AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

@TheChineseAmericanMum I can understand you feeling cross but it was an opportunity to discuss potential consequences of the lie and let DD see that the moral of the story is... don't do it. Yes I think the punishment was harsh when this seems hormone-influenced teenage behaviour in the heat of the moment, not a planned lie. But your reaction was also normal as a parent in the heat of the moment and whilst you were in shock.

You need to lighten up, gosh she’s a teenage girl, if you’re not careful she will be leaving home as soon as she’s old enough. You’re her mother not her keeper. It’s normal teenage behaviour.
its your that’s the problem not her!

Massive overreaction on your part. You’re going to alienate her. I’d make as little fuss as possible and let it blow over. It’s just a phase. By being draconian you’re going to alienate her and she’ll end up doing things secretly and not sharing stuff with you. Quite honestly she sounds lacking in confidence so don’t feed that by imposing harsh and unnecessary rules and punishments. Try to foster an atmosphere at home of openness, acceptance and discussion. As she matures, she’ll embrace her heritage and one day, will look back and laugh at this phase.

I get why your upset but this is a stupid thing she said at 11 and doesn’t want to go back on. Japan is seen as cool so I get it.
your punishment is incredibly harsh, you also can’t just say it’s indefinite. If you want her to rebel against you, then you’re going about it the right way.

This just sounds like content in a fun teen movie - like Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging.

She sounds hilarious and if you handle this right, she could be your best mate when she’s older, confident in you about boys, sex, friendships. The way you’re going is when the child begins hiding things, ending up getting pregnant or in an abusive relationship and too scared to tell you / running back into the twat’s arms.

You need to think carefully here.

FWIW she sounds like a laugh

I think you’re being overly harsh on her. I understand it’s upsetting to you as she’s denying your heritage. But she’s a 16 year old girl trying to impress boys! Also the ‘hot car incident’ is a total non-incident! Chill out - she could be doing a hell of a lot worse.

I mean I do understand that you’re very disappointed. I’m thinking that instead of all the banning boys etc couldn’t you just have a talk with her and say how you feel. Talk about your heritage and your ancestors.
I’d also tell her that when her friends come over you’ll be mentioning your heritage and talking about things in front of them relating to your Chinese culture so it’s probably a very good idea that she doesn’t keep saying she’s Japanese! She’s going to look really silly otherwise.

This can not be for real.
But just incase it is, you massively overreacted and sound like a horribly controlling and judgmental parent.

There has also been an influx of odd poorly written American sounding thread lately. Strange.

Maybe use this incident as an opportunity to improve her understanding about Chinese culture, so she can feel proud of her heritage. How much knowledge does she have? Do you know her friends? Maybe invite them over for lunch, where you could make Chinese dishes, foster a friendly relationship with them. Help her realise why it's inappropriate to pretend to be of another culture as one day her lies could put her in awkward situations.

Your Dd sounds a fantastic young woman.

She’s a teenager. You don’t help and guide teens by punishing them and trashing their social lives every time they make a daft mistake, you help them sort themselves out.

She didn’t do this as a personal insult to you or a slight on the history of the Chinese peoples she did it because she saw a chance to be viewed as very cool based on the vague and ignorant knowledge of other pupils. And she has trapped herself in it.

They need to learn from their mistakes and move on. Not be left crushed and isolated.

Talk with her, help her get herself out of it. Do not subject her to what wil be public humiliation.

You sound over the top.

At 16 my mum didn’t know where I was or who with, chill out otherwise the minute she leaves the house for college she’ll revel in her freedom so much she’ll never be back. If the worst she’s doing is pretending to be Japanese there’s no issue.

You are massively unreasonable. Teenagers make up shit all the time. Clearly she’s insecure.
Give her a break. Otherwise she’ll never open up to you again.
It’s not about you. Her intention isn’t to insult you or your heritage. It’s about a teenage girl trying to impress or fit in. It’s hardly crime of the century.

Shes a teenage girl who told a fib to impress a boy.
I don’t think this deserves any real punishment. A chat about how lying will come and bite you on the arse one day and then leave it be.
She’s being powered by her hormones and her brain still isn’t fully developed. You say she’s a good student, so focus on that. Be the kind of parent that your kid can come to to tell you about lads she fancies, not one she is secretive with.

