AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

I remember a thread by a stepmum on here a few years ago where she said that she was pleasantly surprised and did all the things needed of her but she didn’t feel very strongly about her stepchildren. She got an absolute roasting but I rather applauded her honesty. It does make me wonder why anyone would want to be a stepmum - be too involved and you are overstepping, be too distant and you are cold.

It may be that you are not ready to split up. So have a sensible discussion. What would your role in this child’s life be, if it was solely up to you? If he has assumed you will immediately feel exactly the same way as his / her mother feels then he needs to think again.

I’ve been a step mum a long time. This guy is completely unreasonable and extremely unattractive. Please free yourself and run far away.

Blimey he sounds like a lot! You sound like you'll be a lovely step mum if and when you marry. But I'd be wary to go much further with someone who feels like this.

It's not a question of 'should' you be doing things differently or feeling differently - there is no one way of step-parenting and people settle into different patterns.

There is no job description or contract - but your DP seems to have one in mind. The main issue is that you are not aligned on this, and he is not happy for you to do it your way.

Your way is fine. You care about the child and are affectionate and friendly. You understand the difference between Mum and Step Mum / Dad's DP. You are honest about not loving her 'as if she was your own' .

What is not fine is that he is not happy with your relationship with the child or what he sees as your role. It is reasonable to talk about not wanting the child to think she is in the way or that you avoid her - it's also important that she has time just with her Dad sometimes. You can talk together about strategies and making sure she feels secure, but he has no right to criticise and guilt trip you.

Big red flag.

And it will get worse unless you can address it head on and get him to shift his perspective and expectations.

It would likely get much worse if you do have your own children - is this the plan?

OP he is just after you for childcare, RUN!!!

Same.

I agree with the other posts here. I feel he got involved with you not long after him and his babies mother split up.

He wants to get married so your going to be available to mind his child, collect them from nursery/school and do more parenting as time goes by.

My feeling is that he may have told his ex in the past that he wanted a child like she did. His child arrived and suddenly he had to take a back seat. Or maybe he realised that he had to be at home more and had to pull his weight. His lack of stepping up could have ended his last relationship.

I know some men who like the idea of having a child without any idea of what's involved on a daily basis with a newborn, toddler or a small child. Then they expect the child's mother to do it all and stay at home with the child all the time. Meanwhile they still think they are like a 20 year old student going out all the time and doing nothing at home.

I think that you posted here because you don't like what he has said to you or how he is expecting you to behave and do his job of parenting. You seen the red flags that you can't ignore. In your situation I would end things with him. I know this might not be easy. I would not be signing up for a life long job of parenting his child or dealing with his child's mother when he won't care for them.

You would be far better off meeting a man without a child and you could decide then if you and him want a child after a certain period of time. You need to be with a man who is willing to step up if you get pregnant and have a baby. I have seen couples who married and had kids. Each stage of childhood brought new challenges even with the kids without special needs or autism and the parents had to work together.
This man just wants to make his own life easier. Don't put your life on hold by marrying him to end up doing his parenting job.

The sad part in all this is that you will probably still go ahead and marry him

Trying to be charitable, it at least sounds as though he cares very much for his child.
I think that's being very charitable. He's lining up OP to take on his responsibilities because he doesn't want to parent his own child

This! So many women discover that their boyfriend is only with them so that he doesn't have to parent his child.

You aren't 'a parent', you are an additional adult in the household, who is there to provide love and support. Your partner's child has two parents...their Mum and Dad. You don't feel it's your place to involve yourself in school activities or bedtime. That's absolutely your choice and your partner should respect that.

Big huge red flags are waving due to the fact he believes you should be 'doing more because you're a parent now'. What exactly is your partner expecting you to do? You need a conversation with him. You are not his child's parent, he is! He's the one who needs to care and parent his child, with support from you!

My concern is that your partner thinks you should be taking on the role as parent, which means you will end up responsible for caring and parenting his child!! Whilst he nips to see his mates or the gym etc on a regular basis! Whilst his child is in your home, he is the parent, not you and any suggestions that you should be the child's main carer whilst in your home...run.

