AIBU to expect boys in ladies' changing rooms not to stare?

[MoreNewThings]

I’m prepared to be told I’m over-reacting, unreasonable, etc.

Should mothers who bring their sons into a female changing room teach their boys not to stare at the women in there?

Scenario is a small-ish sports centre. There’s one changing room per sex, for all sports except swimming. One mother is there every week with two boys, helping them get changed for their sport. The younger one looks about 7, so probably needs the help. The older boy is about 9 or 10, and doesn’t need help. I get why she brings him in to the ladies. But he stares at the two adult women who are usually getting changed at the same time. I find it disconcerting, even though he’s only a kid. There are often little girls there too after their class, but it’s just the adult women he seems to stare at.

Today it was just the older boy there, but she still brought him into the female room even though he didn’t need help. The other woman tried to go slightly round the corner, and he shifted around so he could still see her. Mother was on her phone and oblivious.

Then another boy about 8 came in, with mother and sisters. He just sat and stared at me the whole time. I was pissed off by this point and gave him my evil glare but he kept staring.

I’m not sure why it makes me uncomfortable as they are only kids, but they are male kids having a good ogle at the adult female form, and no-one seems to be explaining that staring is rude. Or that as males in a female space they should be as unobtrusive as possible.

So the AIBU is, should the mothers teach the boys not to ogle women? In addition, should I speak to the mothers? And what would I say?

YABU - get over yourself, they’re just kids.

YANBU - yes, the mothers should be teaching their sons to respect women’s boundaries.

My 9 year old DS would be mortified to be in a women's changing room. I wouldn't let him go to a men's alone either tho - always with DS14 or XH.

No males over the age of 8 should be in the female area and even that is stretching it. I'm sure a 7 year old can dress themselves. I would speak with management.

It's the male changing room and they are males. What's risky about it?

No boys over 7 allowed in the female changing room at my gym / pool.

So there isn't a mixed sex changing area or a family change area OP?

@SpidersAreShitheads , no only at the poolside changing area which is strictly for swimmers only. It's not something a parent would generally be aware of, but the walls between the male and female changing are quite thin and you can hear conversations sometimes. I used to go back into the ladies changing and yell through the wall to my sons to hurry up!

But I'm not sure if that's a reasonable argument to make.

Love your username, BTW!

Do the kids have additional needs. I can’t work out why anyone would take kids this age into the female changing rooms, they are more than able to go into the men’s change and wait for her. Are you sure they are ogling and not just staring, ogling indicates it’s sexual which is not usual for an 8 year old. Not impossible, but really not the norm,

That’s what I think, by using the words ogling the female form the op has made this sexual and I’m just feeling uncomfortable she’s indicating an 8 year old or even a 10 year was sexually interested in her. But hopefully she will confirm.
’staring and curious is one thing and very different to ogling.

Op this is what ogling means

“Ogling means staring at someone in a way that shows strong, often inappropriate or unwanted sexual interest, curiosity, or admiration. It typically implies a lewd or intense, prolonged look that can make the recipient feel uncomfortable”

did you use the right word?

The policy in my gym is older than 8 they need to go in same sex changing rooms. So I have until he turns 9. I have never noticed a disabled changing area before, but hopefully they have one! It would be pretty appaling if they don't, so fingers crossed.

I retract the word 'ogling'!

Having lived through the more sexist eras, I'm accustomed to the male gaze as something with intent, rightly or wrongly. Despite the fact that we're talking about kids, the feeling is the same even if the intent isn't.

These boys are I are attending the same class and they don't stare in class, just in the changing room where we are down to bra and pants.

Kids definitely don't have additional needs.

Come on now, we all know that men don't just sexually assault females. Predatory males target young boys, especially if they are prepubescent.

I'm completely in favour of single sex spaces and I don't think that boys of 9 should be in with the women but I can understand a parent being concerned.

But the parents of the boys need to petition the centre to provide family or mixed sex facilities - women's changing rooms aren't a refuge for anyone who feels at risk.

I think OP has used the correct word. If he was staring inappropriately and making her feel uncomfortable, what word would you prefer?

Not sure what “ogling” vs “staring” has to do with it. A 10 year old boy does NOT belong in female changing rooms, regardless of whether he is “ogling” or “staring” at women and girls.

Your grandson is a gentleman. I think that even 8 is a bit old. Talking as a man, if I'd been taken by my mum into the ladies changing room at 8 I would have died.

10 is WAY too old...That's actually abuse in itself... sorry but you stand outside of the door carrying on talking to them and then make sure they are ok that way

I agree.

My 6 year old DS would get a swift and firm reminder about the importance of privacy if I caught him staring at anyone in the group changing room (which we often have to use due to toddler). I would also be absolutely fine with someone asking him to stop looking if I hadn’t noticed.

I do however feel very uncomfortable about the thought of someone considering this to be ‘ogling’ from pre pubescent boys.

I wouldn’t care if they’re curious either!

The changing rooms aren’t a space for ten year old boys to learn about female bodies.

I’m a single mum to two boys. They went into the men’s changing room form when they each turned 8. Why wouldn’t they? They don’t belong in the women’s changing room. At 8, they were both taller than me too. Totally inappropriate for them to be changing next to the girls in their swimming and sports classes at that age.

My husband was definitely getting interested in the concept of sex by the time he was nine, and started masturbating semi-regularly when he was ten. (And no, before anyone asks, he wasn’t going through precocious puberty - he was a regular boy with a normal level of physical development.) It’s entirely possible that the older boy in this situation is staring because women’s naked bodies are of sexual interest to him. He’s a young boy, but he’s not a little kid.

She hasn’t, ogling means sexual intent.

the boys are staring, it’s highly unlikely it’s with sexual lewd intent.

My DS used to do this when he was a toddler and didn't know better, I taught him you keep your eyes to yourself when people are changing. By 10 they absolutely know not to look

Utterly fed up of boys in women's changing rooms.
For god's sake give us some space from your kids who can dress themselves.

In primary school, they separate boys and girls for changing into PE kit from Year 3 onwards.

The mother is the problem. She should notice and address the behaviour. And the facility should provide appropriate family change cubicles for this reason.

I wouldn't send my 7 year old into male changing rooms alone, I work with sex offenders. Men are not only a risk to women.

I do take him into family change and if the pool didn't have that I'd just throw a onesie on him and shower at home

Goodness, who cares if there’s sexual intent or not? Why should ANY woman or girl have to tolerate being stared at by a male in a female changing room??