AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Hope you are ok at your mums @Theworldonfire

I was glad to see that you decided to leave this man. He did not care about you. He just wanted you there to mind his child, do the housework and provide sex. He had a child and his child is his responsibility to care for. That includes minding them on his own when they are away from there mother and providing money for them.

He showed his true colours on more than one occasion and at least you realised what he was really like. You told your mother and she told you to leave and not to tell him this until after you were gone.

I hope you bought away all your documents, financial information, computer ect and are currently in your mother's happy that you got away from a user like him. He is not going to be happy but you need to tell him it over and that your not hanging around to be used as a his child's babysitter and getting verbal abuse off him either.
Tell your friends why you left him as well as you might need there support as he will come back making promises and a man like him will never change.
He believes he is always right and he thinks the world should revolve around him and his needs.

I find it very sad when i read stories of emotional abuse on here, it breaks my heart.

Please run to the hills from this man OP.

Go to your mum's and stay at your mum's op.

God, I cried a little reading your update. What a bastard.

I’s so pleased you are leaving him.

So glad your going to / at your mums
best decision ever, good luck op

Me too for a similar length of time and totally agree, I have a great relationship with SC but there was never any expectation or pressure put on me and any effort made was and is appreciated.

OP you sound like you’re a lovely step parent and he should be grateful for that. Sorry but it’s not a good sign.

How are you getting on at your mums OP?

@Theworldonfire
I hope you are at your Mom's, got your stuff out of his house and have not let that man sweet-talk you into going back.

I hope you are ok OP, safe and that you managed to make it to your mum’s without problems.

If you have not please ask for help, get your friends on board, call Women’s Aid, find local charities dealing with domestic abuse (he doesn’t need to beat you for it to be abuse) talk about it, it will help you to keep it real in order to be able to go. If you went back, don’t feel too bad, I’m sure I read somewhere that in average it takes 5-7 attempts for the woman to be able to leave an abusive relationship, so this may be just strike one but remember that the longer you take to leave the less confident you will feel to make it out there, so don’t wait for him to brainwash you/destroy your confidence.