AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

I understand your upset but I think it’d be worth trying a different tack here. My worry is that at 16 punishment like this won’t really work and if anything will just drive her to take greater effort to hide her activities. I think you need to talk to her about boys and let her share her feelings and worries with you. She’s trying to work out how to ‘be’ with boys and maybe is doing silly things but I think that’s part of the journey. Conversations about why she did whatever, how did she feel, what might be another option etc might be helpful- all without judgment as it sounds like she needs support/guidance rather than punishment. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but teens all experiment with things to impress the opposite sex, whether it’s wearing makeup, certain clothes, trying to appear tough or be really funny, people pleasing, drinking/smoking, rule breaking etc etc. Having lines of communication is essential so she will come to you if something bad happens. Some of this stuff (eg re skincare) is from social media and having conversations about that might be helpful too eg what is the source of the info? What makes a source reliable? Etc
Re the ethnicity point, I understand your upset. I am mixed ethnicity and our DD has both our surnames. There was an occasion when she wanted to drop mine for something. I felt really upset as I thought but that’s your name. I kept it to myself and she decided not to in the end but it did hit a nerve for me.
anyway, I hope you find a positive way forward. Best wishes.

Hi OP she sounds quite insecure if she doing stuff that makes her uncomfortable (hot car) or lying about things that are easily disproved, to impress boys. Punishing her might make her think twice but probably not and it definitely won't address the underlying cause.

I do get why you're upset at this, if she is denying she is part of a culture / heritage that you're proud of, that's got to hurt, but again I'm not sure that punishment is the right route here. It's extremely common for teens who feel different, to rebel against their different heritage, but come back to it later. For example I follow someone on social media who says she used to be so embarrassed of her Chinese packed lunches her parents made as she wanted to fit in, she was desperate to have sandwiches like the rest of the kids. But when she was older she started embracing this culture and now loads of her content is about her love of Chinese food. While ideally your daughter would be proud of her name, you can't force this or punish her for her current feelings about it.

I'd just be having a proper chat with her about how hearing this made you feel. And also around the consequences - what if it had worked and the boy and her had become serious, she would have had to keep up the lie forever or tell him she lied at some point, how would that make him feel. Would she want to go out with someone anyway that picked girlfriends based on which country their last name was from, rather than personality or chemistry etc. Punishing her isn't going to build her self esteem, think things through more clearly, or stop her saying stupid stuff at school

What was your experience as a teenager like? I think it would be worth getting some therapy because otherwise your overreactions will cause a huge distance in your relationship.

Yup

There is a particularly American slant to this though. For one thing Japanese Americans were interned there during WW2 and Trump has been very dusmissive of China. Also nobody in the UK has to ban their 16 year old from driving alone.

@FernandoSoris bang on the money. This thread is nonsense. This ChineseAmerican 'Mum' is about as genuine as her 16-year-old as she would have used Mom. Something definitely off here.

Your reaction is totally unreasonable, but your daughter really needs to learn fast that she doesn't have to impress the boys. The boys should be knocking themselves out to impress her. Otherwise she will waste a lot of her life before she realizes the cost:benefit ratio just isn't there.

She has said she gets super shy and super nervous around a boy she likes. She has also said she gets a one-track mind when a boy gives her the feelings.

This is all totally normal behaviour for a teenage girl. Your reaction is over the top and you are missing an opportunity to engage with her, connect and share your own teenage misgivings, and offer her advice and support. Not punishment, mixed in with the humiliation of her younger sister sitting downstairs with boys. Way to ruin not just your relationship with DD but that of the sisters. Have a rethink OP.

She's insecure in who she is, she doesn't need punishing.

How many children of other non white ethnicities are at her school? How many other Chinese kids? Maybe it's hard being different, maybe her ethnicity and culture aren't gelling with her and she's feeling like she doesn't fit in anywhere. She's popular but maybe she feels like a novelty.

She won't see the bigger picture and your hurt at her rejection of your culture and preference for another. She's a teenager, she will just want to fit in and find her tribe and is maybe struggling with that.

And yes there are males who fetishise some demographics so she is vulnerable.

I think a conversation with her is the way to go not punishment.

Hmm.
I can't help but wonder of this may be Manga inspired. DD had a keen interest in at that age and I looked into it and could see both an intellectually stimulating and very very dark side of it.

She became interested in Japanese styles and culture and we had many a trip to the Japanese Centre and discovered Japanese restaurants. However we also discovered facts about the whys and consequences of Hiroshima and other aspects of Japanese culture, that they had at that point refused to apologise to Britain for their war time atrocities. It was a passing phase and didn't feature dating.

The fact that @TheChineseAmericanMum is allowing the 13 year old to date and have boys stay is the most significant issue in my opinion. Her daughters need age appropriate boundaries and some suppprt and education around healthy, appropriate aged relationships.

Pretending to be Japanese and having a car sauna are the least of the op's parenting problems. The focus needs to be on being nice, kind and working hard to achieve good future outcomes, not on beong the most popular girl and boy obsessed. We know why boy obsessed, girls are often popular and it isn't pretty.

I'd say the response is too harsh but in keeping with the wrong parental guidance and priorities.

There are two issues here.
One around acknowledging she is of Chinese descent. Not Japanese.
The other is how she relates to boys.

Given the complicated histories of China and Japan it is almost inconceivable that someone would claim to be Japanese if Chinese and vice versa.
China is viewed with some suspicion in Western eyes these days, Japan not so.
Japan is a fabulous innovator of technology. Which is why your daughter may want to say she is Japanese. Either way, a chat about being proud of who you are might not go amiss. You are who you are. Denying it is an identity issue.

Around boys. This is a separate conversation. And do not assume boys today behave as they did when you were young. Or that your daughter will respond to them the way you did. She is not you. So you have to prepare her to understand her body is her own. A precious thing to be looked after. And that she should set boundaries. And you will too because you love her . Allowing her too much too soon will send the wrong message to ‘boys’. The last thing she needs is to be labelled as an easy girl. She needs to hear all this. Attention from boys she needs to learn to manage. But not seeking to please or impress each and every one would be a good thing.

Is the fact that your daughter was pretending Japanese rather than her true Chinese ancestry a sensitive subject, given the historical background between Chinese and Japanese nations? If so did this exacerbate how you feel about what she did?

You sound a little bit bonkers

So we’re English soldiers to Scottish woman or British to Irish but I don’t think anyone would freak out if there kid pretended to be English, they’re teenagers fgs

OP you come across as a bit unhinged. You refer to a hot car incident with no explanation and only when asked you give details. You say her sister is allowed boys at home. But then refuse her to see boys for one lie. Probably there is more but honestly you should stop breath and maybe you are too stressed?

Are people actually believing this shit?

yabu to have 13 year old boyfriends sleep over “downstairs”

Much of this nuts ! Hot car incident… wth 🤦‍♀️

She needs birth control before the stork makes a delivery

So does the 13 year old sister by the sounds of it.

I got into way too many stupid situations with boys as a teenager. I’m surprised my mum didn’t lock me in the house or buy me a chastity belt. And I was tame compared to my 2 best friends.

You are massively overreacting. I feel sorry for your DD.

She's a teenager, they do really stupid things sometimes 🤷🏼‍♀️ I wouldn't die on this hill...

Is this real?? Your reaction is utterly deranged and over the top. I’m sorry but what are you thinking here? She’s just being normal teenager, separate to you, learning what she values and who she is in the world- it takes time. Get a grip.

One crime, one punishment