AIBU to expect boys in ladies' changing rooms not to stare?

[MoreNewThings]

I’m prepared to be told I’m over-reacting, unreasonable, etc.

Should mothers who bring their sons into a female changing room teach their boys not to stare at the women in there?

Scenario is a small-ish sports centre. There’s one changing room per sex, for all sports except swimming. One mother is there every week with two boys, helping them get changed for their sport. The younger one looks about 7, so probably needs the help. The older boy is about 9 or 10, and doesn’t need help. I get why she brings him in to the ladies. But he stares at the two adult women who are usually getting changed at the same time. I find it disconcerting, even though he’s only a kid. There are often little girls there too after their class, but it’s just the adult women he seems to stare at.

Today it was just the older boy there, but she still brought him into the female room even though he didn’t need help. The other woman tried to go slightly round the corner, and he shifted around so he could still see her. Mother was on her phone and oblivious.

Then another boy about 8 came in, with mother and sisters. He just sat and stared at me the whole time. I was pissed off by this point and gave him my evil glare but he kept staring.

I’m not sure why it makes me uncomfortable as they are only kids, but they are male kids having a good ogle at the adult female form, and no-one seems to be explaining that staring is rude. Or that as males in a female space they should be as unobtrusive as possible.

So the AIBU is, should the mothers teach the boys not to ogle women? In addition, should I speak to the mothers? And what would I say?

YABU - get over yourself, they’re just kids.

YANBU - yes, the mothers should be teaching their sons to respect women’s boundaries.

Absolutely. No boy of that age should in the women’s- mine would have been taken home to change if they couldn’t have changed in the men’s.

I’m sorry I missed that.

My gym has a women’s changing room with one cubicle. All the rest is communal space. There is family changing and I would expect anyone to use it if they feel strongly that they don’t want to see naked women in the changing room.

I’m not prancing about in the nude, but I am also not going to scurry off and hide in case someone sees me.

Exactly. It’s not difficult to explain the concept of privacy when people are getting changed/dressed.

Why was the mother on her phone 🙄

No one should have their phone out in a changing room 🙄.

YANBU at all. My 5 year old boy knows not to stare! My 3 year old girl is still in stare and point phase (she does it while smiling at me knowing she's not allowed to... she's a handful!)

I do wonder what I'll do when my boy grows up a bit. Our club (DL) only has male or female changing rooms and it seem v scary sending a very slight 9 year old boy into the men's.

In that case campaign for a family room. What is your club's age policy on boys in female facilities?

Gosh, this is a bit of a minefield! To answer your initial question (without reading further), yes, mother's who bring their sons (daughters too) into a female changing room SHOULD teach their boys/girls not to stare at the women in there.

I would assume its for ease, as in one mother two sons, one mother, daughter and one son etc its easier to all be together, regardless of age.

BUT teaching should begin at home.

Kids will be looking, mostly out of boredom.

Sometimes you need to take a call etc but that doesn't, in my opinion, give licence to lax parenting around personal space in a changing room.

Probably the best time to ever hand over the phone/tablet for everyone's comfort.

Interesting replies, thank you.

I'm not afraid to speak up, I just wanted to check I wouldn't be unreasonable to do so, and the voting and comments suggest I won't be. I'm also not very tactful at times and didn't want to upset the mother, as her sons attend the same class as I do and I don't want to cause any friction there. Hence the "what would I say" question.

As previously said, no-one is getting naked in this scenario, I've never noticed anyone go beyond their underwear, so I'm definitely not getting my decrepit old knockers out!

Interesting too the different views about whether boys of that kind of age are ogling or just curious. Either way, it's uncomfortable to be on the receiving end.

it's easier to all be together, regardless of age

Use a family room then. Someone's family convenience doesn't entitle them to bring older boys into female changing rooms.

@ilovesooty8. So I have a bit of time before I have to worry!

I wouldn’t care if an 8 year old boy watched me get changed but my 3 daughters would have cared a lot when they were 8. Some 8 year old girls are in early puberty and need single-sex spaces and privacy.

As always on these threads there are some posters who feel if they don’t care, no one should, blithely giving the away the rights to privacy of these boys’ female classmates.

I said something about this, it was at least 20 years ago and I saw the woman every week. I just said "Stop starring at me, it's rude" , his mum snapped back "He's not a pervert, he's a little boy" and I just laughed and said "So tell your little boy to stop starring at women getting chnaged"
She went in a cubicle with him after that
Females needs to worry more about safety and respect for women and girls than being liked.

Nobody should be staring, I constantly have to remind DD who stares at everyone. Young boy in the changing room is fine, my club is very family friendly and there are often quite tall boys in the ladies. Luckily my DS is very short for his age too 🤣🤣

When DS has insisted on going in the mens ive ended up going in as well to help. If you join a family club, there will be kids

I didn't say in the post to send them in with pedophiles. Gosh MumsNet can be hyperbolic at times.

The boys could use a family change room, the disabled change room or another area. When my boys were that age they just took their rashies off but left their bather bottoms on, towelled off poolside, and popped a hoodie on to go to the car.

My club is family friendly which is why there is a family changing room. You have no right to go into male facilities.

So if you’d got a daughter who wanted to go in the women’s and your partner/husbant was taking her, you’d think it was acceptable for him to take her into the female facilities? If not, why not? Don’t you think your presence might make men uncomfortable?

It’s the same as with all ‘male / female facilities’ scenarios. The wish to keep male children safe from adult males must never trump the right of all females - children and adults - to have privacy in a space labelled single sex.

If you, as a female, want to keep your male children with you to get changed, then you need to ask the provider of the facility for a suitable family changing area. Or if you are worried about the safety of your child in male changing rooms, then you need to ask the facility to staff / supervise those facilities appropriately to ensure safety.

It is not your right to demand that mid primary age or older female children must share female changing rooms with their male classmates, or indeed that any female must share female changing rooms with any male old enough to dress and undress themselves.

For all the people saying "they are kids", I have dealt with or been aware of too many cases of CSA by 9-10 year olds going after much smaller children. Without parental guidance on not staring, and in our pornified culture, those 'kids' are being brought up inappropriately.

Unacceptable if they are over 5 or 6- they don't need help, so why are they in there? l'd complain.

Curious if everyone sees the problem as presence or staring? I bring my 4 year old in to the women's changing room, though have already started teaching him about keeping eyes down to give privacy.

There's no family / disabled changing rooms at our leisure centre, and I can't imagine being comfortable sending him in to a room of strange men. For those of you with 8 up kids, what do you do?

Presence. Obviously I don't have a problem with a 4 year old.

However your centre's failure to provide appropriate facilities doesn't mean that women and girls should have to accommodate boys in the female changing room.

How is it relevant that you used to be a leisure centre worker?

I've been in the men's changing rooms many times and there's always at least 1 man walking around naked.

@OtterlyAstounding And in female changing rooms, there are naked women? It's a changing room.

How many children are sexually assaulted by women?

As long as they're not doing anything weird or perverted, like ogling the boys, I don't see what's wrong with that?

You don't see an issue with old men flashing children?

Yes, several people acting like a nine- or ten-year-old boy isn’t old enough to be thinking of, gasp, S-E-X. Though some of them may not be at that stage yet, getting interested in the concept of sex is normal for a boy that age, and I would have thought everyone knew that.