AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

That is absolutely ridiculous (on his part not yours)

What planet is he on?

Your DP sounds ghastly, ghastly, ghastly!
May I add - controlling, manipulative and gas lighting?
NO that is HIS child NOT yours - who already has a mother.
You need to straighten him out with the facts - or he'll soon be off on golf course or whatever all weekend and you and child left alone at home!
Do not have child with him. See the light.

Your reading comprehension needs work.

He, the OP's crappy fiancé, is after a Nanny With A Fanny - i.e. free childcare that will also shag him. Men like that are awful and should be dumped.

Step mums, on the other hand, can be as active or as pulled back as suits their personal circumstances and preferences. They are very much NOT Nannies With Fannies. Some are like a third parent, some go down the Nacho route, some do it differently.

Everyone is telling th OP her fiancé is a lazy parent and controlling bloke who thinks he can dictate what the OP does and how she feels.

Bugger that.

Why do you think most of us are saying it, @bikiniwaxlyrical . It's because we see it for what it is.

You might think it's disrespectful but you are misinterpreting what we are saying.

We aren't saying that a step-mother is a nanny with a fanny, we are using the term to describe what shit fathers expect from their partner.

Does he even have the child 50/50?

This is ludicrous. Would his dying wish override his child’s wish to stay with their parent? Why would he imagine his child would prefer to spend half the week with you rather than with their mother?

He sounds like a very strange individual 🤔

That is just bizarre. Of course you are right and the mother wouldn't want that.

What is his relationship with his child's mother like? This sounds like him trying to assert his rights/make a point in some way.

Wow. My DH is stepdad to my kids. They are grown up now, but we got together 18 years ago, so we did all live together for years. He did not take on much of the Dad role, bar giving a few lifts here and there, and some advice now and again.

Omg OP run:
he is looking for a nanny with a fanny so he doesn’t have to parent his child.
be a good little woman and be her mummy here so I don’t have to do anything.

run! Or at least put your foot down and always remind him you are her father, I am her step parent. YOU need to take the lead. I am in a support role, not the main role!

but seriously leave. He will expect the same if you ever had kids together

He expects too much.

Men who trot out the line that you should love their child as if it were your own are insulting the bond a child has with its mother, and a mother with her child.

You are not a parent, he is.

Take a atep back from this relationship. Take time to think.
Its your life, you only get one. Is this what you wanted for yourself?
I think its totally up to you how much yoh do or don't do. Not him.
If you wanted to do the things that would be up to you, but its not for him to decide.

He is delulu.

This isn't going to get better.

Ask him what would happen if YOU died ?
He'd be looking for another Nanny with a Fanny.

I just wanted to come on and say you sound like a fantastic step parent, how lucky the child is to have you in their life. However, I agree with the sentiment expressed by many that your partner has expectations of you that are not appropriate. You are not the child's mother and you don't seek to play that role. You are part of their life, but not responsible for them. That role firmly sits with the mother and father. I fear your partner is seeking a substitute mum that he can palm off on you.

Sorry OP but this is absolutely insane from him. It is beyond "quite odd", and you're quite right that it would be up to the child's mother and not him in that circumstance.

You're not SDCs parent and you don't have PR, although I'm sure you're a wonderful step mum and love them very much.

His expectations of you as a step mum are completely unreasonable.

I would seriously be rethinking this relationship and having a serious, frank, discussion about his responsibilities as a father. If you help out as a step mum then that is lovely of you, but your partner is the parent and as such responsibility falls on him.

This sounds shit. He's lining you up to do all the parenting when DSC is with you, while he swans around as he likes.

Controlling, demanding and idiotic - get away from this one fast!

If he dies in 10 or twenty years the child would hopefully be on very friendly terms with you and at least stay in touch. If it was next week the mother would just take back full custody and you would have no say in the matter.

So say he dies - not wishing it on him. But day he did. He then expects you to be responsible for a child which isn’t yours.
Its like you saying if I die you can’t meet anyone else who becomes stepmum.
It is all NUTS.
This man is manipulating you, he clearly the minute you get married will see you as the new mum and expect you to be that.
And I bet you will be stuck in the house.
I ran from a situation like this and I’m glad I did.
I don’t have kids and got wrapped up in the romance of it, but he was just looking for someone to sit in so he could play golf.

Do you have particularly low self esteem? I can’t understand why you would settle for this shite.

Get out while you can.

Run very far and very fast from anyone requiring you to do something ongoing as their dying wish. You are roped in to be their servant till your dying day and they have to do nothing.
You are obviously a caring person and that is why he has chosen you, yes as a partner but also as the next woman he can wield his child's welfare over. Keep your boundaries and trust yourself. He hopes to wear you down and from his reactions to your boundaries you can be sure the more trapped you become the less he will be around.
First post nails it, he is seeking a nanny with a fanny. Don't let it be you.

Yeah, he’s super manipulative and it’s just going to get worse.

Good luck with that, OP.

This is why I don’t date men with children. They always seem to want to find a woman to hand over childcare responsibilities to.

I honestly would not parent somebody else’s child and would run from this. You need to have a serious talk to clarify expectations.

One word... RUN