Unfortunately, if you marry this man, I think you will become the child's default parent when staying with his Dad. Your partner is looking for a woman to take on the parenting duties. Nanny with a fanny springs to mind here.

Having your own child provokes vastly different feelings than a step-children. No matter how much you like them or love them, it will be different...and that's absolutely OK. Your partner is expecting way too much from you.

He is being totally unreasonable, it is not your job to parent his child! I’m a step parent OP, and I enjoy spending time with my step kids and love our holidays and outings etc, but my DH does all the parenting - child care, cooking their meals, bath time, bed time, school runs, parents evenings etc. There are times when he will ask me to look after them if he has an unavoidable work commitment or something, but he knows that when this happens I am doing a nice thing for him that he is grateful for and it’s not required of me because I am not their parent!

Mmm I’d be very careful and hold off on the getting married. When he wants you there for days his child is say firmly your child needs you, they need a great loving relationship with you. I’m a bonus. They need you. I’m going out to see my friend, you are having precious necessary time with your child. You should not want me there all the time.

I don’t want my dh there all the time with ours. I took our youngest for a babycino yesterday and it was special.

When he says he wants you to do XYZ, what exactly are those things? I'd love to know but I think I can guess - cooking, cleaning, washing? school runs? Meal planning and prep?

But as other posters have said, a lot of what he seems to be saying is bollocks, even if you were this child's actual mum. You can't go out when child is there? How the fuck does he think the average family manage? Date nights WITH children? What the actual.....?

Sadly, this is all too common. We know a family where the two parents were the model of effective co paretning and it was so lovely to see. And then he get a new partner. who is lovely. But who has now become the defacto primary parent when the child is with them and it infuriates me. She was an hour late for school the other day because her step mother had to leave for work early and her dad wasn't able to get up and get the two of them out the door....

Seriously this post must be a joke

How can people be this easy to manipulate?

I agree, he sounds as if he just wants you to step up and do the parenting for him.
He told you that you need to be doing more for his child and that you should suddenly be able to switch on feelings. That’s not how it works!
If you stay with him and marry him, it’ll only get worse when he has you where he wants you.

What would the child's actual mother think of her ex' demands of you? The child has a mother and certainly doesn't need another one. It sounds as if you have a good, appropriate relationship with the child and a thing more would be stepping in the mother's toes, which would most likely have implications for the co-parenting relationship.
Tell him 'no chance'. I would seriously consider leaving this fool.

Totally agree with this

I have mentioned this before but a few years ago there was a fascinating thread in Step-parenting, asking how posters would feel if they never saw they step-children again. It was very popular.

A few posters said they’d be devastated, that they loved their step-child and would miss them but the vast majority said they liked their step-child(ren) but wouldn’t really care if they had an ongoing relationship with them.

OP- some men will act as though it’s part of a woman’s nature to love and look after all children in her vicinity. It’s not true and there’s nothing wrong with you for NOT feeling this way.

You should run while you can.

OP I don't think you need to question what he expects of you, I think he's set it out very clearly. You are not to have a minute of time to yourself that doesn't include his daughter. You are to do everything that a bio mum would do, and possibly more. I wonder if that would include telling her off if she was naughty - or would that suddenly turn into 'you're not her mum'?

If you marry this man your life will no longer be your own. It will be entirely dictated by him and his daughter. As others have said, run. What he's said isn't a red flag, it's a communist parade.

I'm not a stepmum, but I have one and some of my friends are. And from everything I can see it doesn't appear to be a privilege. It can have rewards but can be quite a major source of stress. And if the dad isn't on the same page as the stepmum that's just a disaster zone.

He wants you to be a free nanny, cleaner, housekeeper, cook and laundry service.

And provide sex whenever he wants it.

For god's sake woman, run!!

Don’t marry him.

You need to run for the hills, OP!

He wants you as the parent to his child, nothing more.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Run for the hills OP, run faster than you’ve ever run before