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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

585 replies

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

OP posts:
muggart · 05/05/2026 10:08

he’s literally telling you that he is not marrying you because he wants you to be his wife, but because he wants a free, always-available caregiver for his child.

MyDuvetDay · 05/05/2026 10:09

No you don’t have to “do more” to look after his child for him. You should have course treat his child with kindness and respect and make sure the child feels safe and welcome in your home. It sounds like you already do all that and more.

Him insisting on describing you as a “parent” “stepparent” and “family” is odd given that you are none of those things, being unmarried

Noshadelamp · 05/05/2026 10:09

You don't owe him or the child anything in relation to parenting his child.
You are supposed to be in a relationship with him.
His child is his and the child's mother's responsibility.

You are allowed your own thoughts, feelings and boundaries around the child.

lola006 · 05/05/2026 10:10

There was a similar post on here a couple months ago where the stepmom was expected to do all the childcare while the dad swanned off to the gym and business networking. It sounded grim, and it could be what you’re headed for.

Stepmums can get a bad rap on here (I am not one but I have one!), but there has to be boundaries. At the end of the day you aren’t the mum, you probably don’t have any decision making power, you’d lose contact with the child if you were to split even years down the road…How soon after getting engaged did the “you need to do more” chat come up?

CamillaMcCauley · 05/05/2026 10:10

I reckon if you marry this guy it will take you even less time than his first wife took to figure out why you should leave him.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/05/2026 10:11

About the only good thing here is that he has been explicit rather done all this by stealth. So now you KNOW exactly what you're letting yourself in for. Or hopefully not as you will tell him he is completely out of order (and apparently not even very bright in doing this handover of his child more cleverly) and will leave him.

NoisyBuilder · 05/05/2026 10:14

What a load of old shit.

HE should be over the moon to have a partner who understands the nuances of a step-parent/child relationship, is welcoming, loving and kind but respects the child and parents boundaries.

You're not the child's parent. Therefore cannot love them as a parent, nor should you schedule your whole life around someone else's child.

If that's his expectation then you are no longer compatible. If he forces it on you, you'll end up resenting the child & it'll spoil the current, balanced relationship that you enjoy.

SlumChum · 05/05/2026 10:14

His language on this is incredibly demanding. Setting aside what you are talking about, are you happy to marry someone who sets out what you 'need' to do, as if he has decided and it is a forgone conclusion? The right approach would be lots of deep and meaningfuls about what your family looks like when you marry, which takes into account your thoughts and feelings too. As well as the child's of course! Maybe they'd like quality time one on one with dad? Maybe they'd like you to be more of a trusted adult figure than another mum?

The fact he is setting rules, expectations and obligations for you is a bigger red flag than even what he is asking through them.

Timeforidentitychange · 05/05/2026 10:19

Noshadelamp · 05/05/2026 10:09

You don't owe him or the child anything in relation to parenting his child.
You are supposed to be in a relationship with him.
His child is his and the child's mother's responsibility.

You are allowed your own thoughts, feelings and boundaries around the child.

This.

I’ll just repeat @Noshadelamp ’s last bit

You are allowed your own thoughts, feelings and boundaries around the child.

He sounds dreadful OP. Telling you that you’re a parent now, etc when you didn’t choose to become a parent. You can’t manufacture attachment and the way he’s going about it he’s putting you off it all, not drawing you in.

I’d leave and have children of your own later - if you WANT to.

MeanwhileinGilead · 05/05/2026 10:20

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”.

If his child's mother is still in the picture, he's being incredibly disrespectful to her. If not, and he's expecting you to step in and really BE her mother (which isn't a great idea; that relationship needs to develop naturally) he's still being weirdly controlling about how you do it.

He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us. This would be unreasonable even if you WERE the bio mother. Of course one of you would stay with the child while the other did things they needed to do.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. He can't dictate your feelings; how would that even be possible? He sounds really unrealistic and unfair.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. Sorry, but he sounds awful. Either this is a blatant attempt to manipulate and guilt-trip you, OR he is REALLY stupid. Either way, again, he can't dictate or regulate your feelings. I don't even mean that he SHOULD NOT do this, although that's true - he literally CANNOT.

He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. ??? Of course it matters. Again, even if the child was both of yours by birth, you'd have separate roles as a mother and as a partner, just as HE has separate roles as a father and as a partner now. It's really unhealthy and dangerous to mix them up - would he stop being his child's father if the two of you broke up and he stopped being your partner?

he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all. This makes no sense; the purpose of "date night" is for a couple to spend time together just the two of them, intentionally making sure there's time for that in spite of the demands of parenthood, work, school, friends, extended family, etc.

Firefly100 · 05/05/2026 10:21

Personally this would be something that would make me leave him over. If he can’t change this attitude, im gone.

  • You don’t need to be ‘doing more’. You don’t NEED to be doing anything at all if you don’t want to.She is his child not yours.
  • You are not ‘a parent now’. You are a step parent. She has two parents neither of whom are you.
  • You don’t need to ‘think of these things’ because she is not your responsibility
  • You can do whatever you want in terms of appointments or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home because she is his responsibility, not yours.
  • You can’t choose who and how much you love someone and I’d say it is completely normal not to love someone else’s child as much as your own and any attempts to guilt trip to the contrary are outrageous
  • You should not be ‘over the moon’ to be a step mum (you can, but there is no should). She is simply part and parcel of him, a fact of his life.
If you can’t get these messages through to him, either accept that you are not only accepting a position as wife but also a requirement to take over his role as parent with primary care expectations and responsibilities or get out now. Personally I would not be willing to marry a man who will not parent his own child. He is not a good father prospect. Also my self respect would not accept that I am only good enough for someone if I am prepared to function as their servant. Why the hell should I?
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2026 10:22

@Theworldonfire have you posted about this man before? It seems remarkably similar to a couple of other threads we’ve had on this topic.

