AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

I wonder if he sees a step-dad as privileged, or is it just women who should feel blessed with the presence of a child and naturally want to mother them?
You sound great. He sounds like an arse. I'd guess a misogynistic arse who things it should be women doing all the caring and carrying the mental load, even if they're not the parent.
I'd consider leaving. His attitude isn't good for his child (or you but that is obvious), you sound like you have the perfect approach to it but your dPs attitude will likely lead to the child feeling insecure and thinking that he doesn't matter to you.

Can you imagine this in reverse: like a mum telling her male partner this is what she expects from him? No, didn't think so.

I’m a stepmum - run for this hills. Everything he is asking is out of order. He should be privileged to have you, not the other way round.

Yanbu. He’s basically looking for you to do his parenting for him.

I’ve seen this on here so many times - you’ll end up being expected to use your annual leave to look after them in school holidays, stay in and babysit while he goes out etc etc.
Massive red flag 🚩

I knew before I opened this thread what the answer would be.

He wants you to do all the grunt work of raising a child so he doesn’t have to. And he Wants you guy to do it without complaining. It’ll get worse if you marry.

This is not a good man. This is not a good father. I, personally, wouldn’t marry him op.

You need a discussion around what you are prepared to do as a stepmum. Your partner is the parent and they need to do the parenting, expecting you to love them as your own is unreasonable, you will either grow to love them.or you won't, it's not something that can be "forced".

Don't marry him. He's trying to force you into a mother role which is inappropriate for his child, wrong for you and benefits only him. This is not something that you can easily get past. You could try couple counselling if you really want to try everything but I would just cut my losses personally.

He says, he says, he says a lot of things which roughly translate to- now I'm marrying you, I expect you to step into the role of skivvy. I will expect you to absolve me of most (if not all) my responsibilities as parent; so I can be free ro do as I please.

@Theworldonfire , it's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with, or you'll end up resenting him and your stepchild, for overextending yourself against your wishes.
If that is insufficient, it's up to him to end the relationship with you amd seek someone more suitable. What he cannot do, is engage you , then give you a list of rules. He's an asshole.

Dump him now or be back in a few years completely ground down and/or miserable.

Life is too short for this shit. Just leave him.

You need to talk about this before you marry.

There isn’t a one size fits all answer to this but it sounds like you and your fiancé don’t agree. He wants you to replace his ex (except the romance part) , you want to be like a bonus auntie and friend. I think that your approach is better because should you break up, you’ll never see him
again where as a parent would. He’s very unreasonable to expect you to love him like one of your own when you don’t even miss him when he’s gone. I think that you can get to a point where you feel deep affection for stepson but it’s not like having one of your own.

Do you want kids? If you do, I predict a future of arguments about the fact that he thinks you prefer your own child over stepson.

OP you sound amazing and exactly the sort of person I would want as step parent to my kids. He sounds like a twat. He won't get any less twatty either, however much you hope he might.

JFC OP as a blended family (after 7 years together living separately) I would say run. He wants you to take on his responsibilities. Nope

Wake up. And run as far as you can
Tale as old as time I'm afraid. First reply nails it.

You are NOT a parent now. You're his fiancee and you're allowed to call off the wedding. These are completely unreasonable demands to make of a woman he's not married to when the child already has two living parents.

I did less for my husband when were engaged and he didn't even have children.

I can't imagine there are many (I expect zero) men who have these expectations heaped upon them when they get into a relationship with a woman with DC. Such devotion, sacrifice and selflessness seems to be expected of women however. Funny that.

Run OP, run as fast as you can.

OP, this man does not love you, he just wants you to replace his ex as the default parent for his child.

I bet he has been out and left his dc with you?

Don’t marry this man!
My DH has been a stepfather for over 30 years. He has never taken on the role of father, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t love my DD1 as much as he does my DD2 who is his own daughter. That being said, he will do anything for both of them, has left his estate in equal shares to both of them in his Will and sees all his grandchildren from both DDs as his grandchildren.
He didn’t bathe her when she was little, he carried on his hobby when she was with us, he took many trips to her Uni to help her move, was really worried when she went into Labour.
Your STBEx is an arse who wants a nanny.

He's given you advanced warning of what your future looks like.

Ball is in your court on whether this is what you want.

People don't change, be aware of this.

OP you are very lucky.

He has shown his hand too early, before you're actually married to him.

His attitudes are very wrong. Yours are perfectly sensible and valid.

You could have a chat and outline your thoughts and see what he says. I expect he'll disagree and trot out all of the above again. Personally, I'd end it.

Trying to be charitable, it at least sounds as though he cares very much for his child.

Well done OP for stepping back and reflecting what is going on.

Leaving aside the motivations and intentions of your fiancé (we don’t know), he is communicating his assumptions about what a good step parent entails. This will be underpinned by beliefs about what is best for his child, himself and your family unit - different people will rank these in different order of priority!

You could step into the role of another parent, or you could step into the role of Dad’s partner. Both could work brilliantly or fail miserably, it how your are positioned or the level of involvement that will determine the child’s happiness, but the child’s sense of belonging within the family unit. A child can feel a sense of belonging with minimal ‘parenting’ from a step parent and they can feel like an outsider/ unwelcome with lots of ‘parenting’ from a step parent.

Based on what you have described, if your actions reflect this, your step child is likely to feel wanted and valued with your family unit with your partner. You don’t need to forge a parent role with her. It can be a different parent-child relationship that adds value to both of your lives. If your parented insists that only a step parent role is acceptable, there is every chance that the relationship with the child will be problematic due to is being forced and inauthentic.

I suggest you talk to him and see if you can land on the same page. If not, I would reconsider your shared future.

Well at least he's honest, in a really bad way, about what he expects from you Op. He waved a red flag when he expected you to be home whenever his child was there, it's always been his idea that you should be doing as much parenting as possible. He thinks now you're engaged he has you where he wants you, it will be no time at all before you look around and he's out enjoying himself whenever he likes, you'll be home with his child and he won't ask you, he'll just expect it.

Im really confused. Why? Which part of nanny with a fanny are you struggling with?
Should I be doing more? Yes, dumping your misogynistic twat of a fiance.
Am I a terrible stepparent? You're a terrible nanny with a fanny.

I've been a step mum for 15 years. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

What he is saying to you is a massive red flag that he expects to be able to hand off the lion's share of his parenting responsibility to you. And he is using guilt as a manipulation tactic.

I'm afraid he is teeing you up to be a nanny with a fanny.

You might be able to stand your ground if you're willing to have the fight. But it may be easier for you and your sanity in the long run if you just tell him to fuck off now.

I bet I can guess who wanted to live together and get married...

Sounds like you are the perfect step mum. Also sounds like he wants you to do more, so he can do less. Don't marry him and definitely don't have kids with him