AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

She’s 16, how can she drive?

She's American as per the OP's user name.

The point that you are missing is that she is right.

Japanese is cooler than Chinese.

Since we don't know what has driven this to be the 'last straw' moment, it's difficult to say whether you overreacted. If she's done some extreme other things recently, I can understand you being fed up. But, as a stand alone incident, pretending to be a different nationality is really a low level problem. (I spent all of primary school allowing people to call me by an anglicised name, even though I hated it, because I didn't want to make waves or stand out by correcting them.) Haven't we all done silly things at some point in our lives to impress someone else? Making mistakes is how we learn. However, if her behaviour around boys is becoming a real issue, that's what I would try to tackle, not the individual misdemeanor. What's driving the lack of confidence? How can you work together to build that up and make her feel strong, and accept that there is nothing wrong with the way she is now? Is it one particular boy or boys in general? has something happened at school to make her feel insecure?

Last but not least, yes, your punishment was too extreme. Never have male friends over? Never allowed to date? Never allowed to drive herself anywhere? That's a LOT of punishment for a white lie she made because she's shy and insecure. (It's also a punishment with no end in sight, which is always grossly unfair and will backfire: if a child thinks they will always be in the dog house, they'll start thinking 'why should I bother' to behave better/differently/improve and their behaviour/actions will actually get worse.)

Talking about it here didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel sick about the whole thing.

I reversed her punishment, something my husband was begging me to do. I told her this is yet another pass she's getting and I hope she appreciates it. I made sure to tell her that I love her, I want her to be happy, and I don't enjoy punishing her.

I told her she needs to reevaluate what kind of attention she wants. I told her I can't find any good reason for a boy to care than her ancestry is Chinese instead of Japanese. She speaks neither language. She barely knows either place. That most guys at their school probably can't even tell the difference just by looking at her. I told her any boy who cares a lot of it, is a guy to stay away from.

I told her if she wants a boy to like her, let them like her for who she is. That way, she doesn't have to lie nor perform.

Why is it supposed to matter if anyone pretends to be Japanese?

1: It's a lie.

2: It's a pattern of stupid things she's done to get boys attention.

3: What kind of teenage boy even cares if she's Chinese or Japanese unless he has issues?

I would try to come at this more from a position of understanding than having taken offence. She has been silly to lie about her ethnicity but that’s all it is, a silly lie. No harm has been done except hurt to your feelings and it’s not a personal, pointed/intentional hurt.

The hot car was potentially dangerous so it’s important she understands you have her wellbeing at heart. That’s not coming across from the harsh punishments.

I have a Japanese friend (grew up
in Japan) whose dad was an old-fashioned Asian dad who never let her do anything. She had to be home at 10pm aged 23. This resulted in her leaving home also aged 23 to live with her English boyfriend - the worst possible outcome from pov of Japanese dad. They then moved abroad.

Point being you can’t control your children in this day and age. She won’t feel duty towards you, she’ll just leave and do as she wants and you won’t see her. Listen to your husband and be guided by him if you want a relationship with her as an adult.

Its normal for teenage girls to want to be attractive to teenage boys, attractive in general really. The hot car thing is daft but the motivation is no worse than the motivation for anything she does for her appearance, surely? It's also natural to want to be thought of as cool. So rather than punishing her for it, I think I'd have had a chat about how there's no point being thought of as cool when the only reason for it is that you've lied, and about the ways in which her own heritage is cool, whatever teenage boys might be into.

Not allowed to drive ?

What country are you in?

Not that it matters, just curious

She blurted a stupid lie because she was nervous years ago when she started high school aged what 11? and has had to keep up the pretence.

Why didn’t you just let it go? Have you never blurted out something silly when you’re very young because you’re with a boy and want to seem cool to him?

You are too critical of your elder daughter.
She needs more love and understanding and less criticism.

Teenage girls do stupid things to get the attention of stupid teenage boys. That’s been true for decades.

I know you want the best for your daughter, so you can be proud of the young woman she’s becoming. But, trust me, you have to loosen the apron strings a little. She’s 16. She’s going to act like an absolute idiot at times. Her brain won’t fully develop in terms of understanding the consequences of her actions until she’s 26!

If she’s doing well at school, has a good moral compass and a nice circle of friends, I think you can afford to let her make some mistakes. That’s how they learn and grow.

There’s too much boyfriend talk from your children despite their young age.

why is your 13 year old having boyfriends? It’s not appropriate.

A Samurai cannot lie.

I forgot how different British schools are from American schools. Her high school starts at grade 9.

I am struggling to see what exactly she has done apart from a small possible insult to your heritage. So she told a bunch of other kids that shes Japanese, not Chinese, its not a case of legality, it doesn't matter and about the car as long as she wasn't driving it, she has done nothing wrong. You are overreacting abd definitely being too harsh.

If you want her to run as far as she can from you the second she can, and ruin any chance of a good relationship with her as an adult, continue the way you are.

Ok, so 15? Still very young and prone to saying silly things.

Thinking now if you are in the US 🇺🇸 then there is a lot of anti Chinese racism in some parts of the US these days that’s been on the rise since 2020 & Covid. She may have subconsciously wanted to say she is something other than Chinese so she would not be a target for bullies?
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/16/stop-asian-hate-movement-atlanta-shootings-trump

14 for her and at that age I would hope she would have known better.

I hadn’t noticed the OP was American. It now makes perfect sense.

While it’s not good to deny her heritage it’s really not appropriate to punish her for what is clearly discomfort in her identity. Try talking to her, seeing what she says, comforting her and coaching her about the good things about her heritage.

Anti-sino sentiment is a thing and maybe your daughter is feeling it?

Sorry I edited while you were replying.

I saw the other thing you edited in.

Maybe if it's really really subconscious. She didn't say that, she said it was to look cooler for boys.

I’m a white British woman and once told someone my cousin was dizzier rascal(he is not). Point is, kids lie. High school is a pressured time and be thankful she’s not pregnant or smoking weed (I mean ofc you they shouldn’t be at this age, but many do!) you’ll push her away if you continue to be so harsh. Just an FYI- you do NOT sound like a bad mom. You sound like a mum with boundaries and rules which is great. Just save the harshness for real issues. Sounds like this is more personal to you than about the lie.

I reversed the punishment today.