. The venue should not allow this at all. 9 or 10 years old, where females are literally naked?? Wtf?? I would definitely complain to the venue. I'd threaten to report the situation as a safeguarding issue ie safeguarding the child in terms of them being exposed to naked women, but I'd do this in order to get to an outcome where I wasn't being expected to strip off in front of a 10 year old boy. Fuck that.

Our local sports centre/pool is no child over 8.
bring this up with the complex and ask that they stick to it!
my 7yo does go in to female changing if I’m with him but we’re prepping him for the change of next yr where he’ll have to go himself, no excuse with a 9/10yo imo

You’re disgusting! Throw an onesie over him and take him home to shower if there’s no separate space.
Don’t infringe on women’s rights for privacy.

Another entitled male being raised oblivious to the needs of women.

They’re both too old to be in the changing room with their mum .
They ought to be in the male changing room getting ready / changed back into their clothes.
ok maybe one of them will drop a towel on the wet floor or whatever but they’ll learn

Before I had kids, I had the same view I do now: I would not have questioned a pre-teen boy getting changed in the women’s changing room with his mum, rather than being sent alone into the men’s changing room, sadly not a safe space.

At my gym, lots of women bring their young sons in, and we are talking about pre-puberty children here. Personally, I have never felt uncomfortable about it, and I have never heard any one have any issue either. The children are just getting changed with their parent and minding their own business.

There is also an adults-only section for anyone who feels uncomfortable, which I think is a fair option. I also would not be walking around naked in front of other people anyway, child or not.

I understand people have different comfort levels, but I do think it is quite a strange stance when we are talking about young children who still need parental supervision.

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