AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

Teenagers do dumb things. I can’t believe you’re so incensed about a silly lie that has no actual consequence.

Lighten up, or you will push her away!! And then you’ll be back on here lamenting the emotional distance between you and her. If she can’t even talk to you about something silly without you going nuclear, how on earth would she discuss something important in the coming years.

P.s. re: her sitting in a car to keep warm and glowy…. My friend and I squeezed 2 bags of lemon and covered our hair with the juice for hours to get lighter hair! Super expensive and daft. Thankfully her mum laughed at us. Then a few weeks after, we whisked eggs to make a hair mask at my house. We used a lot of eggs!! We then showered with hot water and we inadvertently made hair omelettes (aka an almighty mess!!) to get glowy hair. We were idiots. My parents were in hysterics. See about point, teenagers do dumb shit!!

Assuming any of this is true which it isn’t can we just ban Americans from posting here? They post the stupidest shit.

I can remember being utterly besotted by a boy at 16 -I thought it was part of becoming adult and something most people go through.

I remember the Chinese were told not to boo the Japanese competitors at the 2008 olympics but that was nearly 20 years ago. The Japan did kill thousands+ of Chinese in 1937/8 but time to move on. But DD might get caught out so best she stops pretending.

How very odd.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes. I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school

Why on earth would you give one shit, let alone two, about any if this. If that had been my DD (who I’m sure lied about many things at that age), I just would have called them a dill, shrugged my shoulders and genuinely never even thought of it again. All this frustration in your part, the mentality of ‘pulling a stunt like this’, and last straw stuff makes you sound like the nutter, not your 16yo daughter.

Well, if you want your daughter to hide her life from you, you are on track. You seem to be completely overreacting to normal hormonal teenage behaviour. I hate to break it to you, but the 13yr old will also change.

Honestly, I could write a book about some of the stupid things I did as a teen in order to impress boys. What you’re describing just seems like normal teen stuff. Sitting in a baking hot car - she was always going to get out once it became too hot. Lying about her ethnicity - probably very important to you but in the grand scheme of things, will likely be something she laughs about one day once she’s grown up and learned to be proud of her roots.

You honestly can’t make your child perfect. Sometimes you’ve got to ‘drop the rope’ and let them do silly stuff.

Rather a harsh punishment for something so silly, shes a kid who wanted to appear cool not an evil genius in the making

At 16 my daughters college played guess the Asian because she wouldn't tell them and they were convinced either korean or Japanese because of her interests and she to date hasnt corrected them she just refuses to confirm or deny

I haven't punished her for not telling people her heritage because its not really any of my business all I can do is help her feel proud of who she is

lol at the hot car - thought you meant hot as in stolen and she’d committed a crime but nope, she sat in a hot car. Seriously!! Chill right out. Teenagers experiment with their identities and looks to attract boys. This is not a big deal and you’re being ridiculous to make so much of it or even to be involved at that level frankly. Leave her relationship side alone unless she actually comes to you for help or advice, which she never will if you act like this.

Japanese soldiers killed around 10 million Chinese civilians and also experimented on them. The Nazis killed 6 million Jews. The Japanese soldiers and Nazis were both evil.

What a weird thread. Is this some weird political thread to try and sow the seed to non-E. Asians that Japanese people are cooler than Chinese? If you want to go there, the South Koreans win hands down. This is a pointless thread. Yes it's weird what your daughter's doing but not un known in human behaviour. Older women might lie about their age; men might lie about their height. Big deal. Next.

“My friend and I squeezed 2 bags of lemon and covered our hair with the juice for hours to get lighter hair! Super expensive and daft. Thankfully her mum laughed at us. Then a few weeks after, we whisked eggs to make a hair mask at my house. We used a lot of eggs!! We then showered with hot water and we inadvertently made hair omelettes (aka an almighty mess!!) to get glowy hair. “

@ChristmasCwtch

We did the same sort of stuff! I once lathered myself in cooking oil to lie in the garden to get a nice golden glow (to impress Andy The Hottie). That was the year I also faked a stomach bug and somehow managed to live on Horlicks for 3 whole days so I could lose 2lbs of non existent weight. My mum found out about the starvation diet and immediately cooked up some egg and chips (which I wolfed down). So many stupid things…😂

With the greatest of respect this sounds like a massive overreaction!! You’re at risk of pushing her away with such harsh punishments! By all means have a calm chat with her about how disappointed you are and how proud she should be of her heritage but my god what’s the punishment going to be if she smokes or takes drugs or has sex!! Clap her in irons and refuse to let her leave the house forever!!!

Wow, your ignorance of the situation is quite something. Its got nothing to do with being in America, or any other specific country. Difficulties like this with cultural integration and different expectations happen everywhere. You must live completely in a bubble of ethinc unawareness.

Agree with this. Just speak to her about why you are upset. Teenagers do stupid things all the time and this really isn’t that ‘deep’ (as my kids would say).

You need to keep the lines of communication open with teenagers. The way you are behaving means she might just start shutting you out. It’s good that she opened up about getting a bit silly when she likes a boy. It’s not her fault that the media is fixated on Korean and Japanese culture currently. Chinese culture will probably come into fashion at some point. She’s not done anything mean or hurtful deliberately. I would concentrate on helping her feel a connection to her Chinese heritage, if you can afford it, a trip to china to see why she should be proud to be a Chinese American could be a good way to go.

I agree with the others OP, a massive overreaction on your part. I have a crap relationship with my mum because she was similarly unreasonable and would bollock me for minor infractions.

If this were my daughter, I'd have a calm word with here and explain how disappointed I am with her for denying her heritage. I'd explain why it was disappointing and them leave it with her to ruminate on it. From what you have said about her, I think she would actually think about it and feel guilty and probably not do it again. Which is surely the outcome you want.

Thanks for that -I didn’t realise it was so many perhaps partly explains DM’s feelings

How is your 16 year old DD driving? Are you in the UK?

A lot of peeps on here post stupid stuff and a lot of it it probably made up but I would think many are from the U.K from the writing styles and references.
May be we should ban all over 50's too as well as those who are judgy.🙄

She was sitting in a car on her own on a hot day with the windows closed. A person /animal can over heat quickly, dehydrate, pass out and die, if there is no one to find the. Hence the reference to the hot car incident.

You are most certainly being unreasonable to allow a 13 yr old to date!!!!

I think this is great advice.

What will she learn from the boy ban, really? Discipline should teach a lesson... it literally come from the words "to learn" so if your discipline isn't teaching anything, you can't expect anything to change

If she is shy, nervous, gets giddy around boys, you need to build her confidence self esteem and self worth. Take the opportunity to make her feel proud of her own heritage. She needs to know that she is 'enough' as she is and doesn't need to be anyone else.

None of that is achieved through harsh punishment.

Edited to remove repeated post