As others have said, what you need to do is run. This man wants your free labour, not you.

A step-mum should of course be a loving and kind presence in the child’s home (because their dad’s home is their home) but not to step in and be the parent instead of the dad, or abandon their own life completely.

He is still the parent and needs to do the lions share of the work.

But this man isn’t going to realise that and needs to be binned.

TFImBackIn · 05/05/2026 10:22

Most likely he's thinking, "I left one woman because she wanted me to look after my own child and now this one wants me to do the same!" I'd leave him but I'd bet good money he'll just rely on his mum in future.

FairyBatman · 05/05/2026 10:23

I really think you need to stop talking to your friend. They are projecting their own issues on to you.

previouslyknownas · 05/05/2026 10:23

lol
another useless man who expects his girlfriend to do his work

your a nanny with a fanny

luckily he’s made that clear what he wants and expects from you

you have a choice to stay or not stay
personally I would run and keep on running

@Theworldonfire I have been married 27 years
my husband when we met had 2 kids 5 & 6
i have one who was 4
They are all adults now

But I have never ever ever looked after his two kids in the way that a mother / father would I don’t think I have
more like an aunty
I never babysat for them while my husband went out to the gym or on nights out
sure if he was just popping to the shops but
even on holidays together we would look after them all together equally

if I needed babysitting for my so. it was generally my parents who would look after him

DH treats my son as his own son and he’s actually very very close to him

I treated his kids like my nephews / nieces

will add that we didn’t live together full time despite being married till all the kids were pretty much grown up

toiletpaperthief · 05/05/2026 10:24

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

You need to run to the hills. This man wants a free nanny to take care of HIS child. You are not the mom, child already has a mother. It's your duty as this mans partner to be kind to his child and acept he comes with the package but that's it. Child parents should be educating and taking care of him not you.

I had a step father all my life, a very kind warm man who always treated me very well, but he never did the dads duties. He never fed me,took me to school or lecture me and I really appreciate that as i already had a dad doing that. As an adult I love this man and will take care of him in his old age.

Meteorite87 · 05/05/2026 10:25

MeanwhileinGilead · 05/05/2026 10:20

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”.

If his child's mother is still in the picture, he's being incredibly disrespectful to her. If not, and he's expecting you to step in and really BE her mother (which isn't a great idea; that relationship needs to develop naturally) he's still being weirdly controlling about how you do it.

He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us. This would be unreasonable even if you WERE the bio mother. Of course one of you would stay with the child while the other did things they needed to do.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. He can't dictate your feelings; how would that even be possible? He sounds really unrealistic and unfair.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. Sorry, but he sounds awful. Either this is a blatant attempt to manipulate and guilt-trip you, OR he is REALLY stupid. Either way, again, he can't dictate or regulate your feelings. I don't even mean that he SHOULD NOT do this, although that's true - he literally CANNOT.

He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. ??? Of course it matters. Again, even if the child was both of yours by birth, you'd have separate roles as a mother and as a partner, just as HE has separate roles as a father and as a partner now. It's really unhealthy and dangerous to mix them up - would he stop being his child's father if the two of you broke up and he stopped being your partner?

he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all. This makes no sense; the purpose of "date night" is for a couple to spend time together just the two of them, intentionally making sure there's time for that in spite of the demands of parenthood, work, school, friends, extended family, etc.

Edited

Perfectly laid out all the problems with his attitude and behaviour towards @Theworldonfire

Credittocress · 05/05/2026 10:25

At least he’s giving you a clear warning. Fucking run from this one.

Leavesandthings · 05/05/2026 10:25

He is a dickhead who wants a bangmaid and is manipulating you.

Anotherdisposableusername · 05/05/2026 10:27

This isn't a red flag. This is bunting.

I wouldn't be with someone who treated me with such total contempt, which I'm afraid is exactly what this is. He's a control freak... at best.

Happyjoe · 05/05/2026 10:27

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

Goodness me, no. Sorry. I would think long and hard about marrying him, he's manipulative.

Child isn't yours. While it is lovely to be a positive figure in the role of a step parent, it isn't on you to be 'mum' or to obey all his orders regarding the care of his child, cheeky git. Child already has a mum - and a dad and the dad doesn't sound very nice. I do wonder if he is manipulative in other aspects of your life? People are seldom selective in the issues when it comes to controlling.

Rosessmelllovely · 05/05/2026 10:30

OP, has he laid out the 'duties' you should actually be doing more of? Were there specific examples of your wrongdoing? And yes, run. You woman, he man, you do woman's work.

MyDeftDuck · 05/05/2026 10:30

His child……his responsibility! He sees and acknowledges the things you do with her and I totally with your decision to not do certain things for her.
IMO he can’t be arsed and wants you to step up and do the stuff required of him as her PARENT!
Walk away…….asap!

TreesinthePark · 05/05/2026 10:31

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 05/05/2026 09:58

He expects you to be a good little woman and care for his child so he doesn't have to. A nanny with a fanny.

Run.

Everything you need is in this first answer, OP.

Although I might have added the word "fast" at the end.

Hellohelga · 05/05/2026 10:31

You sound like an amazing step mum and he should be telling you this on a regular basis. Instead he’s undermining you, saying you should do more, trying to mould the relationship. No stepmom ever loved a stepchild like their own. Think long and hard about this.