AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

That’s good. Being a mum is hard. Just save the punishment for what’s needed :-)

It. Really. Is. Extremely. Trivial.

I know what she said, that is why I think there may be something subconscious going on.

Looking cooler for boys can also mean afraid of being bullied by them so you want to be on their good side. So this means you start using appeasing behaviours. You say the right things, you dress right, you give them the attention they want, etc.

At 14 in a school with 15yr old boys to 19yr old men she would have been very young and vulnerable. I don’t understand how she would have known better either. Perhaps saying she was Chinese could have caused her serious trouble from these same boys and men? Maybe she didn’t want to go through the I’m Chinese American but have never been to China and don’t care what Trump says about the Chinese rigamorole of justifying her existence as an American or her ethnicity?

This requires conversations not punishments.

The problem is she evades punishment because it's always these small stupid things she does for boys.

All these small things accumulate.

The hot car "incident" doesn't really seem the big of a deal?

I definitely think your being overly harsh..

She has stopped other kids from getting bullied. So she's not afraid to stop up to nonsense.

A teen in a hot car without anyone watching her. Sure she will probably be fine but sometimes people pass out under such circumstances. If she passed out, passerby may not know she needs help.

I know what you mean. I feel similar with my kids some times. It’s all adding up and it does become a big problem. I do hear that but I think that’s where guided talks and support come in? I didn’t get that from my parents I got punishment and I ran wild! Boyfriends, smoking weed, drinking the lot. I was awful but now I know what NOT to do and how to parent my kids to make sure they do not follow my footsteps. Well I say I know what to do… I’m trying my best !

I went through a little phase of pretending that I was Greek because my name is Greek.. no Greek heritage (as far as I know) but I do have German heritage, which didn't seem as cool at the time. I now embrace that heritage and have started looking into more information about my ancestory.

Is her being super shy and super nervous around boys a good enough reason for her bad decisions?

Yes wtf you are being completely unfair and unkind. Who gives a shit that she told some kids she's Japanese?! You are projecting your weird nationalism onto her. She's a kid ffs. You should apologise and remove the sanctions. You said she's academically doing well, she's not doing drugs or crimes, ffs.

It's because it's a pattern of small stupid things she does for boys.

Also, what kind of boy she was thinking of attracting with a lie like that?

BTW, I reversed the punishment today.

So..? I'm 26 and I would lie about my heritage if I thought it would make a boy like me. Lol

Sorry wrong post

I'm both too curious to avoid asking but also scared of the answer.

What kind of lie about your heritage would you tell to impress some guy?

No worries. It's funny that I was looking for the hidden meaning of what you meant.

For instance if I was really into someone and he said he has a thing for slavic girls, I'd say I'm Russian. Or if he really likes Asians, I'd say I'm 1/4 Chinese.

I always tell white lies to men to try and charm them. For example, I'll lie about having the same birthday to convince them that it's 'meant to be' or I'll over exaggerate my skateboarding abilities if they're also into skating.

I also normally don't tell men that I own property or that I went to Cambridge because it comes across as too masculine/independent.

I have no respect for men and therefore do not believe they are worthy of telling them the truth. Perhaps your Daughter shares this view.

You are being much too harsh and you will push her away and make her so she never confides in you . Lighten up for goodness sake it's no big deal . Poor girl .

I don't want to put any harsh judgments on boys, so I'll say men.

For a woman, a man who would really care that a woman's ancestry is Japanese instead of Chinese, I side-eye those types of men.

I don't know if it's the same as a man who would really like if a white lady has Russian ancestry. I don't know, maybe there is something I need to learn.

I have heard about the not wanting to seem too independent thing.

Lots of white men/boys fetishise Japanese girls and they aren't going to know the difference between Japanese and Chinese. Using a bit of poetic license to appeal to your target audience is not an ethical issue that requires intervention or admonishment. It's a bit like lying on your CV to get the job! It's totally harmless.

My accomplished lying and misrepresentation of myself has afforded me a pretty incredible lifestyle and career(s).

If those boys are too thick to be able to tell a Japanese from a Chinese last name they deserve to be lied to.

I think the Japanese stolen valour is the least of your issues. I would be thinking of ways to reconnect with her so that she is more emotionally grounded and doesn't seek validation from boys to this extent.

If you go authoritarian on her by revoking privileges as you initially did, she will rebel, become deceptive, and meet boys in secret - probably poorly chosen ones. And when she gets a guy that has been consuming eroticised Japanese manga/anime and sees her in that light, and she finds herself in an unsafe situation which she is not prepared for, she won't feel able to talk to you about it - which could result severe harm.

Act now. Authoritative not authoritarian. You need the warmth and emotional connection to ground the relationship so that when boundaries are put in place she can better manage the discomfort of being told no and can understand that it's in her best interests.

You have backtracked on the punishment but framed it as a concession forced upon you by your husband as opposed to just sitting down with her and talking to her, on her bed, as a peer, as a person, and understanding why she said what she said, and you in turn explaining why it upset you.

We have to be able to drop the hierarchy at times in order to connect.

What's the best way to talk to her? Are there questions I'm not asking?

At this moment, I do think it's best to reverse the punishment. All the stupid stuff she does for boys annoy me only because I know about it. Me knowing is a good thing. If she starts doing stupid stuff in private, it will get worse.

You are in danger of type-casting her as a silly, impulsive girl who loses her head around boys. That is a very misogynistic and destructive narrative that will become part of her self-concept if you keep giving her that message. You sound very all-or-nothing, which is generally an unwise mindset when it comes to teenagers. She isn’t boy-crazy, she’s a teenage girl who is learning to navigate relationships and will inevitably make mistakes, as we all did. You need to take a step back, calm down and focus on connection. Be the person she can come to when she is unsure of herself or has got herself out of her depth. That will be the most powerful protective factor she can have over the next few years, and is far more important than your need to maintain discipline and control - which you are supposed to be gradually loosening at this age anyway.

I still don't want to judge too harshly any boy at her school that may have been impressed by that.

I guess the situation is safer while she's still in school.

The specific target audience part didn't bother me that much until I came online looking for advice. Then I got worried by the type of boy she may have been trying to appeal to.

I wouldn't worry. I admire your daughter for misleading stupid teenage boys!