AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

@Theworldonfire

Oh I'm so glad!

I echo above PP. Take your 'electronics', and any important papers you can stuff in your largest handbag. You can always say your laptop is 'acting up' and you're taking it to a repair place near work. Or someone in your IT department has volunteered to take a look at it.

I'm hoping that this is the first step to ending it with him because he is not going to change and he's made it clear you're nothing to him but a nanny and 'housekeeper'. You deserve better.

Remember, you'll never meet Mr Right when you're tangled up with Mr Wrong.

End the engagement. End the relationship. Do you need to sell the house to get your financial share? Can you move most of your stuff to your Mums whilst he's at work?

Thank god you didn't marry him. He's awful

Good for you op. You deserve better

Well done OP don’t look back. If you have someone to go with you to get your stuff that will keep you safe. I’m so glad you have family support. He is awful.

Bravo, Excellent that you have decided to remove yourself. Remember the script, he will promise it was a mistake, that you fill their lives, that yes he is lost without your help, because he Lurves you so, he will promise, holidays. Bring flowers… Dont fall for it, He lies.
Then when you dont return, he will get nasty, do his maximum to damage your reputation, he will lie that it was him who ended it, lie to the child, his mother. If you have any money tied up together he will use this to punish you.
So be ready

The red flag is your fiance , not the stepchild- no one is thrilled to have a step child, much as you might love children in a perfect world a fiance without a child would be much preferred. Why does he think you should be thrilled? it sounds as if he wants you primarily to take the child ff his hands. You have been as supportive as you can be , but still your fiance wants you to do more?
I would run a mile.

Well done OP. You were doing everything right in respecting you weren’t a parent, and the fact this angered your partner is extremely telling.

well done for speaking to your mum and taking action before you felt too enmeshed to do anything. Sending strength and the Very best of wishes for you moving forwards 💐

Also to add, if he’s interfering with precious time with your lovely mum, that’s enough to stay away.
It was terrible what he’s just done to you.
I hope some time away will give you the courage to leave for good.

My ex husband had a son. He turned me into his son’s nanny without myself realising. When I left he stopped shared care. The little boys mother soon realised who was caring for him and he barely saw him. His child will be okay. This man doesn’t need shared care at all since he clearly can’t cope and needs his partner to actually parent his child.

Yeah you just need to leave period. Absolutely sorry excuse for a father.

Good luck OP. He dipped his wick and pro created, not your responsibility.
your mr right will come without baggage and you can start your own family. Leave him to deal with his responsibilities.

I am not surprised by your update. So now you have 2 occassions where you clearly saw he doesn’t care about your wellbeing (being ill for weeks some time prior and now migrane this weekend). Both produced the same reaction from him- zero care, annoyance and anger. This now not an accident or one-off, this is a pattern.

Like others said, there is coercive control here. He is not the nice man he attempted to portray himself as. It’s ok. Luckily, he has trully revealed himself before you got married, at this point you can walk away and recover from this and look back on the whole experience as a nightmare you managed to wake up from. And a massive upgrade on your red flags radar which will come in handy in life.

You don’t mention what is your housing situation, i hope you are not too intertwined. Even if you are, there can be solution found for that. Short term pain for long lerm gain.

Glad your mom is supportive, it doesn’t sound like she was hugely surprised.

Re engagement and wedding- who cares what who might think what, soon all will be forgotten as people have their own lives to attend to. Cancel it, tell a few close friends why, all will be fine.

Please do take all valuable items from your house asap, i also get the impression that your partner is capable of greater abuse, he has shown you he doesn’t care much about your wellbeing. Hope for the best but prepare for worst, then you won’t be caught off guard.

I wish you best, turbulent times ahead but it will all settle eventually and you will be able to breathe with ease.

I’m so sorry,OP, that it has come to this, but glad for you that you’ve seen him for what he is. Well done on telling your mum everything, I know how hard that can be. Sounds like she has your back and will be of great support to you in the coming weeks. Do you have other family and friends to lean on, too?

OP, I have just read all your posts and update, and found it chilling reading.

Don't be under any illusion that leaving this man is saving your future self from untold control, unhappiness and abuse. Having dc with this man would condemn you to such misery and anguish.

Go and don't look back. His only single redeeming feature is that he showed you exactly who he is before anything irreversible like a baby, happened.

Well-done stay strong and get yourself out of there for good x

Godspeed your escape from this abusive man @Theworldonfire

Good on your mum! She can clearly see straight through him.

he is so manipulative and openly using you. well done for seeing through it. good luck today!

Well done, you’re doing the right thing. He’d get worse if you got married and had kids with him

So glad you've got your mum.

Mumsnet has many faults but it can really be a force for good, too.

Yeah..your Mum is wise re not telling him..fk knows what his reaction would be if he knew.
Take care of yourself...be careful x

Keep yourself safe, and I think we all wish you a happy and free life away from him.

So pleased and proud of you and your mum. Things would probably have got much worse the longer the relationship lasted. If you were my daughter I would welcome you with open arms and be proud of you x

Hope you are ok @Theworldonfire and enjoying the breathing space and some time with your mum.

if you didn’t go, it’s ok - just get a plan in your head for how you want this to play out x

What @Whiteheadhouse said! Get all your stuff together. It might mean that you take them to work with you (passport, jewellery, important papers) and move them to your work place or just take them in your bag and go. I'm so glad that he showed you his true colours before the marriage, because it's a lot easier to get out of his life.