AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

YANBU at all - you sound like a lovely step-mum, and one that wants the right boundaries in place. He, on the other hand, is looking for a carer for his child who he doesn't want to parent properly, in short he is trying to get you to do his job for him. Honestly, he won't change, I'd run, it won't work out for you in my opinion, I'm sorry to be blunt.

You are very honest about your feelings towards his child, and the sad thing is, that you would probably have a really nice relationship with him on that basis. It is entirely unreasonable of your partner to lay down the law about what you should and shouldn’t be doing. If you are going to continue your relationship, you need to be clear and firm about your boundaries and his parental responsibilities..

You absolutely know you’re not being unreasonable, don’t you, @Theworldonfire? I think there’s unanimity on the thread - you need to run for the hills. Better now than after you’ve married him. Good luck with disentangling yourself from this situation.

Every single thread about step parenting I read nowadays. People can’t wait to jump on with ‘nanny with a fanny’ with absolute glee. Any opportunity to put down step mothers. It’s not original as this thread clearly demonstrates.

I was going to say that you were doing great managing a nice relationship with his child but good grief OP, the dad is worth running away from.

He shouldn’t be expecting you to become a parent, he is the parent. His child, his responsibility, not because you are serlfish but because he should not be dropping his own responsibilities on you. I can assure that even if you did everything as he wanted, he will be the first to remind you you are not their mother at the slightest disagreement you have with him.

Dont wait for him to erode your boundaries, run while you still can, you were not made to become what they wanted to be, to lose your freedom or yourself in the process.

As a stepmother I don’t see it like that at all. There are undoubtedly men who, consciously or not, see it that way.

Run for the hills, he sees you as a mug.

Seriously? A step mother comes on for advice and just gets glib remarks calling her nanny with a fanny. I’m a step parent. I find it disrespectful. That’s just my opinion.

To echo everyone else, this man is marrying you because he wants free childcare. He wants to live the life of a single unencumbered man whilst you do all the unpaid domestic labor and child care.
He's trying to gaslight you into thinking that you are privileged to be his slave.
And this is him on his best behavior, before he's got you trapped into marriage...

He won't marry you. He's your fiance because for a piece of jewellery you have been contracted to parent his child so that he doesn't have to.

Why did he split up from his child's mother?

You sound a lovely step-mum but your fiance sounds like a shit partner.

Get out your running shoes and don't look back.

And don't let your evident affection for your soon-to-be-ex's child stop you saving yourself from what is going to be a giant clusterfuck which is going to be incredibly damaging for you and the child.

I think you're misinterpreting what people are saying when they make that remark. They're not saying that's what a stepmum is, they are criticising her partner for treating her like that.

if you marry him, devote yourself to raising his child and then seperate/divorce/he dies after a few years, you will have zero rights to have time with that child moving forwards. So no,you are not the same as a parent.

Don't kid yourself.

"Nanny with a fanny" nails it.

Agree with PP. I'd be very wary of a partner who 'tells you' how to behave, and even how to feel, in any situation, instead of a discussion where everyone is open to seeing everyone else's viewpoint. Of course he thinks his child is great and it's a privilege for anyone to spend time with them, but most parents know that other people don't feel the same about their children.

I also wonder what the child would think, isn't the point of their contact time to see their dad? It's normal and healthy in a family to spend time one on one in all combinations but I'd expect more one on one time with the child and their biological parent since that's the point of the contact time. And even if they were your bio child, its normal for example to see friends or have appointments when you see them (clearly this might change depending on how often you see them - if it's one weekend a month and you're always out that weekend then I might have a different view, but I doubt this is the case).

It sounds like he is expecting you to treat your stepchild in exactly the same way as you would a biological child but that just isn't realistic or practically possible since they have two parents (assuming their mum is a competent parent). For example if a child has two competent parents then it's not appropriate for the step parent to make decisions about schooling, rules at home, discipline etc. What if your views differed to his, is he happy for you to make rules and then discipline as you see fit if the rules are broken? I doubt it, in these situations the bio parents unreasonably want to have all the control but get the step parent involved in enforcing / doing all the drudge work.

I'd be very very careful about marrying him, and having any other children with him if he doesn't change his views. For example you will be stuck looking after his bio kid for entire school holidays if youre ever off on mat leave, because you're off anyway and that's what you would do if they were your bio child, you'll be doing the school run because you're home anyway with a toddler and you'd have to do it if they were your bio child, you'll have to give the same inheritance etc etc.

You need to sit down and talk through all scenarios about what he actually means and share your views and come to an agreement before marrying him

My strategy as a SM was more of an extra aunt type role. My DSC had / have a decent mother. They needed love and care and attention when with us, but not a second mother. It worked well for us.
My DH did not tell me anything about his expectations, we just worked it out as we went along but he very much took the lead in dealing with any of DSC's needs, never expecting anything of me, rightly so.

I would be very concerned about your DF's remarks and yes, would want to explore them more before marriage.

Absolutely fuck that. You aren't - nor should he want you to be - a replacement parent so he doesnt have to do the whole job himself when the ex isn't picking up the slack.

Nip this in the bud. Yes you can enjoy doing things with his child, and contribute to them having a nice time when with you - but that child is the responsibility ONLY of its parents.

This! My husband was the same...ruined my life

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

Sounds like you’re making every effort. But you’re not the child’s other mum.

Your partner sounds awful. I’d think carefully before you marry him.

You know how it is, those of us who have got the privilege or challenge ñ of becoming step mothers are always the evil stepmother, no matter how hard you try, how much you care for the children, how much they like you or even how much you sacrifice to cover their expenses.

Same applies if you are raising children on your own, my friend is a widow, I’m divorced, we both had our kids years after getting married. We both have been told in mumsnet that we wouldn’t be experienced difficulties if we had “only kept our legs crossed’”.

He’s off his nut if he thinks anyone would look after child fifty percent of the time if their dad dies. It’s actually laughable.

You should be making appointments when his dd is here so they can spend time together without you. That’s a good thing.

If you were my friend I’d be telling you that you shouldn’t marry him.

Doesnt a single man with a toddler ring alarm bells in many cases? Does he also slag off his ex?

OP, I agree with everything said above, but I think you ought to ask him about how he perceives his child’s current or future step dad. If/when his ex has a new partner would he expect this man to always be at home, no appointments or visiting friends when his child is with their mum? Would he expect him to take on whatever he counts as full family responsibilities/love his child like his own ? If the answer is no, then why not? What makes you different to a step dad? If he can see another man being a dad to his child, taking full responsibility for him then what is his role? And if he can’t why does he think you should be a mum when his child always has one?

Also, does he really think parents never ever go out singly and leave the child with just one parent? You each have your own lives to live, and even if you have children together surely you would be “allowed” to have appointments and friend outings without your child? Or does that only apply for him?

Fiancé sounds like a prick. Sure you want to hitch your waggon to that?

You're not the parent, his child has a mother, you are not even a step parent yet. Sounds like you really like his child and are very willing to help look after them when they are with you. But your fiance has to understand you are in a fairly delicate position as potential step mum you don't want to be stepping on actual mum's toes. And this will never be your child. The idea that you are privileged to be a step mum to his child is just not true, it complicates your life and the relationship with your fiance, he should be delighted you are willing to take it on at all. I wonder what happens if you don't live up to his requirements as the (step) mother of his child. Could be trouble ahead. You might want to re-think things if you are already playing third wheel in this relationship, not that he shouldn't put his child first but where does that leave you?