AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

He expects you to be a good little woman and care for his child so he doesn't have to. A nanny with a fanny.

Run.

I think you're being totally reasonable.

Why does he think he gets to lay the law down about how you are? That would worry me.

Yes, of course he's going to feel you're lucky to have his child in your life - and it's wonderful that you feel the same. But you have a completely sensible understanding of boundaries. Have you ever discussed those with him? Does he get why you don't want to overstep, and act like this child's parent?

I admit, it would ring alarm bells for me that he is telling you to do more - it makes me wonder whether he actually just wants to shift the parenting load onto you, which is not on.

Please please please leave him. You are just another mother as far as he's concerned and you deserve to experience falling in love and seeing the big wide world without this shit.

Then when or if you're ready to be a mum, you can do it with the right person at the right time.

Just run, this won't end well.

Run away, OP!!! What an arsehole.

I’ve been a step mum for nearly 30 years and I think your bloke should fuck right off. I’d be rethinking my future if I were you.

You will be doing everything soon whilst he swans to the pub and gym.

Leave him amd enjoy your life. It will only get worse.

Do not marry this man.

You are not aligned about something fundamental, and it will only get worse.

Ask your partner what his expectations are...get him to list them.

Then see what you feel about the expectations.

Oh dear, it sounds like your fiancé just wants you to take over his parenting duties.

I’d actually be thinking hard about this relationship. You have quite clearly stated that you want to have some boundaries, and he’s made it clear he doesn’t agree with them.

Does the child still have a relationship with their mother? How is your fiancé’s co parenting relationship with his ex?

Unfortunately, he might be one of the many men who lines up a woman, any woman, to parent his child for him so he doesn’t have to.

The expectations in childcare coincide with becoming engaged? So do you think he proposed because he loves you or because he is bored of being a parent and is expecting you to replace him?

Male perspective here.... he sounds a cockwomble! I bet that once he has you married it will be absolutely fine for him to go out and see friends but not for you.

Yes choosing to marry a man who has a young child is something you have to think about and be aware that it will be a different relationship to someone without a child but you are not and should not be expecting to take on the role of mum.

Run

Nanny with a Fanny sums it up.

Run!

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”

there is the usual confusion of needs and wants here. Your fiancé wants you to do more. You do not wish to.

His child needs him to step up.

Really, I’d back off, if I were you, because you’re being taken on for what he wishes you to provide, not for who you are.

Noooooo. Don't let yourself get trapped by this, OP. You really should split.

Is there an age gap between you by any chance?

Bloody hell, I would not marry this one OP. His child, during his contact time, is HIS responsibility, not yours. End of.

I wonder why the relationship with DC's mum broke down!

Dont marry him unless you are in absolute agreement about all of this.

To be brutally honest, I would think long and hard about whether this is what you want at all - any of it.

How old are you?

He wants a nanny with a fanny. Someone to do his share of parenting for him.

As others have said, he basically can’t be arsed with his own child and wants you to play mum.

You are being lined up to be a nanny with a fanny. If he doesn’t want the responsibility of his child then maybe the child needs to go to his mother. This would be a deal breaker for me. Next thing will be if you let this carry on will be him leaving you on a regular basis to look after his child so he can go out with his mates.

She probably wasn't sufficiently grateful at having the privilege of washing his pants and having his dinner ready when he got in from the pub.

I agree with everyone else here. Run. Someone who loves you doesn't talk with you this way.

YADefinitelyNBU

I never thought I’d do the first post nails it thing! But yeah.

Run for the hills - find a nice man your own age with no kids. Honestly this is going to be shit he's helpfully made that extremely clear.