AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

I'm kind off surprised at the response here. It's serious to lie, especially about your identity. I wouldn't really call it "calling here out on every little thing."

Also, when she gets found out it's hard to explain her reason for lying. Do parents really let so many things slide? Now I'm worried, my son is much younger and we call him out for a lot of things.

Ridiculous thread. 🙄

I used to say I was Swedish

To all the boys

Cos I was blonde

I'm not Swedish 😂

Yup. Glad to see its been reported.

The American side? How do they fit into it?

I think the only thing that will help is talking about it. Perhaps when on a drive.
The relentless craving for approval from boys may will be neediness. I would rather love bomb her at home to be honest then punish her harshly.

I lied a lot about my ethnicity and religion as a teenage girl. I was embarrassed about my background.

It’s only as I got older and more confident about who I was as a person, as well as making more friends from a similar background, that I stopped all that nonsense.

Rather than telling her off and punishing her, you need to help her embrace her background and heritage.

None of this feels very believable.

If your older daughter has done something wrong and is being punished for it, then it's fine that she has some privileges suspended that her sibling is allowed, regardless of the ages. But the punishment should be for a specific period time announced up front and should be based on something she has done that she reasonably knows is wrong/breaks your household rules, not based on her personality or level of intelligence, and certainly not based on her ethnicity!!

You can't punish your older daughter for being Japanese and reward your younger daughter for being Chinese, even if the Japanese daughter is self-ID'd.

I mean, you're being really dramatic and overreacting. She hasn't done anything that needs punishing. She needs a chat at most.

She sounds like a good kid. Does well in school, not smoking, drinking or doing drugs, not causing trouble for others.
In my opinion you are going overboard.
Try to calm down and think of a differant more sensible way to settle this. If anything, I'd ask her to say "confess" she isn't Japanese in future conversations, that she is Chinese.

It's really not that big of deal. Its pretty common at that age to make up on try on different identities - particularly if you can get away with it. (Ie we used to try and pretend we were swedish at the tennis time but nobody was falling for that)

Interested

I think that it is just the age. They are somewhat ridiculous at that age. Maybe she finds Japan more exotic than China. Maybe you do have nefarious ancestors and she has their DNA. Do a genetics test, it may surprise you! I found out I had some odd genes which changed my view of the world.

Also I have heard some people say they are drawn to something very strongly - then later they find a connection - like war orphans calling their child a name then years later finding out they were born in a place with the same name. Because it is 4am I had a google. This is interesting!
https://blogs.biomedcentral.com/on-biology/2018/04/10/common-ancestor-of-han-chinese-japanese-and-koreans-dated-to-3000-3600-years-ago/

I live in Wales, UK some people have darker skins and genetics show they came from The Basque area of Spain!

I can see where you are coming from because it’s very hurtful to hear from your child. It’s funny because being Chinese is such a trend right now.

is have a proper conversation with her and talk to her about fetishisation and why there is a lot of direction at Japanese Asian women. And maybe you could read something together or even better watch some TikTok’s about. Theres a few really good creators who talk about it.

and remind her that a guy who you feel you need to lie about the most basic part of yourself about is not the one for you.

It sounds as if your dd may have some confidence issues, otherwise she wouldn’t be like this about boys.

By not letting her have boys over, you’re putting her in a very precarious position, because she doesn’t seem sensible around them or appreciate any of the dangers. Now you’ve banned her from boys, she has something to fight against and is much more likely to start dating behind your back. That means being with a boy, who has the confidence to have a clandestine relationship with her. Therefore making her more at risk of meeting a guy, who will use her for sex or worse, someone older, who may have nefarious intentions, such as grooming her for the sex trade.

It is totally developmentally normal to be dating at 16, not so much at 13. Start talking to your children. More importantly, start listening to them, especially your 16 yo. Bullet proof them against this stuff.

Are there any parenting classes to help you discuss this with her you could attend?

You need to talk to her. I agree it’s not great to be lying and doing stupid things in the pursuit of boys’ attention but punishing her won’t help her locate her self esteem. You need to support her and build her up if you’re worried.

For both your girls, you could allow them to bring home boys and girl friends on certain days when you know you will be home. Then you can assess the character of guests and influence DDs in how they behave with guests.

The car thing was nuts and the lying is not great.

It's fine to curb her social activity until she proves to be more reliable and honest. What could she do to prove that?

• Announce to her friends that she is actually Chinese by taking some Chinese Fortune buscuits to share.
• Apologise for the car episode
• Do some extra chores to help the household - like helping wash the inside and outside windows, cleaning the bathroom and pruning the roses.

It shouldn't take more than about a week for DD to earn some respect from you, Op.

Weird thread.

“Now my 16 year old DD can't bring home a boy, no time at all. Even when I'm there.”

So she will meet up with boys outside your home where you can have no oversight as to what sort of lads they are. And not letting her drive is taking away her independence - also, driving is a matter of practice, and she’s not old enough to have had much yet. Better to let her drive and go with her, than stop her from driving. If you are so strict, though, she will go off to college and not come back. Being a parent is striking a balance - at times it’s difficult and we all get it wrong, but if being Japanese is regarded as “cool”, tell me the teenager who doesn’t want to appear cool to her peers? I think you’re being very harsh to your daughter - adolescence is hard.

This is wildly implausible. 🙄

Give over. I used to tell people my parents were French . I thought it would make me seem more glamorous. It didnt work,, nobody really believed me 😆
What's with today's parents and their micro management of every tiny detail of their children's lives? Just let them work it out for themselves FFS

Read up on the history between China and Japan. The Japanese soldiers were brutal towards Chinese women.