You are going to push her away and that’s when she’ll end up in real trouble.

It’s because of Anime, Hello Kitty and all that isn’t it. Japan has done the best reinvention of a country that was as awful like Germany in WW2. They still haven’t apologised for comfort women and whilst people know the Nazis experimented on Jews few know about unit 731. They experimented on people without anaesthesia including pregnant women. They regarded the Chinese as sub human.

I am married to an English guy so my children have an English family name but are clearly Wasian, mixed, dual heritage or whatever people want to use. The history between the countries, my Dad would have absolutely lost it if I had pretended to be Japanese and he was a very calm man. We had relatives die as a direct result of what the Japanese did. I suggest people watch City of Life and death or there is a film called Flowers of War, the first is very much based on truth. The second is a complete work of fiction but has truths such as Westerners were protected during the rape of Nanking, it was available on Amazon Prime.

I do understand why you were upset she pretended to be Japanese, you are I assume living in the UK or another Western society. This is the sort of cultural disconnect that will always make your life harder. I didn’t even tell my parents I was dating ever. I did tell my Mother after I was at college but my Father only ever met my DH and I only told him after DH asked me to marry him. He is a Dr so was accepted by my Father.

I think a lot of people may not know the history between Japan and china. Whilst Japan has a perhaps cooler image in the west, so I could understand her thought process here, millions of Chinese people suffered or died under Japanese rule not that long ago under great cruelty. Its akin to someone dressing up as a nazi for a costume party. So I understand your perspective too. But control like this is just not going yo help your relationship. Tell her the boys must be pretty dumb if they believed her despite her surname.
Sounds a bit rebellious- try and find the cause.

I don't think the punishment fits the crime, and I do think the history matters. I think I would instead have her research and complete a report on the history. She needs to know why that lie is awful, since she clearly doesn't understand that at the moment.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Oprn ended Punishments are also wrong and punitive. You will puah your daughter away, i am also sensing that your 13 year old is your golden child. I get feeling hurt but you are way way way overboard. This is making you feel better not showing compassion cor your daughter.

None of this requires any punishment whatsoever. What the fuck? She's a teenage girl doing teenage girl things. Truly understanding why you're upset about this particular lie will probably only come with time and experience.

Your response is way over the top. It's a shame she felt the need to do this. Maybe talk to her about that but not this extreme punishment.

Generally speaking, the older generations of Chinese absolutely hate the Japanese. With good reasons, that the op prefers not to go into.
I dont know about now, but its fair to say that the CCP actively encouraged this hatred. When I first started visiting China about 15 years ago I was appalled by their television. Outside of news propaganda, it mostly consisted of drama films about conflict with Japan and Rìbn guî . I couldn't really understand why the state owned film and media focused on this so intently.
Anyway, my point is that, to pretend to be a Japanese would deeply offend many Chinese in a way that's difficult to comprehend. The daughter may also feel belittled and embarrassed at some level by her Chinese heritage. There is much ignorance around China - and many still look at it as a place of poverty, corruption and low moral standards. Regardless of whether or not there is any truth to that - she will undoubtedly have come across that attitude many times.
Many first, and even second, generation immigrants have these kinds of family issues. Chinese in particular focus much more on influencing social and romantic partner choices. Again, for good reasons in many ways - as a result of cultural heritage.
Neither is wrong and its difficult to wag a finger too much at the OP. Its important though for her to recognise that her child is trying to find her own identity as part of a completely different culture.

Sitting alone in a car is not safe?

How sure are you that she didn't make the lie up to avoid people making fun of her?

Kids can be horrible and I can understand why a teen would feel more comfortable saying they are Japanese rather than Chinese. Unfortunately there are more negative, racist stereotypes about Chinese people than Japanese people at the minute (especially amongst kids since Japanese media, food etc. is fashionable).

I had a friend at school that told everyone she was part Italian instead of Middle Eastern (despite having a last name that should have been a big clue to her origin). I'm sure her dad would have been hurt but you can't blame a child for trying to avoid racism, however clumsily.

You have totally missed an opportunity to be close to your daughter and be there for her. There is a reason she has said she is Japanese and it is not a reason that needs to be punished it needs to be understood and empathised with. You are just setting yourself up to have a daughter that wants nothing to do with you when she has left home.